


Sunlight and Storms

by Lune_qui_vit_dans_ses_Reves



Category: Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'll just add more to these as this progresses, Parent Paulkins, Well I suppose that's a lie because technically Jane is dead but for the most part it's true
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:46:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 72,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29168286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lune_qui_vit_dans_ses_Reves/pseuds/Lune_qui_vit_dans_ses_Reves
Summary: Jane and Tom Houston’s unexpected and sudden deaths place an unanticipated responsibility on Emma’s shoulders as she returns to Hatchetfield to not only take care of their infant son, but their two recently adopted daughters. Forced to adapt to a role she never expected to find herself in, years later she has finally settled into her role as a mother when her friend throws a new complication into her life.Paul had planned his whole life out, but it all came crashing down the moment a drunk driver chose to run a red light. Left a widower with a young daughter to care for, he focuses all of his attention and energy into raising her as best he can while grieving.Set up on a blind date by a mutual friend, what happens when Emma and Paul meet?_____________________________________________________________________________________________"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return." -Nat King Cole.A chance meeting, a blind date, matchmaking friends and children, and two individuals who, together, help each other heal.An idea of what could have happened in an alternative Hatchetfield.
Relationships: Deb/Alice Woodward, Lex Foster/Ethan Green, Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins
Comments: 166
Kudos: 54





	1. What do you want?

“It was amazing how you could get so far from where you'd planned, and yet find it was exactly where you needed to be.”   
― **Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye**

* * *

December 10, 2010

“Are you sure you want to do this, Ms. Perkins?”

As the weight of the question settled on her shoulders, Emma, who had thrown on her best outfit, a beige loose fitting, chiffon blouse and dark wash blue jeans – not an outfit her mother would have chosen or approved of – could feel the daggers her mother was shooting at her from the back of the courthouse. Of course, Estella would show up decked from head to toe in black silk with black lace gloves and a black lace fascinator pinned to her head. While she refused to think about her mother more than she needed to, Emma swore the last time she had seen her mother wear any of that ensemble was for her grandmother’s funeral when her mother dragged everyone back to her hometown and paraded them around to all of her old society friends. She just had to use every moment as a way to be seen and “gain standing,” didn’t she? Steeling her spine and ignoring the urge to turn around and meet her mother’s gaze, Emma couldn’t help but look down at her feet as she felt her heart clench.

No, she wasn’t sure she wanted to do this.

She wasn’t sure she was ready for this.

This was Jane’s dream. The job that she had always wanted, a husband who loved her – even if Emma had reservations about him, but even she knew better than to think poorly of the dead – a house well decorated and perfect for keeping company, and finally, children.

Growing up, Jane had always spoken about wanting three kids. _It’s the perfect number, Em. Afterall, the world is made for families of four or five and three children sounds just about right._

Of course, her plans, which she had meticulously laid out bullet point by bullet point in that brightly colored Lisa Frank folder, that if Emma just closed her eyes for second, she could see Jane sitting in front of her diligently writing in it, hadn’t accounted for a drunk driver one dark and snowy night in December.

She should say no.

For everyone’s sake, she should say no.

What right did she have to be a mother? Not when they could have had Jane who would have been the perfect mother if she had only been given a chance. A real chance of years and years of parenting and motherhood that were stolen from her. Besides, to many, Jane already was a perfect mother after willingly taking in two girls so much older than her son.

She was going to mess this up, just like she had with every other thing in her life. Just as her mother took so much pleasure in telling her, each and every day she had spent in that house. What could she, a second semester college dropout give to these children that someone else couldn’t easily give them?

_Janey, what were you thinking? Were you thinking at all when you listed me as guardian in your will? I know you mentioned this before, but we both never thought… Surely Tom had something to say about that._

But she knew her sister and knew how no matter how many arguments or reasons against naming Emma as guardian Tom may have presented, Jane would have won. She always had when they were younger.

“Ms. Perkins?” The judge’s voice cut through her musings as Gary Goldstein, who had been appointed by the state as the lawyer for the case, coughed slightly to get her attention. “Are you alright?”

Emma nodded before looking up at the judge who sat behind the mahogany judge’s bench, the blue and gold of the state seal reflecting off of the brightly polished wood. “Yes. Sorry, Your Honor.”

“I know this is a lot of responsibility to be placing on your shoulders, Ms. Perkins. And no one would think differently of you if you weren’t sure. We could easily find placements for the children somewhere else and you could go back to your life. I’m sure your mother would be more than happy to take them.” He continued as he leaned forward, towering over her and almost making him appear larger than life.

Emma paused for a second considering what he was saying. It was a tempting offer – she could fly back to Guatemala later that the week after making sure the children were okay and carry on as she had previously. With no strings, no expectations, no shadows haunting her, or comparisons being made to her sister and everything Jane had accomplished. Freedom that she had dreamed of for 18 years and no responsibilities, just herself to watch out for and take care of.

She could say yes, blink and put this all behind her. Yet the swallowed whimper from behind her and the tightening of arms that were wrapped around her waist at the suggestion, the stiffening of the young girl standing next who was trying so hard to pretend as if she didn’t care what decision was made, and the warm weight of the child in her arms who had buried his face in her neck completely unaware of what was going on made the decision for her.

They needed her.

She had already lost her sister and no amount of wishing or begging or bargaining was going to bring her back. All she had left were these kids who her sister had loved. These kids who, even if she was frightened that she would mess everything up and terrified of failing them, for some reason Jane had entrusted them to her. Her, Emma Elizabeth Perkins. Her, with all of her faults and flaws and fears. Jane had trusted her.

Besides, she could only imagine what would happen if her mother managed to sink her claws into the children. They would pawned off to nannies never to be seen or heard until Estella decided it was appropriate at which point they would be used as chess pieces to increase her social standing around Hatchetfield as she looked for ways to boast about their accomplishments since both of her children had failed in that regard.

Emma couldn’t let that happen, not again. Not to other children. She had seen, lived through, what had happened the first time and she refused to let others suffer the way she and Jane had all their lives. Children deserved to be children. Free to play and laugh, ask question and not be reprimanded for opening their mouths and saying something. To know that they were loved and valued for who they were, not what someone hoped to mold them into and use for their own benefit.

So, despite her hesitations, and there were many, the only thing she could do was say yes.

“Thank you, Your Honor. But I’m sure. Yes, this is something I want to do.” 

“If that’s what you want, Ms. Perkins. Then by the power invested in me, by the state of Michigan, I appoint you the legal guardian of Mr. Tim Houston, Ms. Alexandra Foster, and Ms. Hannah Foster. Good luck, Ms. Perkins.”

Emma couldn’t help but notice how he hesitant he seemed. And with good reason, she supposed. Everyone in Hatchetfield seemed to know everyone else’s business, or at least everyone in the same social circle’s business. It was simply part of the “small town charm” of Hatchetfield. And he was, without a doubt, familiar with her mother. However, he was bound by Jane and Tom’s will to appoint her as guardian, so that was all he could do, if she accepted. And she had. So, much like her mother’s muffled gasp when she announced her decision, she chose to ignore the hesitancy in his voice.

Turning around and kneeling so she was almost eye level as Jane’s, no, her children, she pulled Hannah and Alexandra – Lex as she introduced herself – into a hug, making sure that Tim wasn’t crushed. 

Closing her eyes, she felt both of the girls stiffen as if unsure what to do in such a situation before melting ever so slightly and returning her embrace.

She could do this, she thought to herself as she held the children close. She had to be able to do this. To prove that she could do something right for once. For Jane. For them.

_You will be loved. I promise. I’ll make things right, Janey. And I’ll try. I’ll try to be happy. Just watch me. Just watch us._

* * *

August 15, 2018

“Hannah, Lex, Tim! Are you ready for school? Come grab something for breakfast; you need to leave soon!”

Hopping from the bottom of the stairs, Emma made her way through the living room, pausing for a moment to pick up the fluffy blue blanket that had slipped off the couch and onto the ground sometime during the night. Peeking at the succulents happily perched on the small bookshelf of children’s books by the window in the dining room, she hurried into the kitchen dodging the grey and black speckled granite island in the center of the room. When she had first moved in, she had run into that dang island so many times that her hips and legs were a canvas of, blue, yellow, and green bruises. Thankfully after almost 9 years of maneuvering around the house, she managed, more often than not, to avoid hitting it.

Grabbing a few boxes of cereal from the pantry – Hannah was willing to eat any cereal, but Lex was partial to Lucky Charms and Tim loved Frosted Flakes – and placing them next to bowls and spoons she had laid out earlier, she used her foot to pull out the pink step stool from its place by their collection of brown paper bags and reusable shopping bags. Why she had ever thought of putting the lunch boxes on the very top shelf was beyond her. Every summer she threw them up there and every August she struggled to pull them back down. So, here she was once again cursing her short stature and questioning why she put the kids’ lunch bags where she couldn’t reach them.

Managing to just snatch them and not tip over, she smiled to herself. Success number one for the day. Now, if everyone was able to get out of the house by 8, they’d be in good shape.

Laying her hard fought for prizes on the island, she moved to the fridge to pull out the lunches they had made last night along with the milk needed for the cereal.

“Hannah, Lex, Tim! Breakfast and then you need to hit the road or you’ll be –“ Emma stopped herself as she saw her overall clad daughter making her way into the kitchen. “Oh, good morning sweet girl.”

Pouring herself a bowl of Lucky Charms, Hannah smiled up at her as she added milk to her breakfast. “Morning Mom.”

“Are your sibling up, Hannah? You’ve got 20 minutes before you have to leave or you’re going to be late.”

Hannah nodded. “Lex is in the bathroom and Tim was getting changed. They’ll be down soon.”

“Perfect.” Emma grabbed two pieces of fruit from the fruit basket on the counter and held them up. “Well, since you’re the first one down, would you like a clementine or a banana for lunch?”

“Banana” Hannah replied nodding resolutely, although looking slightly offended that her mother would even dare ask her that question.

“Of course, Hannah Banana. That was a silly question, wasn’t it?” Emma laughed before adding the aforementioned banana to Hannah’s yellow lunch bag.

“Very silly, Mom.” Hannah agreed with a smile as she picked up her spoon to start eating.

As Emma continued to pack the lunch boxes while sporadically keeping an eye on the clock hanging on the kitchen wall – a gag gift from the kids who had gotten her a clock with its numbers in disarray happily proclaiming “Whatever I’m late anyways” as a birthday present one year – she couldn’t help but wonder how this was her life.

It felt like one minute ago she was picking up the phone and finding out that her sister and brother-in-law had been in an accident and died and that she needed to get back to Hatchetfield as soon as possible because she their children’s guardian. And then she had closed her eyes for just one second and opened them and here she was almost 9 years later trying to get her kids out of the house so they wouldn’t be late for the first day of school.

It hadn’t always been easy. After all, she had been a 23-year-old girl who had suddenly found herself responsible for three children under the age of 10. She had never babysat as a teen – that was always Jane’s thing – and she hardly knew anything about kids besides what she had learned not to do from her parents.

But they had needed her, and, in some strange way, she had needed them too. So, she did her best and hoped that it would be enough.

As they worked to find their stride, they had survived for a while on the insurance money from Tom and Jane. Yet Emma knew that it would run out eventually, even if she met with her sister’s financial planner to come up with ways to stretch the funds for as long as possible, and she refused to ask her parents for any financial assistance. That was one path she would not take. If it had been just her, maybe, but not with Lex, Hannah and Tim. She wouldn’t put them through that. There wasn’t much that she could do with only one semester under her belt. If she was by herself, she might have gone back to school to pursue an old dream of hers working all the while at a coffee shop or in retail, but with three kids depending on her, she wasn’t sure how she would have balanced everything.

However, if her time in Guatemala and backpacking around the world had taught her anything, it was how to put her skills to the use, so she did.

Growing up she had always been told that she had too active of an imagination. It wasn’t her fault that her dreams as a child had been filled with things from horror movies such as an apocalypse happening because people fought over a stuffed toy – which wasn’t even that cute or attractive, if she was honest. Neither Tim nor Hannah would have wanted one of those for Christmas if they existed in real life. Or that strange dream about the end of the world caused by a meteor which took over people’s bodies and caused them to sing and dance that had haunted her for so long when she was younger.

Her parents had hated when she told them of her dreams, banning her from watching any TV – which she still snuck in anyways when her parents weren’t home, Jane didn’t care and so long as she didn’t cause any trouble for Ms. Smith, the nanny, she didn’t care either – and threatening to take away her library card and censoring the books she was able to read. They had wanted a normal, brilliant child like Jane, not one who dreamt and imagined the strangest things.

So, she had learned to hide it, keeping her dreams and her stories to herself. Or, she had until Hannah had crawled up on the couch next to her where she had been reading **_Cat in the Hat_** to Tim and asked her to tell them a story. As Hannah had snuggled into her side, she had requested that she make up one rather than telling them one they already knew, so she had told them about one of her adventures in Guatemala modifying it a bit and giving herself a fun animal sidekick in the form of a kudamundi.

They had both been entranced by the story, Hannah more so than Tim who had only been 3 at the time, and even Lex, who had joined them after getting home from Alice’s house, seemed to like it. After putting them to bed that night she found herself sitting down and typing up the entire story. Deciding the worst people could say was no, she had sent it to a few publishers on the offhand chance that someone would find it interesting enough to at least make her an offer and allow her some more time to figure out what to do next. To her surprise the publisher who actually read her manuscript had loved it and not only published it but also organized a publishing deal with her allowing her to support herself and the children by writing about her adventures. The fact that the books had been a huge success and she finally felt like she was doing something right and proving her parents wrong was just an added benefit to knowing that she had finally achieved something of her own merit.

And then she blinked, and she was no longer 26 and desperately trying to figure out what she could do while juggling three children. She was 31 and her kids had grown up right before her eyes. Her baby, her Tim, was no longer the cuddly 3-year-old who simply wanted to be held and loved but was a bright 9-year-old who was so curious and scared of nothing. Hannah, her sweet girl was 13, a teenager, smart as a whip with the sharpest sense of humor. The little one who had hidden behind her all those years ago, clinging to someone she had only met once was unafraid of speaking her mind regardless of what people might think. And Lex, her little girl who had needed to grow up far too fast had just celebrated her 18thbirthday. She welcomed the world and its challenges with open arms but knew that she had a family rooting for her and a safe place to land no matter what.

It wasn’t the life Emma would have chosen for herself at 18, but she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Not hearing any footsteps signaling that her two missing children were on their way down, she yelled, “Lex, Tim! You need to hurry or you’re going to be late and I –”

“I’m here, I’m here, Mom. No need to yell.” Lex cut her off as she kissed Emma’s cheek, her backpack hanging off of one shoulder which she swung to the floor and started to help pack the last lunch box.

“Breakfast first.” Emma gently nudged her to the side, “I’ve got this.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she watched as Lex poured the milk into her bowl and then the Lucky Charms. “Is Tim-?” She began to ask before feeling two arms wrap around her, a small body snuggling into her side. Well, perhaps her baby wasn’t all that grown up just yet.

“Morning, Momma.”

“Morning, Baby.” Emma pressed a quick kiss to Tim’s crown before leading him to the other side of the island where Lex and Hannah were eating.

“Thanks Lex,” Tim smiled up at his older sister as she helped him onto the barstool and handed him a bowl that she had put together for him.

Finished packing everything for lunch, Emma ran through her mental back-to-school list: kids were up, backpacks packed the night before, school materials had been bought weeks prior when she found a good sale, forms picked up from orientation were signed, and lunches packed. That was everything, unless something had slipped through the cracks, but after so many years of the first day of school chaos, she occasionally liked to think that she had a decent handle on everything. Or, at least she tried her best. Plus, maybe this would finally be the year when she was able to tell Bill she managed to get through the day without forgetting anything.

Leaning against the counter by the sink, she picked up her coffee mug – just a few drops of cream and a hint of sugar added to it – and observed her kids. Lex was eating cereal while texting, she had a feeling Lex was texting Ethan based on the smile gracing her face, while Hannah was making Tim laugh by telling him some of her stories from when she was a 4th grader.

Another school year and the last year with everyone in the house. It was going to be so quiet if Lex decided she wanted to go to college and if she chose to go away for school. Emma had no idea what the year had in store for them, but she hoped that it was something good.

Peeking up at the clock, she was stunned to find that it was almost 8. “Okay, okay, you all need to leave now if you’re going to make it in time.” She said as she took one last sip of her coffee before placing it in the sink next to Hannah’s bowl and herding them towards the front door. “Are you sure that you want to drive, Lex? I’m more than happy to drive everyone and pick you all up once school ends. Even if it’s just for the first day.”

“I’m sure, Mom, don’t worry. We’ll be careful.” Lex reassured her as she toed on her shoes before grabbing the keys hanging from hook by the door. “Hannah, Tim, I’ll meet you by the car. Love you, Mom.”

“Love you, forever and always, Lex. Drive carefully.”

“I will.” Lex squeezed her hand before dashing out to the car.

Kneeling down to help fix the strap of Tim’s backpack, Emma carefully brushed back the bangs which had fallen in the front of his face. “Have a good first day of school, Tim. I love you.”

“I will, Momma. Love you forever and always.” Tim replied before hugging her and running out the front door.

Handing Hannah her lunch box, Emma held open her arms in case Hannah wanted a hug before leaving with her siblings.

“Love you, Momma.” Hannah whispered as she embraced her.

“I love you, my sweet girl, forever and always.” Emma murmured into her hair. “Have a good day.”

Nodding Hannah fixed her backpack and made her way to the front porch before pausing on the steps. Looking up at Emma, she tilted her head to the side, blinking a few times before murmuring, “Black coffee. This is a good world. You deserve to be happy too, Mom.”

“I am happy, Hannah.” Emma reassured her.

“Happier then.” Hannah corrected herself before throwing one more smile at her mother, jumping down the stairs, careful not to land on any of the flowers that they had spent time planting during the spring, and dashing over to her siblings.

Emma leaned against the white wooden post of the porch as the hammock hanging from the ceiling of the attached gazebo swung gently in the slight breeze and the black-eyed susans blooming happily in their hanging baskets filled the morning with their sweet scent. If she closed her eyes she could almost hear her children’s laughter from that first day of school so long ago when it had been her first time around the circus that was back-to-school. But, opening them, she watched as Lex made sure everyone was buckled in and had everyone wave at her from the car. Lifting her hand from the locket that lay around her neck, she waved in response as she fought back the tears that had welled up in her eyes that she had been successfully fighting since she woke up. How were they already so big? 

Sighing, Emma walked back into the house and as she closed the door behind her, she realized what she had forgotten on her back-to-school to-do list. The First Day of school picture. That’s what she had forgotten. Making her way up the stairs to her office to get started on the final edits for her editor before their call, she shook her head. Well, maybe this year wouldn’t be the year she managed to remember everything. She’d just have to get one when they came home.

\-----

Walking into Beanies was always an experience.

It wasn’t one that she necessarily liked to repeat on a daily basis, especially not with the new singing for tips thing they had enacted. Their coffee wasn’t great – she honestly could make better coffee at home, and for a much cheaper price – and if she was being honest, the singing wasn’t all that great either, but sometimes she just enjoyed working in a louder, more chaotic place than her quiet office while the kids were at school. The change of pace was nice and while she probably could have worked after they got out of school and came home, she preferred just spending that time with them as opposed to working and had made it a policy to only pull out work after everyone had eaten dinner. Plus, she liked supporting local businesses and she knew Zoey and some of the other college students who worked at the shop because they had occasionally shared a stage with Lex in various productions. So, given all of those factors, how could she go to a place like Starbucks as opposed to Beanies?

Emma patted the front pocket of her jeans to make sure she had brought both her earbuds – to listen to other music besides the music playing in the shop, which didn’t always match up with the songs they chose to sing – as well as her earplugs for moments when she did need just a bit of peace and quiet. Thankfully she had remembered to bring them since she did have a lot of work to get done, especially since the call with her editor run for an extra hour and she had a few more changes that needed her approval before everything was finalized. Readjusted the tote that Lex, Hannah, and Tim had gifted her for Christmas after noticing that the backpack she had been using previously had straps that had worn thin and were in danger of snapping, she pushed open the door and the hum and sounds of the shop immediately swelled up around her.

Taking note of the line – a line which seemed particularly busy for 1:30 in the afternoon – she pulled her phone out of her bag. If she was going to be standing in line for a while, she might as well make the most of her time and get a head start on some of those edits and approvals.

Scrolling through the document and modifying passages that she could easily edit on her phone, she was so absorbed by her work that she missed the man who snatched his drink from the barista’s hand and knocked into her in his hurry.

Attempting to keep her balance, she reached out to grab the nearest thing in an attempt to keep herself upright, only to find herself sprawled on the ground with the man in front of her also now on the ground. She must have grabbed hold of him instead of the metal pole and ribbon which was being used to mark the line. Well, at least she hadn’t landed on him. Nonetheless, fighting back the blush certain to turn her cheeks red, she watched as he gingerly picked himself off the ground and held his hand out to help her up.

Taking his hand, which she noted was surprisingly soft, she found herself apologizing as she brushed herself off, glad Nora liked to keep Beanies far cleaner than most coffee shops. “I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t mean to pull you down with me, I was trying to keep my balance after that man bumped into me. I have no idea where he’s going that he seemed to be in such a hurry, but I hope it’s worth it.”

At his silence, Emma found herself oddly chatty as she attempted to carry on the one-sided conversation, “It certainly would be an awful if his venti caramel frappe with 10 pumps of hazelnut, three shots of expresso, and no caramel drizzle with whip on top spilled whenever he got to his destination because of how much in a hurry he was.”

Trying to think of what to say next, she was going to continue rambling on when she heard him snort at her comment. “So, you are real after all. I was worried you had disappeared somewhere and I was talking to a ghost.”

A small yet seemingly sad smile crossed his face, although he didn’t say anything in response. “I am sorry about sending you sprawling on the floor. What can I say? I don’t know my own strength. Anyways, I’m Emma.”

She held out her hand for him to shake, which he did, although she could feel his hand shaking as if he was nervous. Which was odd since it had been completely steady when he had helped her off the floor.

“Paul.” He said stammered, “That is, my name is Paul.”

“Well, hi Paul, I’m Emma.” She said a real grin finding its way to her face. She thought he was going to say something else until he realized that the line had moved and it was his turn to order.

As he relayed his order – a medium cup of black coffee – she tucked her phone away, which thankfully hadn’t been damaged in the fall, and pulled out her wallet. There was something about him that she just couldn’t place. Hatchetfield certainly wasn’t a large town by any means, but there was something about his eyes, those stunning blue eyes, that made her wonder. She couldn’t place where they were from, but she could have sworn she had seen them before. It would have been impossible for her to forget eyes like that. Especially ones that had looked so sad for a moment.

Still puzzling over her encounter with Paul, she moved to the counter to place her order with Zoey. While she was always happy to explore different drinks, which was just part of being a mother and finishing up the drinks her kids had ordered but then decided they didn’t like or couldn’t finish, she decided to go with her standard order: an iced coffee with a dash of milk and a pump of gingerbread syrup. She had always been partial to gingerbread. It was her favorite cookie and one she made with the kids every Christmas and it was a syrup that she knew that they stocked throughout the year just for her.

She supposed there was some benefits of being Lex’s mother and making sure that the theater department always had far more cookies than they knew what to do with during the holiday season and winter musical.

Tipping Zoey and trying to tune out the tip song – they must have reworked it because she hadn’t heard this particular rendition before – she made her way to the corner of the shop, dodging the college students who were attempting to be diligent students before the reality of the semester hit them. Sitting down and slipping in her earbuds, she pulled out her computer to get to work on the final edits. However, instead of opening up the current document, she found herself opening up the document with one of the semi-completed stories that was next on the docket after the series based on her backpacking adventures had been wrapped up. While she had focused most of her attention on completing the adventure series along with a few other stories here and there like the Christmas one, this particular series was planned to be based on some of those nightmares which had haunted her dreams as a child.

Emma had been searching for weeks for the name of a potential protagonist, yet every name that she thought of or that Hannah, Lex or Tim suggested simply didn’t fit. However, she mulled as she took of a sip of the drink Zoey had just brought over, Paul seemed to be the perfect name for her unfortunate protagonist. She just hoped the real Paul’s story was happier than the one she was writing.


	2. Just a Typical Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Content warning for minor character death offscreen. However, if you would like to skip it, skip to the section after the first set of dashes starting with "Paul didn’t remember much from the ride home."
> 
> Apologies, I'll make sure to note these sort of content warnings in the future!

“You just don’t know that it is the last time. But I think that’s a good thing, really, because if you did know it would be almost impossible to let go.”   
― **Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall**

* * *

December 5, 2015

Paul could hear the incessant buzz and hum as doctors and nurses rushed from one room to the next. Averting a tragedy here. Informing another family of their loss there. Managing as best they could during what was one of the busiest seasons of the year. Yet, as he stood in the middle of the pale and bleak hospital room, walls whitewashed and drab, pale grey sheets adorning the bed and drowning any and all life that could be present, all he could truly hear was his heartbeat pounding increasingly louder as every second marched on. That, and the quiet sniffles of the small girl cradled in his arms.

How had the world changed so much in a mere 24 hours?

24 hours ago, they were putting Lily to bed.

24 hours ago, he was happy.

24 hours ago, his wife was alive.

And now, and now, he was alone once more. The one person who had understood him was gone all thanks to a drunk driver who couldn’t tell his green lights from his red lights. Why had he asked Kat to run the errand that had gotten her killed when he could have easily stopped by the store and picked up what they needed on his way home? Then perhaps, it would have been his body lying on the bed rather than hers.

Tightening his arms around their daughter, the last part of Kat still in this world, he gently swayed side to side in an attempt to quiet her cries.

“Shh… Shh, Lily-bug. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.” He had no idea if they were actually going to be okay, but for her sake, he’d have to try his hardest. “Daddy’s got you. I’ve got you.”

As a doctor came to lead him out of the room, apologizing for rushing him, but explaining that they needed to prep the body for surgery in order to ensure that his wife’s organs were viable for their recipients, Paul clutched their daughter closer to his chest making sure her face was hidden from seeing her mother’s bruised and battered body. He didn’t think he’d ever forget how her blonde hair had dried, bloodied and matted, to her forehead and how wrong it looked to see the person who was filled with more life than anyone else he knew completely still. He wanted to shield Lily from remembering her that way. If he had failed to protect her from the accident, to protect her from _that_ was the least he could do as her father. 

Pressing one last kiss to his wife’s cheek, he whispered, “I love you, Kat, and I always will. Sleep well, my dearest.”

Exiting the room, and making his way to the lobby, his eyes immediately caught sight of Alice who was sitting staring at the hallway as if looking for him while periodically glancing down at the textbook in her lap.

Seeing Paul and Lily, Alice hopped up and made her way over to the pair, holding her arms out for Lily. “I can take care of Lily for now, Uncle Paul. I think Dad’s going to drop me off at a friend’s house before taking you home.” Taking Lily out of his arms with a sad smile, she bounced her up and down trying to make the little girl laugh to no avail.

As if he heard his name being mentioned, Bill walked through the front door and over to the three of them. “Are you sure? Jean’s out of town for that case and I… I know it’s a school night and you’ve got… You’re a godsend. Thank you.”

Ending the call and slipping his phone into his pocket, Bill quickly embraced Paul.

“I’m so sorry, Paul. I… I’m sorry.” Bill murmured, his voice shaking as he tried to control his emotions. “Let’s get the two of you home.”

\-----

Paul didn’t remember much from the ride home. He couldn’t remember much of anything that happened after he received that fateful phone call from the hospital. A day that had passed by as quickly as they always did before Christmas had slowed to a crawl.

Yet, he did remember stopping by an old Victorian house decorated for the holidays. Lights hung from the porch roof, twinkling merrily against the black canvas of the night sky. Flowers – primroses, perhaps – swung in the gentle breeze on the porch as candles flickered in the windows, their warm yellow light beckoning and welcoming wearing travelers. That stately red brick house where, just inside through the front window, he could see a Christmas tree already decorated for the holiday adorned with homemade ornaments with a smattering of store-bought ones scattered throughout.

As Bill brought the car to a halt in front of the house, a young woman, who couldn’t have been much older than him made her way out to meet them. Seeing her, Alice hopped out of the back of the car before hugging the woman and running into the house. 

Paul ignored the conversation that the young woman and Bill were having, instead choosing to focus on the reflection of Lily who had finally fallen into an exhausted sleep in the backseat. During the ride over, Alice had tried her best to console the little girl and distract her with all sorts of stories. While he logically knew that Lily was safe, securely buckled into her car seat, combined with the fact that Bill was the safest driver Paul had ever met, he was terrified that if he took his eyes off of her, she’d be gone as well. That he’d blink and instead of Lily sleeping in the back, her quiet snores reassuring him that she was alive and there, the seat would be empty, and he’d not only have to bury his wife, but his daughter as well.

Keeping his eye locked on the rearview mirror he nearly missed the slight knocking on his window. Startled, he turned to see Bill’s friend clutching a round metal container.

Not saying a word, she held it out to him and with a small smile, her warm brown eyes glimmering with unshed tears in the moonlight, and a slight shrug as he took them, she turned around and made her way back into her house. As Bill climbed into the driver’s seat and fastened his seatbelt, Paul watched as the young woman shepherded a small child, a young boy who couldn’t be all that much older than Lily, who had come to watch her and stood on the front porch waiting for her, back inside.

\-----

Dropping heavily on the couch, Paul listened as Bill made his way down the stairs, his footsteps echoing up the hallway to their apartment as he was left in silence once more. Kat had always been the one listening to music or singing quietly under her breath as she moved through the day while he preferred the calm and peace silence could bring. Never had he thought silence could be so oppressing and that he would miss the sound of someone moving through the house attempting to be quiet so that they wouldn’t wake up their daughter, but utterly failing and making enough noise to fill their home.

He’d have to figure out what they were going to do tomorrow, but for now, all he wanted to do was sit down and pretend that everything was the way it was 24 hours ago. 24 hours ago when Kat had curled up next to him and they had started talking about when it would finally be the right time to buy their Christmas tree and follow that checklist in the book she loved so much.

He couldn’t believe that he’d never hear her voice again, hear her laugh at his attempts to be funny, hear her singing Lily a lullaby before bed. He’d never feel her slide in next to him in bed, tucking her socked feet in between his legs because they were still cold even with the extra layer. He’d never smell the mix of her perfume and soap that was so uniquely her.

She was never coming back, and he had no idea what they were going to do. Lily was too young to have lost her mother; only three years old. Too young to remember every hug, every cuddle, every kiss. Too young to remember how deeply her mother loved her and how she had been the light of her mother’s life. Too young to have truly learned anything from her. Oh God… He’d have to walk Lily through the sex talk and puberty. He was by no means ready for that. That’s what Kat was supposed to handle while he escaped for fear that his face would be bright red by the end of it.

What were they going to do without her?

Perhaps he’d blink and wake up the next morning, Kat tucked safely in his arms, her warm body pressed to his and this would all be a nightmare. A nightmare come and gone and they would be a family once more. Yet, he knew that was a fool’s dream.

Lost in his thoughts, he almost ignored the bright red and green metal container that sat, seemingly out of place on the dark brown oak wood coffee table. Gingerly picking it up, he carefully removed the lid and lifted up the piece of wax paper which lay on top. As he did, the scent of butter and sugar, toasted nuts and caramel, and coconut and gingerbread, rose up and enveloped him as if giving him the softest and warmest hug.

Eyes widening, he skimmed the brief note which had been included on top of the wax paper.

_We are so sorry to hear about your wife and thought that cookies might help. After all, there’s nothing a cookie can’t help. Well, there are some things that cookies can’t help, but that’s what time is for. I promise things will get better. It seems cliché and trite, but they will. It’ll just take some time. Sorry it’s not a casserole, but if given the choice between cookies or an overcooked, slimy casserole, who willingly chooses casserole?_

_I hope these bring you and your daughter some light this holiday season._

Looking more closely at the tin, which he now realized was decorated with poinsettias, he could see it was packed with all sorts of cookies. On the top lay a beautifully decorated gingerbread man and a little gingerbread girl. He’d save those for later when he could show Lily what Bill’s friend had given them. Maybe it would make her smile, if for a blink of the eye.

Picking up a sugar cookie freely decorated with red and green colored sugar, he nibbled on it staring blindly at the wall, desperately trying to avoid the framed picture of their wedding that Kat had hung above the mantle. Yet, as if a moth attracted to the light, his eyes eventually landed on it. 

As twin tear slowly rolled down his cheeks, he desperately tried to contain the sobs he had pushed down and fought to suppress since he had been told the news. Tracing Kat’s face with his eyes, he made one last promise, one he intended to keep no matter what.

_I promise you, Kat, Lily will be okay._

* * *

August 15, 2018

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Wake up!” Paul jerked awake as he felt someone land on his chest. “It’s Wednesday, so it’s the first day of school.”

Fighting back the small smile that appeared on his face, Paul fumbled for his glasses before sitting up and settling Lily in his lap.

“Now that can’t be right. It can’t already be Wednesday, can it?”

“It is, Daddy. It is!” Lily grabbed her father’s arm and tugged him out of bed and into the kitchen where a calendar hug on the wall. Lily had selected an animal calendar this year, a welcome change from the Disney princess calendars she had chosen in recent years. Paul didn’t mind the Disney calendars, he just wanted Lily to be happy, but if he was being honest, it was nice to see pictures of bears, birds, and elephants with calming muted colors every morning as opposed to the bright, sparkling pictures of calendars past. 

Reaching her arms up so Paul could pick her up, Lily pointed to the center of the calendar where the 15thhad been circled. “Remember? We crossed off Tuesday yesterday, so today has to be Wednesday.”

“Are you sure, Lily-bug? Maybe we slept for so long that now it’s Thursday.”

“No, Daddy. It’s Wednesday. And I’m dressed already and you’re not and we have to get to school so I can meet my new teacher and see all of my friends again.” Lily wiggled out of Paul’s grasp and hopped over to counter to pull an orange out of the bag.

Skipping her way back over to him, she looked up at him, her greeneyes a near replication of her mother’s gazing up at him. “Peel, please? And then you have to change, Daddy, so we can leave and get to school early.”

Taking the orange out of her hand, Paul grabbed a bowl from the drying rack so that he could place the peeled orange slices in it before giving it to his daughter. Yes, they had a dishwasher which had been so useful when Lily was little and neither he nor Kat wanted to handwash the many, many, many cups, bowls, cutlery, etc. that had more often than not ended up on the floor. However, with just the two of them, he didn’t see a point in running it for such a small load of dishes and he wasn’t going to just leave the dishes unwashed overnight.

Making quick work of the orange, he quickly rinsed his hands and passed the bowl over to Lily before leading her to the small breakfast nook, where she quickly scrambled into her chair. Watching her take a bite and happily smile at him, he brushed a hand over her blonde crown where, thankfully, her hair had stayed securely in the twin braids she had asked for the night before.

Under his breath he quietly thanked Alice for teaching him how to braid hair, which truly was a lifesaver when trying to control Lily’s hair. While his hair was stick straight, Lily had not only inherited her mother’s hair color, but also her curls. Which was fine on days when they weren’t in a hurry, but on days when he was trying to get them both out of the house so that they could make the drive to school, 15 minutes – or there about – before school started so neither of them were worried that she’d be late for school, trying to work a brush through her hair was far more time consuming that either of them had the patience for.

Stopping by the bathroom to move through his morning routine, namely switching from glasses to contacts so Ted wouldn’t say anything once again, he hastened to his closet and grabbed the first items he could see, black suit, white shirt, black tie. As he threw them on as quickly as possible, he could hear Lily humming to herself and the clanking of the plastic bowl falling into the sink as she still wasn’t tall enough to reach over the sink walls and carefully place it inside.

“Ready to go, Lily-bug?” Paul called as he slipped on his shoes and waited for her by the door.

“Ready, Daddy!” Lily popped her head out of her bedroom and ran over to him, her orange backpack bouncing as she took every step.

“Alright, one quick picture for Mama and then we’ll be on our way. Sound good to you?”

“Yes, Daddy.” Lily smiled up at him, a grin nearly taking over her face, as she posed with her hands on her hips looking so excited to be starting first grade.

Paul snapped a quick picture on his phone, before grabbing his keys and briefcase which sat by the door. “Perfect, time to go.”

As Paul shut the door behind them, his eyes caught sight of Kat’s picture which still hung in its place on honor. _Look at our girl, Kat._

\-----

“We’re here, Daddy. We’re here!” Lily squealed with excitement as Paul turned into the driveway of Hatchetfield Elementary School. While he and Kat had attended the Sycamore District, the house they had chosen was zoned for Hatchetfield. Since everyone from Sycamore ended up hating the school (and themselves, as the running joke always seemed to be), he was more than happy to send Lily to the Hatchetfield schools instead.

Not only was it conveniently located by CCRP, but the elementary school, middle school, and high school were all located on the same campus. Which made it very convenient for Grace Chasity to pick up Lily and take her home where she would babysit her for a few hours before Paul was able to make his own way home.

Parking his car, Paul got out of the front seat and pulled Lily into a hug. “Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you to class?”

“No, Daddy. I’m a big girl now and big girls walk themselves to class!”

“Alright. Have a good first day of school. I love you, Lily-bug.”

Lily hugged him one more time before stepping back, flashing one last grin at him, and running to the front entrance where the principal waved at her and welcomed her back to school.

Okay, okay, okay.

Shaking his head knowing that his daughter certainly didn’t get her spunk and spirit from him, he climbed back into the car and watched as a trio of siblings made their way towards the school.

“I told you we weren’t going to be late.” The older girl told the two of them as she glanced at her phone as if to send a text message before looking around as if searching for someone.

“Could have been.” The younger girl said causing the little boy to laugh and the older girl to playfully glare at her.

Looking up at his sisters, the little boy asked, “What would Momma have said if we were late for the first day of school?”

Shaking her head, the older girl told him, “Considering we’ve almost been late for the first day of school since Momma started taking us to school, she probably would have just laughed and told us it was nice we kept the tradition going before waking us all up 15 minutes earlier tomorrow.”

Stopping by the front of the elementary school, Paul saw the two girls hug the little boy, who clung to them for a moment before smiling at something the older one said, repeating it himself, and then making his way into the school.

Sighing deeply, Paul lit the ignition and continued his way downtown. Kat had always wanted more than one child – Paul had just wanted her to be happy – and seeing the three kids, he could almost imagine for a second how much Lily would have loved being an older sister. But, somethings just weren’t meant to be and he was by no means interested in dating any time soon. He and Lily were fine. Just as he had promised Kat all those years ago, Lily was fine.

\-----

While Beanies didn’t have the best coffee – really, the only good item they made was an iced caramel frappe – Paul could never bring himself to visit the Starbucks which was just a few blocks down the street. Of course, he didn’t patronize them merely out of the goodness of his heart, because while he certainly supported small businesses, their coffee was fairly overpriced for the quality of the drink and how someone could serve subpar black coffee was beyond him. But, he couldn’t go anywhere else because Kat’s favorite drink had been an iced caramel frappe, particularly Beanies’ iced caramel frappe, and visiting the shop every day made it feel like she was still there, even for a blink of the eye.

Thankfully he had managed to escape the office before Ted could ask him where he was going. While he appreciated the fact that Ted had been the only one to not treat him as if he were made of glass after Kat’s death – he supposed there were some aspects of the Ted he had known in high school who had been willing to be friends with the awkward, nerdy, lanky kid in the school still in the person he now called Ted – he could only handle Ted for so long before he snapped at him. Sometimes Paul wondered if Ted was timing himself and trying to make him snap at him as fast as he possibly could, but he hoped that Ted had better hobbies than that. Although, given the fact that he liked to flaunt his affair with Charlotte in front of everyone and tell them all of the details of how they would work around Sam, Paul did occasionally question Ted’s choices and decisions.

Thankfully Melissa was pretty good at managing Ted and all it would take was one message and she’d come and rescue all of them. Paul and Bill had once asked her how she knew what to do and her only response had been “brothers.”

Waiting in line and texting Bill to see if he wanted anything – and ignoring all of the singing that was occurring in the store, of course – he suddenly found himself sprawled on the floor with a woman lying next to him. Looking up to see a man carrying a large cup of coffee and heading out the door, he could only assume that he had knocked into the woman who had then managed to pull him down in her fall.

Finding his balance much more quickly than she did as she struggled with her bag, Paul managed to get back on his feet before holding out his hand to help her up.

As she took his hand, with a grip much firmer than he would have expected given how small she appeared, she apologized, “I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t mean to pull you down with me, I was trying to keep my balance after that man bumped into me. I have no idea where he’s going that he seemed to be in such a hurry, but I hope it’s worth it.”

Paul glanced over her trying to make sure that she hadn’t hit her head or bruised herself in the fall, but before he was able to reply, she continued, saying, “It certainly would be an awful if his venti caramel frappe with 10 pumps of hazelnut, three shots of expresso, and no caramel drizzle with whip on top spilled whenever he got to his destination because of how much in a hurry he was.”

At the annoyance in her voice and the fact that she could rattle off a complete stranger’s coffee order at the drop of a hat – or, well, two bodies if he wanted to be specific – he couldn’t help but laugh, although it came out as more of a snort than a laugh.

The next comment made him smile as well. 

“So, you are real after all. I was worried you had disappeared somewhere and I was talking to a ghost.”

His smile must have encouraged her as she apologized before introducing herself.

“I am sorry about sending you sprawling on the floor. What can I say? I don’t know my own strength. Anyways, I’m Emma.”

Emma, that name seemed oddly familiar. While he couldn’t immediately place where he had heard the name being mentioned – was it Bill? – he knew that he had heard it somewhere. Suddenly feeling self-conscious – had he been staring at her for too long? – he realized that the polite thing to do was to introduce himself as well.

“Paul. That is,” He stammered for a second, “my name is Paul.”

“Well, hi Paul, I’m Emma.” She smiled up him, her eyes crinkling around the edges.

He wanted to ask if she was okay after having fallen, but just as he was about to ask, he realized that the line had finally moved and that it was his turn to order. Hoping she would understand, but not wanting to cause anyone to wait longer than they needed, he gave her one last smile and walked up to the register. Ordering a single medium black coffee – Bill hadn’t responded saying that he did want a drink after all – he suddenly found himself suddenly craving gingerbread, the words of the note he had received so long ago floating through his mind.

_I promise things will get better. It seems cliché and trite, but they will. It’ll just take some time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just never know when you've actually met someone for the first time.
> 
> I hope you liked getting a glimpse of Paul's life and meeting Lily. The next chapter we get to see Bill trying his hand at matchmaking. Or, trying his hand once again at matchmaking… 
> 
> As a note, I think I'm going to modify this posting schedule a bit so it's two chapters a week. When I started projecting forward, I realized that once a week takes this to mid-May and there are some RL events happening in late April and May, so twice a week will work best. I haven't decided whether it's going to be Monday and Friday or Tuesday and Saturday yet, but it'll be one of those two options. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading this and the warm reception from last chapter. :) I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Stay safe and healthy.


	3. The Life I Never Led

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill tries his hand at matchmaking (again).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: abusive relationship is alluded to.

“The past was always there, lived inside of you, and it helped to make you who you were. But it had to be placed in perspective. The past could not dominate the future.”   
― **Barbara Taylor Bradford, _Unexpected Blessings_ **

* * *

August 17, 2018

“Yes, Bill, I did see the listing of this season’s touring Broadway shows that are coming to the Starlight. You sent me that email last week with _Mamma Mia_ in all caps in the subject line.”

Emma sat in her office, a small room off the main hallway of the second floor which was adorned with floor to ceiling bookshelves filled to the brim with all sorts of books, dictionaries, and encyclopedias. A navy loveseat sat pressed against the right wall and her desk sat in front of the window overlooking the front yard. A pale white, plush carpet covered the floor, and a few succulents sat on the windowsill.

As Emma carried on her conversation with Bill, her eyes danced between two monitors as she continued to work on the final edits – or at least her editor had promised these were the final round of edits – for her newest book.

“Mmm-hmmm, I don’t think the kids will really be interested in too many of them, but I might try _School of Rock_ and _Waitress_. I think Lex might enjoy School of Rock and they all enjoyed _Waitress_ when we watched it one Friday.”

Pausing to think about one of the comments that had been left on the description of Esther’s, her protagonist’s, friends, she quickly thought of a way to rephrase the description making it clearer and more succinct. 

“Yes, I figured that you’d say that about it, but sex is also alluded to in _Mamma Mia_. What do you think _Honey, Honey_ , _Lay All Your Love On Me_ , and _Does Your Mother Know_ is about?”

Emma swallowed her laugh at Bill’s sputtered response. 

Of all the things in her life she had no idea how they had happened, being friends with Bill Woodward was near the top of that list. Sweet and straightlaced Bill was not someone who she would have ever imagined being friends with, and yet somewhere along the line, among the birthday parties, school fieldtrips, open houses, musical concerts, school musicals, and how tiny Harchetfield was in general, they had become friends.

In her attempt to be the exact opposite of her parents, Emma often volunteered to chaperone her kids’ fieldtrips and Bill, whose daughter Alice was in the same grade as Lex, often volunteered as well. Being two of the only parents who would willingly submit themselves to watch 20 children run around the zoo, Watcher World, the aquarium, or wherever else their teacher had planned for them to go, they had gotten to know each other very well over the years. Her house had been one of the places Alice escaped to while Bill and his wife were going through their divorce and during the arguments that led up to them splitting up. While Lex and Alice may have drifted apart a bit after she and her mother moved to Clivesdale, Alice still occasionally spent the night over at their house and Bill was still more than happy to run his plans for what he wanted to do during Alice’s weekend visit with her.

“Bill, Alice is 17. I guarantee you that she’s heard of worse things from people at school. She goes to Clivesdale after all.”

“Yes, yes,” Emma couldn’t help but laugh this time, “Well I’d rather Lex know everything now than not know anything at all. You can’t shelter Alice forever. She’s growing up, Bill. They’re growing up whether we like it or not.”

Finishing her last edit, Emma breathed a sigh of relief, bringing her hand up to rub her eyes. She tried not to stare at the computer for as long as she just had, but she was on a deadline and wanted to be done before the kids got home. They were done with their first week of school and she wanted to spend as much time with them as possible.

Turning on her wireless earbuds, Emma slipped them in as she made her way downstairs. When she had asked the kids what they wanted for dinner, Tim had immediately suggested lasagna and Lex and Hannah had agreed. She’d been simmering the sauce all day for it but needed to prep a few other ingredients for it so that she could put everything together and throw it in the oven closer to dinner time.

Grabbing the fresh ball of mozzarella she had picked up that morning, she began to tear it into small pieces.

“Bill, I thought you agreed to stop trying to set me. No, that’s what you said last time.” Emma rolled her eyes as she danced to the windowsill and plucked a handful of basil from one of the many plants which sat happily in the sun.

As much as she appreciated Bill’s friendship – it had been difficult returning to Hatchetfield and suddenly find herself responsible for 3 children at the age of 23 when almost all of her friends, or, well, acquaintances, were still partying to their hearts’ content and enjoying their wild 20’s – she didn’t always appreciate his desire to meddle with her love life or lack thereof. 

Every few months he’d try to convince her to go out on a date with someone he knew, or someone who knew someone he knew. These people ranged from one of his coworker’s husband’s friend from the police force, Gary Goldstein – who she had immediately rejected and refused to go out with, one of his friends from church and an eclectic and strange handful of others.

Sometimes she’d cave and agree to meet whoever he was trying to set her up with on a blind date. He had learned that if he let them set up the date, that more often than not, the date wouldn’t happen in the first place. So, he now took care of the details in order to respect her privacy and so she could control who had access to her number. That said, none of the dates she had agreed to go on had been very successful and, well, some weren’t worth thinking about at all and others, others she just wanted to forget had ever happened.

For most of them, three kids was a deal breaker and she had decided long ago that the kids came first. So, anyone who couldn’t accept that she was a mother first and foremost and that their concerts, soccer games, showcases, and plays came before any sort of date that they wanted to plan was someone she simply couldn’t even think of dating. She also refused to interact with anyone who dared to insult her children or made any comments about their background or future. 

“Bill, you promise that every time you try to set me up.” Emma responded moving over to the gas stove to make sure that nothing had burned or stuck to the bottom of the red Dutch oven that she had been using to cook the sauce.

Tasting it, she added a few dashes of salt, pepper, oregano, and just a few small pieces of thyme. Making sure all the spices had been incorporated, she placed the lid back on the Dutch oven and turned down the heat.

“You can’t know that I’ll like this person, Bill. That’s what you’ve said for like 90% of all the other people you’ve convinced me to have dinner with. And I’m not putting the kids through that again.” Emma grabbed another pot and filling it with water, placed it on the stove next to the sauce. Turning on the burner, she covered that pot and headed to the pantry to retrieve the lasagna noodles. “You know, I miss those years when you had decided that this wasn’t a good idea and that, maybe, trying to find me a date wasn’t such a bright idea after all.”

Placing the noodles on the counter, Emma sighed, leaning back again the pantry door. “Yes, yes, I know you didn’t do that intentionally. I do forgive you, you know.” She took a breath as she fought to keep her body from trembling as those unwanted memories that she had struggled to banish began to return once more. Closing her eyes, she clutched her locket and began to count, breathing in for 4 seconds, holding her breath for 7, and breathing out for 8, “I should have been wiser. I should have known better. I should have seen it coming.” She shook her head in disgust as she opened her eyes.

“But, even if he’s your best friend, I…” Emma paused for a second, “No, no, that’s not what I meant, Bill. You know that’s not what I meant.” She added before digging through the spice drawer and looking for the salt before realizing it was already on the counter.

Her eyes landed on one of the photos decorating the room and she immediately looked away. “I just… I’m sure he’s a very nice person if he’s your best friend, but maybe I’m just not cut out for any of this. You saw what happened before. I can’t, I won’t… I’m happy with the way things are now.”

“So, you’re promising that not only will I actually like your friend, but that if I go out with him just once, you won’t call trying to convince me to go on a blind date with anyone else, _ever_?” Emma clarified before hearing a car roll into the driveway.

“One sec, Bill. Lex, Hannah and Tim just got home. But, you do know… You can’t possibly… Bill, you won’t ever try this again? And when this one inevitably fails, because it will- What makes you so sure that it’ll go well?” Emma couldn’t help scoffing at his response, “That’s what you said last time, Bill.”

Slipping the right earbud out of her ear and into her pocket, Emma made her way to the front door managing to open it just as Hannah was about to unlock it.

Smiling widely, she opened her arms as Tim dashed past Hannah and straight into them. Hugging him tightly, she pressed a kiss to his crown before smiling up at her girls who were toeing off their shoes.

“Did you all have a good day at school?” She asked releasing Tim who slipped off his shoes and darted to the kitchen to grab a snack.

Lex kissed her cheek before making her way up the stairs. “It was fine,” she said rolling her eyes, “but apparently I have homework for every single class. They’re already starting and it’s just the freaking first week of school.”

Emma couldn’t help but laugh. She remembered what that was like and she was certainly glad that she was no longer in high school. Even if they did have a few late-night sessions pouring over homework problems that neither fully understood because who understands inverse trig functions before turning to the internet to see if someone there could explain what they were supposed to do. Letting Lex head upstairs, she turned to her youngest daughter who had sat down on the couch, book in hand.

“And you, Miss Hannah Banana, how was your day?”

Hannah smiled up at her. “Good, Momma. I liked the English class. We’re reading _The Giver_ first.” She explained holding up an old, well-loved book. “And art is fun as always. If you’re talking to Uncle Bill, I know you’re scared, but you should tell him yes.”

Emma snorted as Bill, who evidentially had not put down the phone and heard the entire conversation while he was supposed to be working, cheered at Hannah’s comment.

Rolling her eyes at his antics, she brushed a gentle kiss across her daughter’s forehead as Tim hopped up next to Hannah and placed a bowl of grapes in between the two of them before asking her to read to him.

Making her way back into the kitchen, she slipped the other earbud back into her ear. “Out of the mouth of babes.” She said knowing that she’d have no choice but to say yes. She had really wanted to say no, but she knew that Bill definitely wasn’t going to stop pestering her about it if she said no. Brushing her fingers against the warm gold of the heart shaped locket that lay nestled against the base of her neck, she shook her head.

“I’ll go, but just this once, and,” she lowered her voice, “are you sure they’re going to be okay with the fact that I have three kids? You know I’m not afraid of leaving in the middle of dinner if they’re not.”

“That’s what you’ve said before, but if you’re certain.” She sighed. “Alright. Text me the time and place and I’ll be there. But if this goes south, remember – you promised no more of these, _ever_. And I’m holding you to that, Bill Woodward.”

Adding salt to the pasta water, which had finally started to boil, she carefully added the lasagna noodles, stirring to ensure that they wouldn’t stick. 

“I’ll talk to you later. Tell Alice that if she wants to come over for dinner the next time she’s in town, she’s more than welcome to. Oh, and if she’s spending time with Deb while she’s here, she’s invited as well.”

Ending the call, Emma sat down at one of the barstools, her eyes tracing the photos that decorated the walls. While the living room, stairway, and upstairs hallway were adorned with slightly more professional pictures, she had always loved the ones which hung in the kitchen.

When the kids were little, they used to sit at the island doing their work as she struggled to create something both palatable and edible and assist them with whatever they were working on. Thankfully her cooking had come a long way from those disastrous first few meals, but she had made a few immediate changes to the kitchen to make it more welcoming. Jane had been in the process of making her house a home for children, but she had died before she was truly able to, and when Emma moved it, it looked like more like a home from _Better Homes and Gardens_ as opposed to a place for children to grow up knowing they were loved and valued. It looked like a mixture of their childhood home with just hints suggesting that people actually lived there as opposed to the mausoleum that their mother’s and father’s house had always felt like. As a way to remind the children that she wasn’t going to ever try to replace their biological parents, and as a reminder of what she was fighting for, she had framed and hung-up pictures of Tom and Jane beaming over an infant Tim as well as the one picture Lex had owned of her mother, herself and Hannah from when Hannah had been a toddler.

As the years progressed, and those original few pictures took on different means, additional pictures had joined those in the kitchen including her favorite – an aerial picture of her embracing the kids on the day she had officially adopted all three of them. She was kneeling on the ground, Hannah and Tim hugging her while Lex was behind her hugging all three of them. The joy and excitement so evident on all of their faces along with slight tear stains marring all of their cheeks.

Sighing, she walked over to the picture, her fingers lightly skimming over the black wood frame. Well, she supposed she had a date soon. At the very least, if it turned out poorly – which she wouldn’t be surprised if it did, she didn’t seem to have much luck when it came to men and it wasn’t like she was actively looking – at least she’d managed to wrestle a true promise out of Bill that he was done with his matchmaking adventures. That would be a win for everyone. 

Shaking her head, Emma turned back to the stove to continue working on the lasagna. And, she peeked at the clock checking to see if there was time, maybe a tiramisu as well. 

\-----

“So…” Bill jumped as Ted popped his head over the cubicle’s wall. “What did she say?”

“What did who say?”

Ted rolled his eyes as he hopped down from the chair he was standing on and leaned against the entrance. “Don’t play dumb with me, Bill. It’s the middle of August, so obviously you were on the phone with your friend, Erica,”

“Emma.”

“Gesundheit. Whoever,” He shrugged, “trying to convince her to go on yet another blind date with some sorry sap that you thought would work out well because you’re worried about her and don’t want her to end up alone and lonely like you.”

Bill narrowed his eyes as he stared at Ted ignoring the last part of what he had just said, “And just how do you know all that?”

“Well, duh… a) it’s so predictable, and b) you’ve been making these calls every few months like clockwork for the past 5 years. Although,” He paused, tapping his lips, “there was that period a while ago where you’d call and just ask how she was doing without any mention of a potential suiter. Anyways,” Ted waved his hand dismissively, “Your last call was in June, to which she refused, and you sulked around the office for a good week. So this is prime time to call and ask again. So,” Ted leaned in as if hearing the juiciest piece of gossip, “did she say yes or are you going to have to break yet another person’s heart and tell them she refused to say yes?” 

Sighing and not really wanting to deal with Ted’s antics right now, especially because now he had to go convince the guy he had convinced Emma to go on a blind date with to go on said blind date, Bill wished that Melissa wasn’t out on a personal day so he could tap her in. “If I tell you, will you go away?”

A smirk crossed Ted’s face as he stroked his moustache as if thinking about Bill’s question, “It depends, who’s the guy?”

“Who’s what guy?” Charlotte asked popping up next to Ted, coffee pot in hand.

“Shh…” Bill hushed her, motioning with his hand to keep her voice down.

Realizing that this wasn’t something they wanted everyone to hear, Charlotte apologized, whispering. “Sorry, but who’s what guy?” Pausing for a second and looking at the calendar on Bill’s cubicle wall, “Oh, did you just get off the phone with Emma? I hope she’s doing well. I still feel awful about what happened…” Her voice trailed off before she perked up again, “Did you finally manage to convince Emma to go out with Paul?”

“What?” Ted reared back in surprise, his voice rising before looking over Bill and Paul’s shared wall, relieved that Paul had stepped out for a moment even if it wasn’t his normal time to be out of the office.

Looking back at Bill, he questioned, “You’re trying to set up your friend with Paul? Dead wife, single parent with school aged daughter Paul? Paul who literally just comes to work and leaves and does nothing else. The Paul who Melissa who has been trying to convince to join the company softball league with no luck. That Paul?”

“I think they’d be good for each other.” Charlotte added, looking over her shoulder.

“Well, no one asked you, Charlotte.” Ted snapped his voice getting progressively louder. “But, even if you think they’d be good for each other, Paul’s still misses Kat. And the fact that I’m the one saying this means that there’s a problem. Wait,” he said turning to her, “how do you know Emily?”

“Emma,” Charlotte corrected him. “And before Alice moved to Clivesdale, Emma used to drop Alice off at the office after she spent the afternoon at her house if Bill or Jean couldn’t pick her up.”

“Wait,” Ted leaned in, a grin growing on his face. “You’re setting Paul up with your babysitter? Oh, this just keeps getting better and better!”

Bill’s eyes widened as he waved his hands at Ted as if to cut him off. “What? No!” He exclaimed. “Emma is Alice’s friend’s mother. Alice used to go over to their house to hangout after school when neither Jean nor I could pick her up and we didn’t want her home by herself.”

This, however, simply caused Ted to start laughing. “So instead of a teenager, you’re setting him up with a 40 plus year old woman? Bill, he’s not desperate. He’s not even looking to be in a relationship with someone. And, don’t forget Lily. You know, the little girl who looks like a mix of Paul and his dead wife? The one who lost her mother when she was 3?”

Sighing, Bill covered his face with his hand for a moment before looking up at Ted. “Emma is about the same age as you and Paul and Charlotte. She adopted Lex, who’s Alice’s friend, years ago and is a wonderful person and mother. And I think she would get along very well with Paul and Lily. Do you have any other pressing questions?”

Scoffing, Ted rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Bill. I don’t care. Just don’t let him get hurt.” He told Bill before walking away seemingly satisfied with the amount of chaos he had caused for the day.

As Charlotte trailed after Ted, Bill heard the stairwell door open and Paul’s characteristic gait making his way towards his cubicle. Nodding once to himself, he got up. He could do this. Yeah, he could do this.

\-----

Paul knew it was silly to hope that every time he walked into Beanies, the strange woman – Emma, his brain corrected himself – who had fallen on him would also be there. Yet, for some strange reason, that was exactly what he hoped would happen every time he took his break and went for a walk to escape the office. He just wanted to figure out why she had reminded him of gingerbread and why there was something familiar about her that he just couldn’t put his finger on.

However, it was almost as if she were the ghost and even though he had visited Beanies for the past two days looking for her, he hadn’t been able to catch her. He had even asked the barista behind the counter if she knew of an Emma, but all Zoey – at least he thought her name was Zoey – had done was looked surprised for a moment before schooling her face into a perfect customer service smile and ask him if that would be all.

Did Emma even exist? Was she some strange dream that his mind had created as a way to mourn Kat and deal with the fact that Lily was now in first grade and that this was yet another year of school that Kat would never be able to see? But holding her hand for that brief moment had felt so real that she had to exist, right?

Grasping the cup of mediocre, slightly cold, and bland black coffee, he scanned his badge and made his way back to his desk. Lily had finished school 45 minutes ago and Grace Chastity had texted him letting him know that she had picked her up and was on their way to his apartment. Only another hour and a half before he’d be able to leave and return home to her. It was the end of the first week of school for her so when she had asked if they could have spaghetti for dinner, he had immediately agreed. Kat had been the cook in their small family and while he had managed to pick up a few skills during their marriage, the kitchen was not his strong point. Although, he could make a mean spaghetti and he was forever grateful that Lily enjoyed it so much. There were only so many meals that he could feed her chicken nuggets and mac and cheese, pizza, and takeout without feeling like even more of a woefully inadequate father. He tried. God, he tried. But there were times when he couldn’t help but think how much better things would be if Lat was still alive and Lily had her mother once more.

Deep in thought, he almost dropped his still half-filled cup – not that it would have been a real waste of coffee – when he turned the corner and nearly ran into Bill who was standing at the entrance of his cubicle.

“Jesus Christ, Bill. What are you doing?” Paul sputtered placing a hand against the cloth covered wall.

Smiling as if nervous, Bill simply gestured towards Paul’s office and followed him as he sat down.

“So…” Bill started, looking at the picture of Kat and Lily which stood by his computer monitor. “What are you… no. Would you… no,” Bill shook his head. “How was you walk?” He finally asked his gaze landing on the cup Paul was still holding.

“Good.” Paul answered staring at Bill confused by his sudden appearance. Normally when Bill wanted to talk, they just talked over the cubicle walls or Bill would at least wait for him to sit down and finish his coffee before appearing in his doorway. “Was there something you needed? You didn’t accidently send something to my printer, right? Remember you want to print from the HP Laser Jet not the HP Ink Jet.”

“Right,” Bill nodded. “No, I umm…” He paused before finally blurting out, “Are you doing anything next week?”

“Well, Lily’s back in school, so I assume lots of homework at the breakfast table?”

“Yeah, she’s in first grade now.” Bill agreed contemplating if this truly was a good idea. But, then he truly looked at Paul and noticed how tired he looked and how it seemed as if the light and life had faded out of his eyes after Kat died and never returned. He knew someone who could help with that. He had seen how she brought the light back into her children’s lives and he had no doubt she could do it again with Paul and with Lily. Yes, this was something that would work. He was sure of it. “So, here’s the thing. Alice is staying with me next weekend and would love to babysit Lily. I have a friend who I think you’d get along really well with. So, what do you think about meeting up with her for dinner next weekend?” 

Paul, who had turned away to open up one of the reports he needed to finish for Mr. Davidson, turned to gawk at Bill. Blinking a few times, as if to make sure he heard what he had heard, he tried to process what he had been asked. Had Bill just asked him if he could essentially set him up on a date?

“What?” Was all that Paul could say in response.

“How about you let Alice babysit Lily so that you have a free evening and have dinner with a friend of mine?” Bill rephrased his proposal.

“You want me to do what?” Paul asked in response still trying to comprehend what was being asked of him.

“I want you to get out your apartment and have a nice dinner at a restaurant with a friend of mine.”

Shaking his head, Paul said, “Bill, you can’t be serious.”

Bill squared his shoulders and placed his hands on the desk. “Look, I have a good friend that I want you to meet and have dinner with next week. I’ve known her for the past 8 years and I think the two of you would be good for each other. She’s already agreed to meet you, so you have to meet her.”

Shaking his head once more, Paul responded, “Bill, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m not interested in a relationship right now. Lily’s enough for me. And I’ve got a lot to do next weekend.”

“Like what? You just said that you’re planning on spending most of it working with Lily on her homework.”

“Well…” Paul stalled trying to think of what he could say to deter his friend, “it’s almost October, so Lily needs to start thinking about Halloween costumes. And there are a few leaves on the ground, which is strange because it’s only August, but I should start raking those up. Don’t want to let those pile up too much because you just know that when you let them sit for too long they just make even more of a mess and are even harder to clean up afterwards.”

“You don’t even like Halloween, Paul. And besides, you know that Alice would be more than happy to help Lily with her costume. In fact, they can do that while you go out to dinner.”

“Bill…”

“I just want you to meet her, Paul. Go, have dinner, I’ll even pay, and just meet her.” Pausing, Bill hesitated for a second before tentatively continuing, “Kat wouldn’t want you to live life like this, Paul. Coming to work and immediately leaving. Living solely for Lily and not doing anything else. Living life like a ghost. She’d want you to at least try, Paul.”

Paul buried his face in his hands and sighed, “I am trying. Lily’s just… Lily’s just the one bright spot, the only bright spot.”

“I know. And you don’t have to think of this as a date. I think you and she might have more in common than you think. She’ll understand more than you’d expect.” Bill said placing his hand on Paul’s shoulder and squeezing it. “I don’t want to force you to do something that you don’t want to do, and you don’t have to decide right now. But, just, think about it, okay?”

“Okay.” Paul agreed sighing as Bill smiled sadly at him and made his way back to his own desk.

Picking up the coffee cup to take a sip, the scent of gingerbread once again washed over him. Taking a sip to make sure that somehow Zoey hadn’t added a pump of gingerbread syrup or something strange like that – which would be quite odd seeing as it was months before Christmas – he found that it was in fact the same mediocre coffee that it had been earlier.

Opening up the latest spreadsheet he had been working on, he wasn’t going to give Bill’s proposal a second thought when his eyes landed on the picture of Kat and Lily. As he did, Bill’s words echoed through his mind. _Living life like a ghost. She’d want you to at least try._

To try, for Lily at the very least.

 _Okay_.

He nodded to himself as he opened up Skype for Business and clicked on Bill’s name. It was the first name listed, as per normal. Unless, of course, Melissa was asking him to join the softball league telling him how much Lily would love being able to run in the park and watch him try to hit a ball or he had needed to call in the professional to deal with Ted. Seeing the picture of Bill proudly beaming up at the camera, Alice by his side, he couldn’t help but smile at the two of them. While he knew Bill and Alice had their fights, he hoped that he and Lily would still have a good relationship when she was Alice’s age.

 _Okay_.

“Okay. Just one dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they're getting closer. I promise they will actually meet soon. No Lily this chapter, but more of Emma and the kids which is always fun.
> 
> I'm testing this Monday/Friday schedule, but depending on workload may pivot to a Tuesday/Saturday schedule. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and, if you celebrate, happy lunar new year. Stay safe and healthy!


	4. Dreaming Under the Same Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul and Emma get ready for their date - no, dinner - and Emma takes an unwanted trip down memory lane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: domestic violence. If you would prefer to skip that section, skip over the part marked dashes (-----).
> 
> Sorry if you got multiple notifications about this chapter… Technology and I have been struggling all day and apparently it's also affecting this part of my life as well, lol.

“You carry the past with you. Even if there's a before, and an after, in your life. It's still the same life. The trick is to build a bridge between that and what comes later.”   
― **Jennifer Finney Boylan, _Long Black Veil_ **

* * *

August 24, 2018

“Daddy, when is Alice going to be here?”

Paul looked up from where he was fiddling with his outfit. Tie or no tie? This was just an informal gathering between two people and the restaurant wasn’t that fancy. So, no tie was probably best. But if he didn’t wear a tie, he was going to be fiddling with his sleeves or his ring all dinner. He honestly didn’t care what this mystery woman would think if he played with his ring, but he did at least want to put in a modicum of effort so when Bill inevitably quizzed him on what happened he’d be able to at least give some details. That said, going back to his outfit, if he did wear the tie, he’d be fiddling with the tie all night, which was better than trying to stop fiddling with his sleeves, so tie it was.

“She’ll be here soon, Lily-bug. Are you excited to spend time with Alice?”

“Yes!” Lily exclaimed jumping up from the sofa from where she had been thumbing through one of her story books. Taking a closer look, Paul could see that it was the book that had appeared on his desk the first day he had returned to work after Kat’s death. It was about a young girl whose sister had gone away and left her to tend to her garden. Before she left, the sister had planted seeds for white lilacs, yellow tulips, and red hyacinths. The book detailed how the young girl took care of them, weeding the garden beds, watering them and even feeding them and how they bloomed and grew under her watch. The young girl also planted marigolds, pansies and zinnias and eventually found primroses, lily of the valley, and hawthorn growing in her garden as well which flourished under her care. It had been the perfect book for Lily who had inherited her mother’s fondness for nature. Not only did the book do a wonderful job at describing the flowers which were perfectly illustrated and made it seem as if the reader was holding a bouquet of flowers in their hands, but also addressed what it was like to be left behind by someone who you loved. He had never thanked Bill for it, although with how many times Lily had begged him to read it to before bed, he really did owe him quite a lot.

Running over to her father, Lily seemed to vibrate with excitement. “We’re going to watch movies and eat popcorn and Alice will fix my hair. And we’ll stay up all night long. It’s going to be so much fun, Daddy.”

Paul smiled. Even if he wasn’t looking forward to tonight, at least Lily was happy. “All night long? But if you stay up all night, what are you going to do tomorrow?”

“Sleep, Daddy!” Lily laughed, bending over, her arm and knees bent as she grinned up at her father, “Roar! I’ll be like a bear sleeping all day and awake all night.”

Paul couldn’t help but laugh. Picking up his daughter, he held her in his arms as he sat down on the sofa to wait for Alice. “Well, Lily-bear, even little bears need to sleep, and it wouldn’t be fair to Alice to keep her up all night, would it?”

Lily shook her head, “No…” she agreed, frowning before perking up. “But, if I go to bed early, could we go to the park tomorrow?”

“If that’s what you want to do,” Paul agreed, “and the weather’s nice, we can try and go tomorrow.” 

“Yay!” Lily cheered, throwing her arms around his neck. “Thank you, Daddy.”

She paused for a few seconds before drawing back and cocking her head to the side, she hesitantly whispering, “Daddy, is this lady going to be my new mommy?”

“What?” Paul startled looked down at his daughter. “Where did you hear that?”

“Valerie – one of my friends from school, Daddy,” Lily explained seeing her father try to place where he had heard that name before, before continuing, “was talking about how her daddy met someone at dinner after her mommy and daddy separated and how that lady was going to be her new mommy at lunch yesterday. Plus, that’s what happens in Cinderella and Snow White… I don’t want an evil step mommy, Daddy!” Lily shouted, burying her face in his neck. 

Brushing back the curl of hair that had escaped the haphazard and crooked ponytail, Paul shook his head. “No, Lily-bug. I’m just meeting Uncle Bill’s friend for dinner because I promised him I would. And you know what we say about promises.”

“And when I promise something, I never break that promise. Never.” Lily looked up at him, Kat’s eyes shining on her daughter’s face, as she parroted the often repeated phrase back at him.

“Right,” Paul nodded. “So, we’re just going to have dinner and maybe talk and then I’ll come right back, and we’ll go to the park tomorrow, I promise.”

“But,” Lily wavered for a second before continuing, “what if you decide you want to see her again?”

“I’m just having dinner with one of Uncle Bill’s friends. You don’t have to worry, I promise.”

“But,” Lily added, “what if, one day, you meet someone and you want to have dinner with them again.”

Paul fell silent for a second, unsure of what to say. He wasn’t looking for anything and was happy, well, content with Lily and the way things were. “Well, then we’ll cross that bridge when we cross it. But, I promise you, Ms. Lily Matthews, that if that day comes, you’ll be the first person I introduce to whoever that is. Deal?”

“Deal.” Lily nodded her head in agreement before biting her lip and looking down.

“I don’t have to go, if you don’t want me to.” Paul smiled at his daughter, tilting her head up, one finger under her chin. “I can stay right here with you. Just tell me and I’ll text Uncle Bill and let him know.”

“No Daddy, you have to go!” Lily exclaimed, her eyes growing wide as all hesitancy and fear faded from her face, “If you don’t go, Alice and I won’t be able to have any fun.”

“Any fun?” Paul bit back a laugh, “But don’t you have fun with me?”

“I do, but Alice is more fun.” Lily said scrambling out of her father’s lap and spinning around and around. “Alice is lots of fun.”

Paul was about to respond when a knock interrupted his response.

“I’ll get it!” Lily shouted as she raced over to the door, Paul right behind her.

Struggling to open the door but glaring at her father when he tried to help her, Lily eventually managed to get it open. Throwing it open as quickly as she could, Lily grinned up at Alice who was standing in the doorway, backpack on one shoulder. Crouching down, Alice held her arms out and Lily ran straight into them. Picking up the little girl, she smiled over Lily’s head at Paul.

“Hi Uncle Paul.”

“Hi Alice. Thanks for being willing to babysit.” Paul said ushering them both in and taking Alice’s backpack from her.

“Always glad to help. Dad’s been talking about this date, no dinner,” Alice corrected herself with a smile as Paul was about to cut in, “this dinner since you said yes. I think he’s more excited about this than you and Aunt E…” This time Alice cut herself off before she could say the name.

“Right, blind dinner. I’m not supposed to say any names.” She laughed. “Anyways, you better be going, Uncle Paul. Don’t want to be late after all, and this little one and I have a dinner and movie date, don’t we, Lily?”

Nodding, Lily climbed out of Alice’s arms to hug her father. “I love you, Daddy.”

Hugging her tightly, Paul pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I love you too, Lily-bug. I’ll be home before you know it. Be good for Alice, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy. I promise.” Lily hugged him once more before whispering, “You know, I won’t be mad if you have fun too, Daddy. Mama would want you to be happy.”

Gently releasing Lily, Paul turned to Alice. “You and Lily can order whatever you want for dinner – I’ve left cash on the kitchen table – and the list of emergency numbers are right next to it. Lily probably should be in bed by 8, but if she wants to stay up until 8:30, that’s okay. Just, please don’t let her stay up all night.” He pleaded with a laugh.

“I won’t. Dinner, movie, bed by 8:30. I’ve got it.” Alice nodded twice before chuckling and reaching up to fix his tie which was askew and brushing off a piece of lint that had been stuck to his jacket. “There,” she said with a smile, “Lily and I will be fine. Have fun, Uncle Paul.”

Taking a deep breath, Paul sighed before grabbing his keys and wallet from the bowl on the end table by the door. “Alright. Good night Lily have with fun with Alice. I love you.”

“I love you too, Daddy.” Lily’s voice followed him as he stepped out the door, his eyes catching Kat’s as Alice shut the door behind him.

Right, he could do this, it was just a dinner with Bill’s friend after all.

* * *

A slight frown crossed her face as Emma stood in front of the mirror in her closet and stared at red silk blouse she was holding in front of her. Narrowing her eyes, she grabbed the green one which had been hanging on the door handle and tilted her head. Neither looked exactly right, and they looked too much like Christmas, which it was decidedly not. Ignoring the urge to throw both of them out of the closet as she would have years ago and still would have if she wasn’t the one who had to either wash them or pay for dry cleaning, she hung them back up. Maybe it would be best to just wear white and try and avoid getting anything on it.

Hearing her door open, she grabbed the cream satin pussy bow blouse her editor – John – had convinced her to purchase the last time she went on a publicity tour. Holding it up against her, she turned around placing one hand against the door frame and striking a pose.

“What do you think?” She asked Lex who had settled herself on Emma’s bed.

“It looks fine to me, Mom.” At Emma’s raised eyebrow, she added, “It looks better than the red or the green option I know you tried on earlier. If you’re worried, just wear the blue one, but this one looks fine.”

As Emma turned around to put the shirt on, she heard rustling behind her and the clacking of a jewelry box being open and shut. Looking in the mirror, she saw Lex standing behind her, holding her locket that she had taken off so it wouldn’t snag any of the options she tried on and a pair of pearl studs. Not that she would have minded the necklace snagged anything, of course. She hated the idea of removing her locket, but she just couldn’t get her mother’s voice out of her head as hard as she tried. Smiling in thanks, she put on the earrings and she clasped the necklace around her neck fixing the bow so the locket was visible.

“You know,” Lex said as she watched her, “I haven’t seen you put this much effort into getting ready for a date-”

“Dinner-" Emma cut in, correcting her

“Dinner,” Lex amended with a smile, “in a long time.” She paused for a second, reflecting back, “I think the last time was when I was 13 and Uncle Bill set you up with a friend of a friend’s husband? And, oh…” Lex’s smile slipped off her face and her voice trailed off as she remembered.

“Yeah…” Emma nodded, “the…”

“The police officer,” Lex filled in, carefully watching her mother’s reaction.

“Yeah, that bastard.” Emma whispered, shuddering slightly as her hand lifted to clutch her locket and her eyes began to glaze over.

\-----

That had been a potential relationship, if it was even worth calling it that, gone horribly wrong. Up until that particular event, Emma had been willing to give the people that Bill tried to set her up with a fair shot, but after him, she was far more hesitant to meet anyone Bill suggested and far more willing to call it quits before dinner was even over.

It had been their first real date, a dinner date. All of their previous meetings had taken place while the kids were at school and he had a break from work at the local Starbucks which was conveniently located close enough to his station as well as the school. She would have preferred to visit the new coffee shop that had opened down the block, but he insisted on only going to Starbucks. She had mentioned him in passing to the kids but wanted them to meet him first before she said too much.

She thought they might like him – Mike was thoughtful and witty and seemed to like children. Even if some of the comments he made were occasionally a bit unsettling and slightly worrisome at times. But every time she’d mention something he said that didn’t sit right with her, he’d brush it off with a laugh, tell her he was just joking, and that she _“shouldn’t worry her pretty little head over it.”_ So, she trusted him that it was all a joke and that he didn’t mean what he said and ignored, and suppressed, the feeling in her gut that something wasn’t exactly right.

As it turned out, she should have trusted herself and not him.

He had mentioned wanting to try out the new French restaurant which had opened in town and that he had something important to discuss with her. Thankfully Bill and Jean had been more than happy to have the kids over for the night and as she was getting dressed, the children had come racing into her room and peppered her with questions about what she thought was going to happen that night and about him and when they could finally meet this mystery man that she was so excited about. Lex had helped her choose her outfit and Hannah and Tim had given her their stamp of approval.

Nothing she told them turned out to be true.

All it took was one beer for everything to unravel and leave her holding shreds of what she had imagined could be and had occasionally hoped for in her hands.

Mike had guzzled that beer faster than she thought humanly possible before slamming the glass on the table and demanding another. She should have left right then and there, but he had glared at her and told her to stay seated because they had a lot to talk about and then smiled the smile she was so used to seeing and acted as if nothing had happened.

While they had always ordered separately when they met up for coffee or a light snack, he had immediately placed orders for the both of them when the waiter came back carrying his second glass of beer. When she tried to correct him saying that she’d actually much prefer the boeuf bourguignon over the coq au vin, he had reached across the table to pat her hand before telling the waiter that she didn’t know what she was saying and that they’d both take what he ordered for them.

And then he started talking.

He started asking when she was planning on finding a real job because “being a children’s author couldn’t possibly be fulfilling” and that she was far too pretty to be spending her day in a room writing books for children when she could be somewhere else where she could be seen and interact with others.

She had started to explain that she loved her job and wouldn’t be changing professions because not only was she good at what she did and enjoyed what she was doing, she was also able to make a living from it, but he immediately cut her off. He had told her that he didn’t like it or approve and that she was going to need to find something else to do if she wanted things to go further.

While he finished his second glass of beer and started to scarf down the salad their waiter brought as an appetizer, she had sat there in silence, stunned by what had just happened. Whenever she talked about her job in the past, he had seemed slightly dismissive of it, but he had never said what he said about not approving what she did. Besides, why did she need his approval for anything? It was her life, her career she had built, he had nothing to do with it at all.

As she reflected on what he said, the comments made her simmer, but when he asked her what she thought of the salad, she forced a smile on her face and said that it was excellent. This was a friend of Bill’s friend’s husband, so while he was acting slightly strange, he couldn’t possibly actually think those things about her job or think that he could dictate her choices. Bill had an excellent judge of character – even if he consistently assumed the best in everyone – so she was sure that this was just a momentary lapse and that Mike was simply hungry and would be back to normal as dinner came. Besides, it was nothing compared to what her mother used to say and she had endured that for 18 years.

Going to take a third bite of salad – she actually was enjoying it – she was shocked when a hand reached out to take it and quickly moved it away from her before her fork could pick up anything.

“I think you’ve had quite enough. You don’t need that. Don’t want to eat too much, after all.” He patted her arm before taking the fork out of her hand and laying it on the table.

Emma bit back a retort and smiled what would have certainly been her customer service smile if she had ever decided to work in the service industry. Well, she had thought, at least it couldn’t get worse than it already was.

Yet, once again she was sadly wrong.

As he stuffed his face with her salad, he started talking about the children. However instead of asking her how they were doing or what sort of fun adventures they had gotten into recently, he started telling her all of the things that he thought she was doing wrong in raising them. How she needed to give Lex less freedom and stricter rules so she didn’t turn out to be a drunk, sad excuse of a woman like her biological mother. How Hannah was just _weird_ based on what Emma had shared and needed to see a psychiatrist so they could “fix her problems,” and how Tim needed to grow up and be a man and stop being such a baby.

The final nail in the coffin came when he questioned why she was wasting away her life taking care of other women’s children when she could be doing whatever she wanted and let them stay in the system which would take care of them while she would be free.

“They’re not yours and never will be, so why are you wasting your life caring for them?” He had sneered, his face twisting in disgust. “Besides, I know where children like that end up. If you ever want to come down to the jail, I’ll introduce you to them. They never end up being productive members of society so you should just stop while you’re ahead.”

That had been it. She could deal with someone disparaging her job, and she could deal with someone insulting her – goodness knows her mother had ridiculed her enough as a child when she was still alive – but the one thing she drew the line at was her children. Her amazing and brilliant and incredible children. No one could insult them without going through her first.

Deciding that she had enough of his sexist and misogynistic and vile comments and attitude, she picked up her purse and stormed past him, ready to leave all of this behind her and never see or interact with him again. However, she felt a hand close over her forearm, squeezing it tight.

Pushing down the panic she could feel welling in her chest, the tight tangle of knots twisting around and around as the room grew louder and louder, she tried to keep her voice steady. “Mike, let go of me.” Her body began to tremble as the hand squeezed even tighter and her own hand grew colder and numb as her blood circulation began to be cut off. “Please, Mike. You’re frightening me.” Her voice waivered. “Let go, you’re hurting me!”

Instead of letting go, he stood up, towering over her, a contemptuous smile playing on his face as glee shone in his eyes as if he enjoyed her terror and fear. “Do you promise to stop acting like a child and sit down and finish this meal like a good little girl?” He asked his voice lilting and menacing. “I’ll let go when you say you’ll behave. It’s no wonder your _children_ ,” he jeered, spitting out the word, “are the way they are if you act this way. All the more reason for you to return them to where they belong so you can grow up and act like a woman. And you’d be such a pretty woman too, if you just tried.”

“Don’t you dare say that about my kids.” Emma hissed, desperately trying to wrestle her arm free, “Let go of me Mike.”

“See, there you go again not listening.” He mocked her, “That’s your problem, Emma. You just don’t listen and never seem to learn.” He patted her head before using his thumb and index finger to tilt her head up so she was forced to look directly at him. “We’ll have to change that. But I can teach you how to listen and obey. Now, are you going to be a good girl and listen to me? I’ll let you go if you do.”

“I said, let go of me.” Emma shouted, spinning around to grab the glass of water he had ordered for her because he thought that she didn’t need the extra calories that came from a drink and threw it in his face.

“You bitch.” He roared, his recoiling back in surprise releasing her arm before springing forward and punching her in the face. He sighed and shook his head in disappointment as he rubbed his knuckles. “Look what you made me do to you. Will you never learn?”

Emma stared at him in horror as she raised one hand to gingerly touch her cheek which was beginning to burn. Taking a deep breath and straightening her shoulders, she turned and marched right out of the restaurant. She could feel the stares and looks of horror as the other guests at the restaurant watched her leave and she shook her head at the waiter who had come to try to help and escort her out. The manager had rushed over to try and intervene but was having no luck calming Mike down. Fighting back the tears that were beginning to cause her eyes to sting, she could feel her hands starting to tremble and every step she took felt as if she were being forced to run a marathon. Her cheek and arm burned from where he had punched and squeezed her, but she refused to dwell on what happened solely focused on escaping.

Ignoring the screaming behind her – “ _Come back you bitch. Emma, if you walk away from me now, I will never ever agree to meet with you again. I’m the best you’ll ever get with three good for nothing, washed up, never amounting to anything children and a job that’s not even a job. I’m the best you’ll ever manage to have!”_ – she hastily unlocked the car before flinging herself into the driver’s seat and fumbling for the lock.

Frantically turning on the ignition and throwing it into reverse, she watched as he threw off the manager who was desperately trying to hold him back and came closer and closer, still yelling and raving. Pulling out of the parking lot, her body jerking as she haphazardly switched from reverse to drive, she managed to escape before he could catch her.

Numb, she remembered absolutely nothing from the drive to Bill’s house. All she could think was that she needed to get away as quickly and as soon as possible and that she needed to see her children.

When she finally arrived at Bill’s the weight of everything that happen came crashing down on her.

Turning off the engine, Emma turned on the light to get a good look at herself in the rearview mirror. A bruise was blooming across her cheek, red and swollen, and she could feel it throbbing in time with her heartbeat, a constant pulse of pain radiating across her face. Tentatively raising her hand to touch her cheek, she winced as a sharp pain raced through her arm. Immediately pulling up her sleeve, she couldn’t help but inhale harshly when she saw the handprint that had been left where Mike had grabbed her and refused to let go. Quickly tugging down the sleeve as if to erase the consequences of his actions and her foolishness, she brought her legs up onto the seat and cradling her arm to her chest, she curled into a ball.

Lettin out a shuttering breath, her eyes fluttered closed as the adrenaline disappeared and left her shaking as she tried to come to terms with what Mike had done. And then dam that had successfully been holding back every emotion, every fear, every feeling, shattered into a million pieces. And with it, the tears started flowing – rolling down her face in large drops as they splattered onto the seat and left her pants a damp, soggy mess.

“Momma? Momma!”

Startled, Emma looked up to see Hannah, her little Hannah, dragging Lex towards the car. Bill was chasing after them as Jean stood on the front steps, Tim in her arms and Alice clutching her hand.

“See, I told you Lex. Momma was outside in the car. You didn’t believe me!” Hannah pouted, crossing her arms against her chest, a frown on her face as she glared at her sister.

Reaching up and knocking on the window, Hannah pressed her face against the glass trying to peer through and see what was going on. “Momma, why are you crying? Are you okay, Momma?”

Emma was never more grateful for tinted windows then in that moment. She didn’t want the girls to see what had happened; she didn’t want to scare or worry them. Hannah still had a lot of problems with nightmares as it was, and Emma didn’t want to be the cause of any of them.

Forcing a smile onto her face, Emma raised her hand so her cheek was blocked from view as she cracked open the window. “Oh, no. I’m just… I’m just happy to see you. I’m fine, sweet girl. Don’t worry.” She looked at Bill for a brief second before turning to Lex. “Lex, how about you take Hannah back inside and your Uncle Bill and I will be there soon. Okay?”

There was a moment of silence as something flickered through Lex’s eyes before she nodded once and crouching down in front of Hannah whispered something into her ear causing her to giggle and jump on Lex’s back. As she made her way to Jean who ushered them back inside the house, she turned back to look at Emma, her eyes glimmering in the dim light of the Woodward home before hurrying inside.

Once the girls were safely inside, Emma let her hand fall to her lap and with it the façade she had thrown up to protect the girls came tumbling down. Sinking back into the seat as if exhausted, she slowly rolled down the window so he could truly see her face.

“Emma,” Bill gasped as he got a better look at his friend, “What happened? Who did this to you? Did, did Mike…?” Shaking his head, he waited as Emma cautiously opened the door, constantly peering over her shoulder as if terrified that Mike would appear in the shadows. Bill gently herded her into the house, taking care not to touch her, but protectively hovering over her. “You’re going to be okay, Emma. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

_I’m sorry, I’m so sorry._

Bill and Jean had helped her hide what happened from the children. Although, she would sometimes catch Lex staring at her, as if she should see through the layers and layers of foundation and blush caked on her face to prevent them from noticing her black eye and bruised and swollen cheek and face. She also made sure to wear long sleeves to hide the finger shaped bruises wrapping around her arm like an unwanted tattoo or bracelet. 

Mikehad called her repeatedly after that until she had blocked his number from her phone. That started a repeated cycle of routinely blocking numbers as he switched to a new number every time he realized he had been blocked once more and trying to keep the Lex and Hannah from asking why she kept getting phone calls. When Bill finally convinced her to change her phone number, Mike changed his tactics as well and started showing up outside of her home. He had gotten her address from one of his friends who worked in the city hall and switched back and forth between screaming and jeering at her and begging her to just talk to him. He would promise that he had changed and would never do it again if she just agreed to come out and go out with him once more.

She had been terrified for their safety and after an incident at the grocery store, had decided enough was enough and filed a restraining order. Maybe this was her penance after everything she had done wrong, everything she wished she could do over, everything she wished she could change, but Lex, Hannah, and Tim deserved to be left out of it. _They_ had done nothing wrong and their eyes and the looks on their faces, frightened and worried, were images she would never be able to erase, so long as she was alive. Thankfully, they hadn’t been hurt. When Mike had confronted, no, perhaps the better word would be attacked, them at the grocery store, she had managed to place herself directly in front of her kids, telling them to run to the front of the store and stay by the service desk. She would never forget the look of rage and hatred that had been etched on Mike’s face and she would forever remember what it felt like being thrown to the ground, one hand raised in an attempt to protect herself while the other blindly felt around for something to defend herself with. She did want to imagine what would have happened if an employee hadn’t come running and pulled him off of her while another employee had ushered her to the front of the store where her kids were waiting. Well, she did occasionally imagine what could have happened in her nightmares.

While the restraining order helped, she hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that someone was constantly watching her and or the fact that she jumped at nearly every shadow or the sound of footsteps behind her. Bill had felt horrible about everything and had offered to escort her wherever they needed to go and had volunteered his friend to help as well. He had told her that she’d be safe with his friend and that he was a good guy who loved his wife and daughter and would make sure she’d be okay.

Emma had been touched by his offer but hadn’t wanted to impose any more than she already had, so she refused. She knew Bill still watched out for her by showing up after he was done with work and saying he, Jean, and Alice were in the area and asking if she wanted to run to the grocery store with him while Jean stayed with the kids. Or, if she’d prefer to stay at home, that if she gave them her grocery list, they could pick up what she needed while Alice played with Lex and Hannah. He also made sure to stop by whenever the kids had something going on at the school so they could escort her in and out of the building because the one time she had gone by herself, she could have sworn she saw Mike hovering by the entrance of the school. It caused her to panic so severely that Hannah had needed to run into the school to get help while Lex stayed with her as Emma cradled Tim to her chest, making sure Lex as hidden behind her, begging the specter to stay away and not to hurt her children.

After what was probably the longest months of her life, and that included that first year after she had moved back to Hatchetfield, Bill had informed her that Mike had finally been terminated from his position with the police force and had accepted a job out of state. Her long living nightmare was over. She could finally breathe without feeling as if each breath was stifled due to fear and anxiety of what he would do next or that he would target Lex, Hannah or Tim as a way to force her hand and extract his revenge. That incident, however, was exactly why Bill set up everything and handled all of the communication when he managed to actually convince her to go on one of his blind dates. She was adamant that they would never be put in a similar situation again.

\-----

“Momma?” Lex’s voice shook her free from the prison of the memories she tried so hard to forget. “Momma, are you okay?”

Emma opened her eyes to find Lex staring at her, worry painted across her face. “I’m fine, Lex. I…” she sighed. “I just remember why I don’t do this very often.” She reached up to tenderly cup Lex’s face with her hand, her thumb gently running over her cheek brushing away the stray tear that had, without a doubt been caused by Lex’s own unwanted trip down memory lane. “My heart, that’s not going to happen again. I won’t let it, I promise, Lex.”

“You can’t know that Momma.” Lex turned her face and angrily swiped at another wayward tear that had escaped.

Emma shook her head and tilted Lex’s face so she was once again looking at her, a soft smile on her face. “I will do anything to keep the three of you safe. You know that.”

“Besides, it’s just a single dinner to get your Uncle Bill off my back. And he promised that this person would be nothing like Mike.” She paused for a second before smirking, “Apparently, this guy’s his best friend, so I don’t know what that means, but, I figured I should dress in something nicer than a t-shirt and blue jeans.”

“So, a blouse and dark wash jeans instead?” Lex asked, her face a reflection of her mother’s as she quickly wiped away the last errant tear.

“You’ve got it.” Emma laughed, nudging Lex with her hip. “All right, what do you think?” She asked stepping back and turning in a circle.

“Hmm…” Lex stepped back and pretended to ponder the question, “enough to knock anyone off their feet, but not enough to cause Gary Goldstein, attorney at law, to come knocking on our door for damages.”

“Perfect.” Emma grinned, “exactly what I was looking for.”

Making her way down the hall towards the stairs, Emma peaked her head through Hannah’s door, “Hannah? Sweet girl, I’m leaving now. I should be home before you go to sleep, but in case I’m not,” she made her way over to where Hannah sat on her bed drawing and pressed a kiss to her forehead, “I love you, my Hannah Banana, forever and always.”

“I love you too, Momma, forever and always.” Hannah echoed. “You shouldn’t be scared, Momma. He’s good.” Hannah looked up from her drawing, her brown eyes twinkling, “Have fun with Uncle Bill’s friend. You should ask what he likes and doesn’t like.”

“I’ll be sure to ask.” Emma promised with a chuckle as she left, but before she had fully closed the door behind her, she heard Hannah call out, “Good night, Momma. Sweet dreams: I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Walking across the hall to Tim’s room, she knocked gently before pushing it open. “I’m leaving for my dinner now, Baby, but I’ll be home soon, I promise.”

Putting down the castle he had been working on building out of Legos, Tim hopped up and ran over to give her a hug. “I love you, Momma, forever and always.”

“Forever and always.” Emma brushed a quick kiss against his crown. “Be good for Lex, okay?”

“Okay, Momma.”

Smiling, Emma let him return to his building, making sure she left the door cracked open slightly.

Catching Lex’s eyes from where she stood with her arms crossed in the middle of the hallway, Emma hurried down the hallway and popped into her office to grab her black cardigan from where it lay on the loveseat. Making her way the stairs, she explained, “Okay, I’ll be home by 9, if not earlier. You know the drill: Dinner’s in the oven, there’s a list of emergency phone number on the fridge – call me first and then call Uncle Bill if anything happens. There are cookies in the freezer that you can just pop in the oven after you pull dinner out, but don’t let Tim eat too many of them.”

“I know, Mom. We’ll be fine, I promise.” Lex followed after her.

Emma paused for a second at the penultimate step to turn and look back up at her daughter. “And it is technically the weekend, but please don’t let Hannah and Tim stay up too late. I should be back before they go to sleep though. Oh,” She grabbed the purse hanging from the bannister, “And, if Ethan comes over, just stay downstairs, okay?”

“Yes, Mom.” Lex agreed as she rolled her eyes, before pausing for a second and then tentatively continuing. “Momma, are you going to tell him about us?”

“Well, that’s more of a third date, second bottle of wine thing to tell,” Emma joked, winking at Lex and making her laugh at the reference to one of Hannah’s favorite movies before stepping up and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “You three are my pride and joy. How could someone even begin to know me, without knowing about you?” Raising a hand to touch her locket, she explained, “It would be like leaving my heart behind. Besides, this is Uncle Bill’s friend. For all we know, he’s already told him all about you three. So, he knows exactly what artwork Hannah’s created, the animals Tim has been interested in, and the musicals and plays you’ve been in.”

Pausing, she cupped her daughter’s cheek and smiled, “I love you, Lex, forever and always.”

“Forever and always,” Lex echoed before making a face, “Okay, enough of this sappiness. You’ve got a dinner, or date depending on how you define it, and you’re going to be late if you don’t leave now. Have fun, Mom.”

“I’ll try. Call me if you need me?” Emma asked, slipping on her flats.

“We will,” Lex agreed as she pushed her mother towards the door in an attempt to get her to move even faster, “now, stop stalling!”

Laughing, Emma kissed her forehead once more and with a little wave made her way to the car. As she pulled away, she waved once more as she saw Hannah and Tim had joined Lex standing on the porch. How could anyone ever have ever hated her children? Hated them before even meeting them. They were the best parts of who she was. They were her heart and anyone she met would simply have to understand that.

* * *

Emma hesitated, her hand trembling ever so slightly as she stood in front of the new pizzeria that had just moved into town. Normally, she wasn’t so shaken when meeting the people Bill desperately wanted her to meet, but normally, she didn’t fall into the black hole of her memories right before a dinner. She didn’t know why she was so on edge all of a sudden. Everything had happened years ago and she thought that time had given her the ability to put Mike and the ensuing events behind her, but perhaps not. It didn’t help that the pizzeria had moved into a building across the street from the French restaurant. She had never been able to return, and quite truthfully, had no interest in ever revisiting it.

“God damn it, Bill.” She muttered, hugging her cardigan close with one hand as she tentatively reached out to push open the door and faltered every time.

“Come on, Emma. You can do this. One dinner. That’s it.”

Lifting her hand to her chest, she could feel the cool gold through the thin satin. _For Lex and Hannah and Tim. To show that sometimes you have to be brave and face your fears, even when you’d rather not._ She thought closing her eyes for a second and imagining their smiles and the warmth of their hugs. _For my children._

Nodding and taking a deep breath, she pushed open the glass door and found herself bathed in warm golden light, the scent of yeasty dough, tomatoes, and cheese engulfing and surrounding her.

“Reservation under Bill Woodward, please.” She smiled at the hostess who looked up from her phone when Emma approached the podium and appeared as if she would rather be anywhere than at work.

“Right this way, Ma’am.” She said, tossing her phone into her pocket. “The other party arrived 15 minutes ago.”

Following her, Emma’s eyes drifted around the restaurant. For a Friday night, it wasn’t particularly busy – a few couples scattered here and there throughout the dining room and a family or two eating dinner with their kids. She was grateful for that at least. If this ended poorly, at least there were fewer people to see the ensuing spectacle.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a man dressed in a suit and tie stand up as they approached the table. Pausing for a second, she stared at him trying to figure out if her eyes were playing tricks on her. It couldn’t be, could it?

“Emma?” The man asked as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“Paul.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up with an idea for Emma’s book was interesting. I toyed with quite a few ideas before landing on that one since I wanted it to be about grief and loss and moving on, but not necessarily so blatant as that. Can you tell who’s who? 
> 
> Mike in an awful person and I wanted to throw something at my computer multiple times while writing this. If you ever find yourself in a position like that, please reach out to people you trust for help. Help can also be found here: https://www.thehotline.org No matter what anyone tells you, you are worthy and deserve so much better. What Emma thinks is this chapter about what happened to her derives both from her own childhood and feelings of guilt about Jane’s death. If you are in a situation like this, it is not your fault and never was and never will be. NO ONE ever deserves something like that to happen to them. 
> 
> Well, they met. These two, my goodness. I promise they will actually talk next chapter.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this. I hope you enjoyed this chapter; stay safe and healthy!


	5. When the Right One Comes Along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A blind date gone wrong - or right - and two rather nosy teenagers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: References death and allusions to depression.

“You carry the past with you. Even if there's a before, and an after, in your life. It's still the same life. The trick is to build a bridge between that and what comes later.”   
― **Jennifer Finney Boylan, _Long Black Veil_**

* * *

August 24, 2018

“Paul.” Emma laughed incredulously, not believing her eyes, “I can’t believe…” She paused for a moment, trying to figure out if this was actually reality or some mirage her brain had concocted after everything she been forced to remember that afternoon, “You know… You’re Bill’s friend?”

“Yeah.” Paul nodded in response, “I sit in the cubicle right next to his; I’ve worked with him for years. Oh,” his eyes grew large and he stumbled forward to pull out her chair. “Please, sit.”

“Thank you.” A genuine smile crossed her face as she sat down, her eyes following him as he sat down and opened up his menu, holding it with his left hand, to peruse the options. As he did, his right hand moved to play with the gold ring around his ring finger before seemingly deciding against it and settling on his tie instead.

 _Bill, what have you done this time?_ Emma couldn’t help thinking. Well, at least Paul hadn’t snapped at her at Beanies that day. That had to mean something, right?

“So, this is nice.” She began, trying to get him to look up at her, “We’re both sitting by our own choices and not because of some jerk in far too much of a hurry to drink his venti caramel frappe with 10 pumps of hazelnut, three shots of expresso, no caramel drizzle with whip on top knocked us down.”

“Yeah.” Paul agreed with her, his eyes flicking up briefly before immediately returning to his menu.

“And it’s the start of the weekend, so hopefully people are happier now and not as impatient to get somewhere.” She continued still trying to get him to respond.

“Mmm-hmm…”

Sighing softly to herself, Emma wanted to say something else but found herself lost for words and tongue-tied at the one-sided conversation. A bit ironic, in her opinion, given her profession and her tendency to ramble while when in awkward situations or stressed. But she just couldn’t find the words she wanted to say. When she had arrived, she wasn’t sure what to expect. But now that she was here, she wanted to do this right, to at least try. Yet not knowing what to say, she settled for flipping through the pages, noticing that when she looked up every so often, she found herself making make awkward eye contact with Paul who continued fidgeting with his tie, before grinning sheepishly and looking back down at her menu. While she was used to awkward silence, raising three children would have been far too difficult if she wasn’t, particularly when they had done something she explicitly told them not to and she called them on it, she eventually decided enough was enough. Bill claimed Paul was his best friend and while Emma knew Bill liked to talk, he was also a good listener, so Paul had to talk eventually, right? At Beanies he had at least been able to introduce himself.

Taking a deep breath and hoping she wasn’t making a huge mistake, Emma closed her menu with a sharp slap of metal corner hitting metal corner and laid it on the table with a much quieter thunk. “So, tell me a little bit about yourself. I know you like black coffee, but what else?” She asked one hand under her chin as she stared at him.

“I…” Paul stuttered trying to gather his thoughts, “I… Well, I work in the finance department of CCRP Technical – that’s how I know Bill, which of course you know because I told you that already,” He muttered the second part under his breath, “and I don’t like musicals, but Lily loves them so I’m really glad that this restaurant is playing Gustav Holst’s Jupiter although he’s British and this is an Italian restaurant, so that is a little weird, instead of something like ABBA.” He visibly relaxed having introduced himself.

Emma nodded, her eyes growing wide as she processed everything he had said. He had to be the most anxious and nervous person Bill had ever tried to have her meet. But she had heard a name, so latching on to that, she asked, “Lily? Who’s that?”

“Oh,” Paul glanced down at his hands for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts as he weighed his options. He knew that Lily would inevitably be mentioned – how could he not mention his daughter, his whole world? – but he hadn’t thought he would mention her within the first few things he said. He was so used to only talking to people who knew about Lily that talking about her was simply second nature. Spinning his ring around and around, the feeling of the warm gold against his fingers soothing his anxiety, he made his decision. Looking back up at Emma, he asked. “Can I be honest with you, Emma?” 

“I’d much prefer that you were.”

“I… Oh, are you ready to order?” Paul asked, suddenly changing the topic as their waiter, a young teenager who stood nervously to the side appeared, notebook in hand, ready to take their order.

Picking up her menu once more, Emma nodded. “I normally go for something different, but I’ve been told that the rosemary chicken and mushroom pizza is excellent, so I’ll try that.” She handed the menu to the waiter with a smile. “Thank you.”

“I’ll do the classic margherita, thank you.” Paul requested, passing his menu over to the waiter before picking up his glass and swirling the water around causing the ice cubes to softly knock against each other. 

After a few moments, Paul’s question still echoing in her mind, Emma gently prompted him, “So, you were saying?”

“Oh…” Paul sighed, placing his cup down before looking up at her, his hand reaching up to adjust his tie once more. It was strange, he had been trying to find her and now that she was sitting across from him, real and breathing and not a figment of his imagination, he had no idea what to say. “Right.” He nodded. He could do this. He owed her his honesty at the very least.

“To be honest with you, Emma, I’m, I’m not looking for any sort of relationship right now and I don’t want to mislead you because you seem like a really nice person. Bill just really wanted me to meet you. He seems to think we might have some things in common.” He shrugged. “But Lily,” He smiled, imagining what his daughter and Alice must be up to right now, “Lily is my daughter. She’s 6 and a spitfire and,” he paused, “my whole world. My wife, Lily’s mother, passed away two and a half years ago, and I, I’m really not interested in being in any sort of relationship right now.” He met her eyes which he couldn’t help but note were the warmest brown eyes – almost the color of gingerbread – that he had ever seen. “And I understand if you want to leave, that probably wasn’t what you thought you would be hearing tonight. It was nice seeing you again.”

Emma couldn’t help the slight laugh that escaped as she felt some of the tension she had felt fade away. She needed to remember that Bill was far more sly than she ever gave him credit for. At the look on Paul’s face, she began to explain. “I think you and I have both been played by our friend, Bill.” She laughed again, raising her hand to touch her locket. “You see, I have three kids.” She nodded at his unasked question. “Three. Three kids. My eldest is a senior in high school, and then I have an 8th grader and a 4th grader.” 

Emma watched as he stared at her, the confusion evident on his face as he tried, and failed, to figure out how she could already have a child in 12th grade. While she took a sip of water, the confusion grew even more, as did the redness in his face as he, no doubt, wrestled with the idea of being rude and asking her how that was possible, before she decided to put him out of his misery.

“They’re adopted. My nieces and nephew, but they’re mine and they have been, for a long time.” She ran her finger over the rim of her cup, noting that none of her lipstick had transferred to the glass. “So, I understand what Bill meant. But, here’s an idea: how about we start over? I’m not really interested in anything either and now that we both know that, we can try again and maybe things might be a bit easier without any preconceived expectations?”

She held out her hand with a smile. “It’s nice to actually meet you, Paul. I’m Emma.”

Shaking her hand with a hand far less shaky than the one Emma remembered from their first meeting in Beanies, Paul returned her smile. “I wish I could say the pleasure was all mine, Emma, but I guess we owe Bill a thank you.”

“So, ah… thank you,” he said turning to thank the waiter who brought out each of their pizzas before focusing his attention on Emma once more. “What do you do? You obviously have a great memory for orders since you still remember mine and that guy who was in such a hurry that day at Beanies.”

“Well, nothing as interesting as working in the finance department of a company, that’s for sure.” Her voice was light and teasing as she glanced at the fork and knife before picking up a slice with her hands. “And I don’t think working with my daughter’s old theater friends would be a great idea either. I’m sure someone would make a comment about nepotism or something like that if I did that.” She laughed and for a second everything in the restaurant seemed brighter and Paul could breathe than he had for a long time. “No, I’m a children’s book author.”

“Children’s books?”

Emma finished chewing her bite of pizza, before laying the slice down on her plate, “I didn’t plan on being an author,” she elucidated. “It kind of just fell into my lap. I went to college with plans for a botany major. My parents, well, that’s a whole different story we don’t have time for,” she waved her hand as if to dismiss the idea entirely, “but, I was there for a semester and decided that college wasn’t for me. So, I hopped on a plane for Guatemala and um,” she paused for a second as if to gather her thoughts, “backpacked around Central America for a while until I got the phone call saying my sister and her husband had died leaving me as guardian to their infant son, Tim, and two daughters, Lex and Hannah, who they had just adopted.”

She shrugged, taking another bite of pizza and letting Paul stew over what she had just told him as she chewed. “Having a career was always my sister’s idea. She was studying to be a psychiatrist, you know. I had one semester of school under my belt and three kids under the age of ten to take care of. I didn’t have the time or energy to go back to school and there was no way I could have balanced all of that.”

“Hannah crawled up next to me while I was reading to Tim and asked me for an original story one night.” Her gaze landed on one of the families which had been seated at a table in the corner of the restaurant where a young girl sat reading a book while waiting for her meal and Paul watched a soft smile wash over her face as Emma remembered what had happened.

“So I told them a modified version of one of my adventures in Guatemala and gave myself the ability to talk to animals and a cute sidekick in the form of a kudamundi.” Emma laughed, her eyes clouded over ever so slightly as could see Hannah giggling over her misadventures and begging her to tell them more. “Hannah loved the story, and I think Tim did too, although he was so little back then. When they went to bed that night, I took the story I told them, typed it up and sent it off to a few publishers, and” she gestured with her hand, “you know how it ends.”

“A kudamundi?”

“It’s a little racoon thing. They get into shit and people hate them,” she shrugged, “but they’re all over Central America and if you don’t have food that they’re trying to steal, they can be kind of cute. Plus, what kid doesn’t love an adorable animal sidekick? There’s a reason every Disney princess has one or two or five.” She winked at him before laughing. “But, you said your daughter’s six, right?”

Paul nodded as he polished off the slice of pizza he had been working on. Thankfully she had asked him a question midbite because he wasn’t sure he would have been able to respond at all. Besides, honestly it was surprisingly good pizza. He’d have to make a mental note to order from here the next time he burned dinner.

“Hmm…” Emma paused for a second, thinking and taking a sip of her water, “I don’t know her reading level, but those books are probably too old for her right now. When I originally told Hannah and Tim the story, she was seven and Tim was three, but when I sat down to write, it ballooned and ended up being pages and pages for one story. So, what could have been a picture book ended up a chapter book, which ended up a series of books.”

“The perils of being an author?” Paul suggested. “We don’t write like you do, but when Bill and I have written reports to submit, I have to go through his sections in order to make them shorter. Although I’d rather do that than work with Ted and make his report longer.” 

“Ted… he’s the grouchy one who likes to complain, right?”

“That’s Ted in a nutshell.” Paul confirmed, “Have you met him before?”

“No, but Bill used to tell me that in no uncertain terms was I allowed to leave Alice with him because he didn’t want her to pick up ‘his language’.” Emma attempted to mimic Bill’s voice causing Paul to laugh and Emma’s breath to catch slightly as she saw his eyes light up for just one second before the light dimmed and faded once more.

“That sounds like Bill.” Paul agreed before taking a sip of water to catch his breath. “In all honesty, I’m not sure I’d want Lily to spend all that much unsupervised time with Ted either. She’s already sassy enough and any time with Ted will only cause it to increase exponentially.”

“Just wait until she’s a teen, then you’ll really have fun.” Emma grinned, thinking about her own children as her fingers rose to her locket.

“Oh God,” Paul sighed, sinking his head into his hands. “She’s going to be a menace as a teen. I already know it.” He chuckled, “She essentially kicked me out of the apartment today because, and I quote, “Alice is more fun,” than me.”

Emma couldn’t help but laugh, “She’s got you wrapped around her finger, doesn’t she?”

Paul looked up at her, the love he had for his daughter so evident in his eyes as amusement shone through. “From the second she was even a possibility.” He paused for a second, spinning his wedding band around his finger, “Kat wanted a boy since all of her cousins were boys, but I wanted a little girl. We were so happy when we found out about Lily.” The smile dropped from his face as he thought about Kat and he looked away.

Watching him subtly try to wipe away the tears that had appeared, Emma’s heart ached. She still missed Jane and always would, but it had almost been eight years since her sister had died and while it would always be a spot that was tender, time had given it the opportunity to scar over and heal, while Paul’s loss was obviously still fresh. She wanted to help, to make him smile again, but she wasn’t sure what she could say. She hardly knew him, after all.

“Well, she’s lucky to have you.” She finally said, hoping it would bring him some comfort.

Looking back at Emma, Paul nodded. “I’m lucky to have her. After Kat died, I don’t know what I would have done without Lily. There were days when,” He paused. He wasn’t sure why he was going to tell almost a complete stranger this but for some reason, he felt like he could. And there was a voice in the back of his mind that questioned if she truly was a complete stranger. Sighing, he continued, “There were days when all I wanted to do was stay still and let the world pass me by. I didn’t see a point in continuing without Kat and then I’d look down and see Lily sleeping next to me or hear her calling out to me from her bedroom and I’d be reminded that I had someone who needed me, and I needed her. She was all I had left.”

Emma understood. There were days during those early years when she would look at Tim and all she could see was Jane or she would be talking to Lex and hear her say something that reminded her so much of her sister. She understood, but what could she say? It was strange. She could write books for millions of strangers, talk to them on those tours that John forced her to go on, and yet, here she was lost for words. She wanted, no, needed, for reasons she didn’t understand, to get this right. Paul had been hurt and was still hurting and all she wanted to do was help him heal.

Yet before she could figure out exactly what to say, Paul asked as his voice grew thoughtful, “You’re Emma Perkins, aren’t you?”

Although slightly confused by the non sequitur and wondering how he figured out her last name, Emma answered, “Uh, yes, but why?”

Paul’s mind flashed to the book that Lily had been reading before he left and the well-loved and worn book that sat next to the rocker which had been written by the same author.

“Years ago, Bill gave Kat and I a book called _The Christmas Checklist_ as a Christmas present for Lily. He said he was friends with the author and had her sign it.” He explained watching Emma’s reaction carefully. “Kat used to read it to Lily every night in December. She loved that book and Lily still loves it. When she was alive, she used to plan all of our holiday activities around what you described in your book.” A bittersweet smile crossed his face as he spun his ring once, twice, and a third time. “I can’t do everything we used to do by myself, but we do try. It’s helped as a way to try and keep Kat alive in Lily’s memories.”

As Emma thought about what Paul shared, she couldn’t help but think that perhaps she had already helped in ways she hadn’t even imagined.

“I’m glad to hear that it’s been helpful.” she paused for a second, thinking back to when that would have been, “I think remember Bill asking if I could sign that copy for him. Lily must have been so little then.” Briefly touching her locket, she continued, “I wrote that book as a Christmas present for Lex, Hannah and Tim after a,” her fingers brushed her cheek as she shuddered slightly, “a difficult year. It was my promise to them that no matter what, no matter how old, how far away they might go, whatever might happen, that we were a family and that we would forever be a family.” 

“I’m sure that they appreciated it.”

“Well, I think Lex – my eldest – thought it was a bit silly, but my other two seemed to like it.” At Paul’s silence and the pensive look on his face, Emma could tell that Paul was once again falling into his memories. Wanting to try and draw him out from whatever he was being forced to remember, Hannah’s advice about asking what he liked and didn’t like came to mind as did his offhand comment about musicals.

Pushing her dish off to the side – Lex had been right about the rosemary chicken and mushroom pizza – she decided to change the topic, hoping it would make him feel more comfortable. “So, why don’t you like musicals?”

“Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable” He explained with a shrug and a sheepish smile on his face.

“So why were you at the singing coffee shop?” Emma couldn’t help but ask. “You know, there’s a Starbucks down the street and if it’s black coffee you’re after, their black coffee is a lot better than what Beanies serves.” She laughed for a few seconds before noticing that his face had fallen once more. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She apologized, realizing that she may have inadvertently prodded the tender spot once more. “You don’t have to answer that question if you don’t want to.”

Paul hesitated for a second before shaking his head, “No, no. I, I can answer.” Sighing, he fiddled with his ring gathering his thoughts before continuing, “My wife had a sweet tooth and really loved their iced caramel frappes. Whenever we were in downtown, it was the first place she wanted to go. So, sometimes when I go, it’s almost as if she’s standing right next to me and it makes that god-awful coffee worth it.” He tapped his fingers against the table in quick succession before adding, “You probably think that’s silly.”

“No,” Emma shook her head, “I understand. My sister loved tiramisu, so sometimes when I miss her, I make one and it’s like she’s here again. It’s funny how food can bring back memories, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…”

They lapsed into silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

“But, sometimes time is the best healer – as cliché as that sounds.” Emma said laying her hand gently on his, “and maybe one day, you’ll be able to take your daughter to Beanies and order an iced caramel frappe in honor of your wife.”

Touched by the empathy in her eyes, Paul was about to respond when a nervous voice cut in, “I’m sorry, sir, ma’am, but the kitchen is closing soon. Is there anything else you needed?”

Looking up, Paul was shocked by the fact that he and Emma were the only ones still in the restaurant. Sneaking a quick peek at his phone, he was stunned to see that it was already 10:15. Where had all the time gone? It couldn’t possibly have passed so quickly. It felt as if he had just watched Emma approach the table, not believing that it was her.

“Oh,” Paul turned to Emma, “Was there anything else you wanted?”

“No,” Emma shook her head, “I’m good. Thank you.”

“I think we’re okay.” Paul answered the waiter, “If you wouldn’t mind bringing out the check?”

“I’ll be right back with it, sir.”

Emma turned to pull out her wallet, and was in the process of getting out her credit card when she was stopped by Paul. Shaking his head, a mischievous smile appeared on his face. “Bill offered to pay for dinner when he was convincing me to agree to come, so I’ll just pay and give him the receipt.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” Paul confirmed.

“Well then, thank you.” Emma dipped her head as she put her wallet away. She hesitated for a second before pulling her phone out of her purse. Yes, she could do this. Bill had promised Paul was good and seeing his devotion to his daughter, he couldn’t possibly be anything like Mike. Besides, all she was going to offer was her friendship. That was safe and no one would get hurt. It wasn’t like he was looking for anything more. He wasn’t even looking for anything in the first place, if she knew anything based on their conversation tonight.

“It was really nice to actually meet you, Paul, and I…” Emma’s voice faltered for a second, “I don’t do this often, but,” she sighed, hoping she wasn’t setting herself up for disappointment, “but would you like to exchange numbers? I know you said you’re not looking for a relationship and neither am I, but I’ve raised two six year olds, so in case you ever need any pointers or tips or just want to rant?”

At his silence, she could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks and immediately backtracked. “Of course you don’t have to, and you know that’s actually probably not a good idea, you have Bill and I’m sure you have lots of other friends who have kids. You don’t need almost a complete stranger’s advice about how to raise your daughter.”

“No, no, I’d love to.” Paul reassured her, a strange look on his face as if he were trying to place something, soothing the anxiety that had begun to well up in her stomach.

“Oh, really?” Emma asked. “Alright well, if you pass me your phone, I’ll put in my cell phone number. And, if you’d like to do the same,” she slid her phone over to him, “here’s mine.” 

\-----

Paul quietly unlocked the front door, taking care not to rattle his keys or step on the squeaky floorboard outside his apartment. Setting his key and wallet on the table, he softly asked, “How was she?”

Alice, who had looked up from her homework when she heard him enter, muted the TV that was playing in the background. “Like an angel,” she reassured him. “A very energetic enthusiastic angel, but an angel. She fell asleep around 8 claiming she wanted to be up bright and early to go to the park tomorrow.”

Paul chuckled quietly. He had a feeling he’d be waking up to a very hyper Lily all set to explore the park tomorrow. “She was so excited that you were coming. Thank you for watching her, Alice. I know you had better things to be doing than babysitting on a Friday night.”

“It’s fine.” Alice waved her hand before starting to pack up her books, “Deb already had plans for tonight and I’d visit Lex, but she was babysitting her own siblings tonight. I guess I could have brought Lily with me, but, well,” A look crossing her face, one that Paul instantly recognized as the same look Bill always had when he tried to tease Paul about something. “I figured those were introductions you’d want to do yourself and on your own timing.”

“Right,” Paul nodded, ignoring what she was insinuating, “You know Emma.”

“I do,” Alice confirmed with a smile. “So, how was dinner, Uncle Paul?”

“It was…” Paul trailed off trying to find the right words, “It wasn’t what I expected.”

“And what were you expecting?” Alice gently prodded.

“I don’t know,” Paul shrugged, “But, not that. She was understanding and when Kat came up, she didn’t look at me with that cloying sympathy that everyone always seems to have when I talk about Kat. She seemed to understand and empathize. It was,” He paused for a second, “it was a nice change.” He sighed, slipping off his tie, “It was a nice change.”

“I’m glad it went well,” Alice stood up, grabbing her backpack with one hand and giving Paul a quick hug. “I wasn’t sure how things would go when Dad mentioned that he wanted the two of you to meet. Aunt Emma can hold her own against anyone, but, well…” she hesitated for a second as if remembering something, “I’m glad it went well. You deserve to be happy one day, Uncle Paul. What happened to Aunt Kat wasn’t your fault.”

“Good night, Alice.” Paul wished her, returning the hug.

“Good night Uncle Paul.” Alice opened the door before turning around, a teasing glint in her eyes that reminded him so much of Bill when he had an idea that Paul knew was going to cause problems, but that he was going to get wrangled into anyways, “I’m sure Dad is going to want a full debrief of your dinner, so expect a call from him tomorrow.”

“I will. Let me know when you get home, okay?”

“Okay. Oh, and Uncle Paul, Dad told me to ask Lily what she wanted to be for Halloween, and I quote, ‘Rapunzel, no Cinderella, no Belle. Wait, no Cinderella’s fairy godmother because she has all the power!’” Alice laughed as Paul’s eyes widened, before waving and closing the door behind her.

Locking the door, Paul made his way to the rocker. Sinking into the chair, Paul’s eyes caught Kat’s gaze, a tender smile appearing on his face before dissolving into the grief he tried so hard to fight back every day. “I miss you, Kat. I know it’s almost been 3 years, but I miss you every day. You’d like Emma though. I think the two of you would have gotten along.” He picked up the book from the basket which sat next to the rocker, ready to be read at any minute when Lily crawled into his lap and begged for a story. “She wrote your favorite book; did you know that? Of course, you know that now, but I think if you were here, you’d be so excited that we’d have to make sure your mouth was covered or else we’d end up with a very cranky Lily on our hands.” He chuckled, imagining the scene and wishing that it could have happened. “Oh Kat… what do you want me to do?”

Noticing a stray pillow on the ground, Lily must have convinced Alice to sit on the ground while watching whatever Disney movie she had decided on tonight – probably _Beauty and the Beast_ or perhaps _Coco_ – he stood to pick it up. As he did, his phone fell out of his pocket clattering to the ground.

Straightening the pillow, he scooped up the phone as his eyes flickered up to Kat’s. “Okay,” he murmured, opening it up and pulling up Emma’s contact as the scent of gingerbread swept over him and embraced him. “Okay.”

\-----

Emma swallowed the yawn that was trying to escape as she walked through her front door. Smiling at the primroses contentedly swaying in the wind, she locked it behind her. Stretching, she snuck a peek at the clock hanging by the TV – 11 PM, its arms were happy to tell her. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been out for so long. Normally, she was out and back in under two hours, but this time, she and Paul had sat talking at that restaurant for over three and a half hours. Where had all the time gone?

Shaking her head and ignoring the thought that she was getting far too old to be out so late, Emma made her way to the bookcase where all of the children’s books were stored. Fingers skimming the spines, her eyes traced the titles until she found the one she was looking for. Pulling it out, and flipping to the dedication, Emma ran her fingers over the words, a tender smile dancing on her face. 

“Well, you’re back later than expected.”

Emma startled for a second before looking up to see Lex standing on the staircase, her hands on her hips as if she were mimicking her mother all the while trying to hide her grin.

Moving to sit on the couch, Emma quietly laughed before asking, “Was everything okay tonight? Are Hannah and Tim already asleep?”

“Everything was fine, Mom.” Lex answered as she made her way down the stairs to sit on the couch next to her mother. “Tim was asleep by 9 and Hannah was in bed by 10. Ethan did stop by but left about 15 minutes ago. He wanted to say hi, but you got home a lot later than we thought you would.” She looked like she was about to ask where her mother had been when she realized what Emma was holding. “Oh, I haven’t seen that book in a while.” Lex said taking the picture book in her hands and softly flipping through it, a smile crossing her face as she looked at each of the illustrations. “I remember the Christmas you gave this to us.”

“You thought it was lame.” Emma teased, gently nudging her side.

“In my defense, I was 13 and,” Lex rolled her eyes, fighting back her smile, “it was kind of cheesy, Mom.”

“That’s fair.” Emma shrugged as she peered over at the pages, “It was a bit more suitable for Hannah and Tim. I just wanted to…”

“I know, Momma.” Lex cut in, laying her hand on Emma’s arm. “I know.”

Sighing, Emma reached up to tuck Lex’s hair behind her ear. “My brave girl.” 

“So, how was it?” Lex asked before her mother could continue, not wanting her to fall back into the old habit of blaming herself and deciding that a change in the conversation was needed.

“It was…” Emma hesitated, “it was different.”

“A good different or a bad different?”

“Just, different.” Emma looked away, her eyes landing on one of the photos on the wall before returning her attention to her daughter. “It wasn’t what I expected,” She explained, “he lost his wife a few years ago and you can see how much he misses her. He has a little girl and,” she paused once more, tucking the lock of hair that had escaped once again behind her daughter’s ear and running a thumb over her cheek, “I think he could use a friend.” 

Lex nodded, “Well, it’s good that he has you now. If he was only getting advice from Uncle Bill, that poor little girl would grow up extremely sheltered. Alice was telling me how Uncle Bill was upset that Aunt Jean took her to see _Hamilton_ and didn’t try to tell her to close her eyes during _Say No to This_. _”_

“I think he’s trying to get them tickets for _Mamma Mia_ ,” Emma confided, mischief in her eyes, causing Lex to stifle her laugh in order to not wake up her siblings.

“Poor Alice.”

“Poor Alice, indeed.” Emma agreed. “Would you like to go with them? I’m sure Alice and Deb would love having someone there to help run interference.”

Lex looked as if she was going to say something in response when Emma’s phone chimed alerting her of a new text message.

Emma was going to ignore it when Lex asked with a teasing grin as if she had an idea of who it was from, “Aren’t you going to answer that, Mom?”

Shaking her head as she rolled her eyes, but knowing that her daughter would never give it up, Emma unlocked her phone. Seeing the text from Paul, she debated for a moment whether or not she should respond or put it away and continue her conversation with her daughter.

However, Lex made it easy for her.

“I’ll leave you to your conversation. Don’t stay up too late, Momma.” Lex threw her arms around her shoulders, squeezing them for a second before standing up, “For what it’s worth, I did think it was sweet. We’d never had something like that from Pamela before. And there was never someone willing to…” A bittersweet smile crossed Lex’s face and Emma could read the emotions in her daughter’s eyes and what she wasn’t saying.

“I love you, Lex. Forever and always.” Emma grabbed her daughter’s hand, holding it tight, “You’ll always be my little girl.”

“I know. Goodnight, Momma. Forever and always, I love you.”

Quickly sending a response to Paul, Emma watched as Lex made her way up the stairs. In the shadows, her mind crafted the image of a young girl who would come down those very stairs every night and sit with her, sometimes not saying a word, as Emma wrestled with her guilt, fear, and feelings of inadequacy. Those words pouring out page after page in the forms of letters or stories. Or, she would sit there staring at the blank screen of her computer until she closed it, calling it a night. On those nights, Lex would sit there talking about anything or everything in an attempt to help distract her mother’s mind. Her brave girl.

Hearing the door click as Lex shut her bedroom door, Emma’s hand rose to touch her cheek before resting on her locket as her eyes jumped from the pictures of Lex’s first musical debut, Hannah’s first art contest, and Tim’s first soccer game. As her eyes landed on the picture from Christmas 2013, Emma closed her eyes for a second and then sighed, releasing the breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding.

Looking down at the book in her hands, _A Christmas Checklist_ , she flipped back to the dedication.

_To my children, my heart. You inspire me every day by your courage, your strength and your optimism. I will love you, forever and always. From the moment you stepped into my life until you are old and gray and no longer remember how much I loved you. And though I may not be there to tell you in person, we will meet again in these words and pages and you will be reminded that my love for you will never fade._

_Forever and always,_

_Momma_

Flipping to the last page, she smiled at the image of a family standing in the doorway of their beautifully decorated house welcoming their loved ones home for the holiday. Xander had truly done an amazing job with his illustrations. 

_Because no matter where you, no matter how far away you are, no matter what you do, you will always have a home with us. And we will stand, with arms wide open, welcoming you home for the holidays._

Emma brushed her fingers over the lines, Hannah’s giggles echoing in her mind as she saw Tim’s smile and the embarrassed but touched grin on Lex’s face after she had finished reading the book to them that Christmas. Lost in her memories, the chime of her phone pulled her back to the present. Opening it, she couldn’t help but smile at Paul’s response. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they actually talked and had a real conversation, oh thank heavens. 
> 
> Also, I just have to say, I absolutely adore Emma and Lex's relationship; they're just fun to write. 
> 
> There's a time skip coming next chapter, so it'll be interesting to see where things are. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this. I hope you enjoyed this chapter; stay safe and healthy!


	6. Heart of a Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Lily gets sick and Paul has a major presentation, who does he turn to but Emma? Of course, he wasn't expecting dinner to be part of the plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: slight panic attack, physical and emotional abuse
> 
> Note: We are starting into the chapters where paying attention to the dates will be very helpful since there are some time skips in these next few chapters.

“The past was always there, lived inside of you, and it helped to make you who you were. But it had to be placed in perspective. The past could not dominate the future.”   
― **Barbara Taylor Bradford, _Unexpected Blessings_ **

* * *

October 3, 2018

 _Are you sure you’re free?_ Paul’s voice echoed throughout Emma’s office, _I don’t want to intrude. I can see if Bill or Ted can help with the presentation and if they can, I can always leave early._

“It’s fine, Paul. Really, it’s fine.” Emma reassured him as she glanced through some of the most recent edits John had sent her. Thankfully they were completely done the final book in her adventure series, but now they were working on the apocalypse horror-comedy series; the work of a writer truly was never done. “I’m just working on edits and I was going to be home all day anyway.” She frowned at one of the suggestions trying to understand what John was trying to say before mashing the backspace key and quickly adding in her rewrite before she forgot what she wanted to say. “Besides,” she continued, “Lex drove Hannah and Tim to school and since she doesn’t have any club meetings or practices, she’ll bring everyone home after school. So, Lily can definitely spend the day with me and it won’t be a problem at all.”

 _Oh, the edits for your new series._ Emma could practically see Paul’s face scrunching up as he ignored the urge to facepalm. _Right… I don’t want to bother you while-_

“Paul,” Emma cut him off, “it’s fine. John’s used to me sending him drafts at all sorts of hours. I swear that man never sleeps and must drive Xander up the wall with his sleeping habits. You have that big presentation today for Mr. Davidson and it’s important that you’re there. Really, just bring Lily by my house and she can stay with me until you’re finished for the day.” She hit save before closing out of the window, “Bill used to drop off Alice all the time when she was sick and neither he nor Jean could stay home with her. This is just one of the benefits of having a friend that works from home.”

_She should feel better soon, I think it’s just a 24 hour bug. I just hate to…_

“I understand. They’re the worst. But really, Paul, it’s fine. I’d be more than happy to watch her for the day.”

_If you’re sure…_

“Absolutely. I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure.” Emma picked up the pillows Tim had fallen asleep on the night before while he kept her company as she had puzzled over some of the minute details of the plot.

_Alright. I’ll see you in a few._

“See you in a bit,” Emma replied, pulling a few children’s books off the bookshelf that Lily might enjoy, before pausing for a second and adding, “Hey, Paul?”

_Yeah?_

“Drive safely.”

_I will._

Hanging up the phone, Emma grabbed the books and her phone before closing the door and making her way down the stairs. She had just settled down at her desk after waving goodbye to Hannah, Lex, and Tim when Paul called her in a panic explaining that Lily had woken up with a cold and while he would normally stay home with her or ask Bill if there was any way he could watch her, they both had major presentations that required both of them to be present at work. So, he was calling to see if she knew of anyone who could possibly babysit Lily just until he was able to escape and get back home. Instead of suggesting that he reach out to Zoey in case any of her college friends were free, Emma had immediately offered for Lily to come stay with her for the day. 

Placing the books on the table besides the couch, Emma gave it a quick glance over to make sure that the room was relatively clean. She wasn’t sure why she was trying to clean, it wasn’t like Paul and Lily were coming for dinner, and on top of that, she had no reason to need to make a good impression since he had already seen her in one of her writing moods during their Friday afternoon coffee breaks at Beanies. Besides, he was just a friend.

A friend. It was nice having another friend besides just Bill and Jean and John and Xander, although they were in New York. A friend who could relate to some of the trials of being a single parent and someone who she found herself randomly texting throughout the day about anything and everything. As much as she hated to admit it, and she would never dare admit it to Bill, Bill had been right. Of course, his matchmaking skills needed some work, but connecting people who could become friends was something he did well.

But this would be the first real time she met Lily after hearing so much about her from Paul and Emma wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible. Plus, the last time she met her hadn’t gone as well as she would have liked.

* * *

“Emma?”

Emma startled, her heart beginning to pound and her body stiffening and freezing as if readying itself to flee when she heard her name being called again before turning around to see Paul standing behind her with a little girl holding his hand as he clutched a shopping basket in his other. Pressing a hand to her chest in an attempt to get it to stop racing at the speed of light, she willed her body to relax and attempted to release the breath she had been holding.

“Paul.” Emma sighed, forcing her hand to consciously release the handle of the shopping cart and forcing a smile on her face. “You startled me.”

“Sorry,” He apologized, his face remorseful as he took stock of how tense she appeared. “I thought that was you and just wanted to say hi. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“No, no,” Emma waved off the apology ignoring the residual trembling in her legs from the rush of adrenaline her body had just endured. “I’m glad you came to say hi.” Looking down at the little girl, her hair in uneven pigtails as her green eyes sparkled, Emma asked, “And who is this?”

With a proud smile on his face, Paul fondly gazed down at his daughter before sweeping her up in his arms causing her to giggle and throw her arms around his neck. “This is Lily.”

“Hi Lily, I’m Emma.” Emma introduced herself.

Lily beamed at her, “Hi Ms. Emma! Oh!” She exclaimed, squirming to clasp her hands together and causing Paul to hold on to her even more tightly for fear of her falling, “You’re Ms. _Emma_.” Her voice growing louder in awe. “Daddy’s-”

“Well, we better get going.” Paul chuckled nervously, interrupting his daughter, a panicked look on his face. “I promised this little one that we’d go to the park and stomp in the leaves before it gets too cold. It was good seeing you, Emma.”

“It was good to see you too, Paul. And it was nice to meet you, Lily.”

As Paul made his way down the aisle, Emma watched as Lily pouted, her voice floating through the store. “But Daddy, I wanted to tell Ms. Emma about-”

“Lily, Ms. Emma is also grocery shopping and if you want to get to the park…” 

The moment they were out of sight, Emma wilted over the shopping cart, cradling her head in her hands and trying to steady her breathing. Closing her eyes, she breathed in for a count of four, held her breath for seven counts, and released it as she counted to eight. She lost track of how many times she moved through the exercise before a soft and gentle voice brought her back to the present.

“Momma? Are you okay?”

Emma opened her eyes and straightened her back, looking up to see her children standing around her. Lex was staring at her, concern etched on her face as she held some of the ingredients they needed for the tacos they were planning on making for dinner in one hand and Tim’s hand in her other, as if to hold him back from startling their mother even more. Hannah had a bemused look on her face as if she were trying to piece something together and Tim, Tim was looking up at her with wide eyes. Eyes so much like Jane’s when she used to sit next to Emma, brushing back her hair in an attempt to comfort her after a run in with their mother.

“I’m fine, but, I could use a hug.” Emma reassured them, kneeling down ever so slightly as Lex let go of Tim’s hand and he went flying into his mother’s arms. Cuddling him closely to her chest, she brushed a quick kiss over his crown before releasing him. “Did you find everything for dinner?”

Lex nodded as she added the ingredients to the cart. “We just need to pick up the cheese, but I figured we could do that when we pick up the eggs and milk.”

“Great. So, then we’ll just need to grab yogurt and some frozen fruit and we’ll be good to go.” Checking her list to make sure she wasn’t forgetting something, she was about to cross something off when her phone chirped.

“Phone, Momma.” Tim happily informed her from where he stood examining the breakfast cereal.

“Thank you, Baby.” Emma said pulling out her phone to see who had texted her. Opening up the message from Paul, she couldn’t help the involuntary smile which found its way to her face.

_I’m so sorry for scaring you, Emma. I just wanted you to meet Lily. Next time, your iced coffee with a dash of milk and a pump of gingerbread syrup is on me. See you Friday at 1 like normal?_

“That’s Paul, isn’t it?” Lex asked, a knowing glint in her eyes and mischievous smirk playing on her lips as Emma quickly typed her response and slipped her phone back in her pocket.

“It is,” Hannah answered before Emma could try and deny it. At Emma’s incredulous laugh, Hannah turned to her mother, “Momma, we’re not blind.”

“Yeah, Momma,” Tim piped up, hopping on the back on the shopping cart, “we all know when Paul texts you. You get this look on your face,” he looked up at Lex, “Lexie, what did you call it?”

“Okay,” Emma cut in, the mirth evident in her voice, “enough teasing your mom. You three.” She laughed, shaking her head, “I miss when you were little and didn’t gang up on me like you do now.”

“What fun would that be?” Lex asked grinning.

“But you love us anyway,” Hannah added as she tucked herself up next to her mother.

“Forever and always.” Emma responded, gently fixing Hannah’s bangs. “But, I could do with a little less of your teasing sometimes.” She was going to continue when her phone chimed once more.

Just as Lex was going to say something, Tim, sensing an opening, jumped in, “Could we get ice cream for dessert, Momma?”

“You know how to play your cards too well.” Emma chuckled, “Yes, we can get ice cream.” She agreed, shaking her head with fond exasperation. “What am I going to do with the three of you?” She started pushing the cart towards the dairy aisle. “Alright, eggs, milk, cheese and then you can pick ice cream for dessert while I respond to Paul.” 

* * *

Normally she didn’t startle so easily, but even though it had been years since the incident with Mike, grocery stores were still one of the places where she didn’t feel entirely comfortable. The shelves blocking an easy escape, the noise making it impossible to truly hear if someone was behind her, and sheer number of people who were always there. Not to mention the fact that _it_ had happened at a grocery store. The kids knew that and would often accompany her if she went after school or on the weekend during which they would split the shopping list so that they were able to quickly pick up everything they needed and make their way back home. She could tell that Paul had felt awful about sneaking up on her and scaring her, but she had truly appreciated the fact that he hadn’t pushed or asked her about it when he sat down at her table at Beanies that Friday with her gingerbread iced coffee as he had promised. One day she’d tell him about Mike.

But she didn’t need to think about Mike today. She didn’t want to think about Mike today or anything that he had done and put her family through. Making her way to the kitchen, she pulled out a package of frozen chicken breasts. Inspecting the Ziploc bag and ensuring that it was completely sealed, she submerged it in a pot of cold water to speed up the defrosting process before grabbing an onion, carrots, and celery and quickly chopping them up. Whenever Hannah, Lex, or Tim got sick, the one thing they wanted was chicken soup. Of course, there were preferences about whether noodles, dumplings, or rice belonged in the soup, but the base was always the same. She wasn’t sure if Lily was anything like her kids, but in case she was, a warm bowl of homemade chicken soup did wonders for a cold.

Just as she finished up the mirepoix and added in the ginger, garlic, thyme, two bay leaves, and chicken stock, she heard the doorbell ring. Covering the pot and turning the heat down to let the broth simmer, she quickly washed her hands before racing to grab the door. Subconsciously straightening her shirt and sneaking a glance at her reflection on the TV, she fixed one of her hairclips before throwing open the door with a smile.

Taking in the frazzled looking man in front of her along with the teary-eyed little girl, curls pulled back in a braid, but in disarray as if she had slept in it, clutching a well-loved, stuffed bear, she ushered them into her house. “Come in, come in.”

Taking note of the shoes piled on the shoe rack, Paul knelt down to untie Lily’s sneakers before slipping off his own dress shoes. “Lily-bug, you remember Ms. Emma, don’t you? She’s going to stay with you while I’m at work.” Brushing a gentle hand over her curls, he looked his daughter in the eyes, “Please don’t cry, Lily. I’ll be back before you know it. And you’ll have fun with Ms. Emma, I promise.”

He looked pleadingly up at Emma, his blue eyes wide and the panic evident on his face as Lily began to sniffle and tears welled up in her eyes. Realizing that he was seconds away from calling Bill and telling him that he wouldn’t be able to come in, Emma crouched down so she was eye to eye with Lily as well.

“Hello Lily.” Her voice light and welcoming, “It’s so nice to see you again. I’m Ms. Emma, remember, we met briefly when you went shopping with your daddy?” She smiled invitingly at the little girl. “Your daddy has told me so much about you that I’ve been looking forward to actually meeting you for a long time.”

“Really?” Lily sniffled, her hand wiping away her tears before rubbing her nose.

“Really.” Emma replied, keeping her eyes locked on Lily while reaching over to grab a tissue from the Kleenex box. Holding it out to her, she continued, “And who is this little one?”

“Bunny.” Lily whimpered, holding the bear in front of her face.

Emma carefully reaching out to shake the bear’s arm, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Bunny,” she introduced herself, not batting an eye. “I hope you’ll have fun here while you and Ms. Lily are visiting. Now,” she said, her eyes twinkling, “your daddy has told me how you love Disney movies. Is that true?”

Lily nodded, “But I’m only allowed to watch them on the weekend.”

“Well, I think your Daddy wouldn’t mind if you watched a few today since you’re sick and not feeling well.” Emma glanced over to Paul who was watching them interact in wonder.

Paul immediately agreed. “You have to listen to Ms. Emma, but if you want to watch a few movies, I know you’re not feeling well, so that’s fine with me, Lily-bug.”

“Really, Daddy?”

“Really.” Paul confirmed as he took Lily’s used tissue and was about to slip it into his suit pocket, making note to throw it away before he got to the office because knowing that he had a used tissue in his pocket would bother him all day, when Emma’s hand reached out for it. Giving it to her, he watched as she deftly threw it in the trash all the while keeping her eyes locked on Lily.

“Well, if you like Disney movies, Lex, Hannah, and Tim – my kids – have a collected quite a few over the years. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you watched a few today. If you’d like, you can go take a peek in the cabinet by the TV and pick one out while your daddy and I talk. Would that be okay. Lily?

All hints of tears gone, Lily nodded eagerly before racing over to the cabinet, stuffed bear in hand.

“How did you do that?” Paul asked, wonder coloring his voice as he clambered off the floor.

“I have three kids.” Emma shrugged taking the hand Paul offered her to help her stand up. “Lex was ten when I met her and Hannah was five. For the longest time they were scared that if they did something wrong, they’d be sent back to their biological mother. I needed to learn how to talk and interact with them in a way to soothe and alleviate those fears.”

“Are you sure that you can watch Lily? I know you have a lot of work to do as well so I can-”

“It’s fine, Paul,” Emma cut him off before he could say anymore knowing that he would only make himself more anxious, “It’s been a while since I’ve had someone so little home with me while I was working.” A tender smile appeared on her face as she glanced over at Lily who was periodically gasping in awe at the various movies she found. “The kids keep me company occasionally while I’m working, but…” She fell silent for a moment, her hand brushing her locket, “They’re growing up so fast now. Anyways,” she continued, “she’ll be fine here. I promise I’ll take good care of her.”

“I know you will. Okay,” Paul sighed running a hand through his hair, “okay,” he nodded, “okay, okay.” He said firmly, steadying himself. “Lily,” he called over to his daughter who positioned her bear so it was looking at the movies she had selected before running over to her father. “I have to go now, but I’ll just be a phone call away and Ms. Emma will take good care of you.” He swept her into his arms as she jumped up, holding her tightly while her arms wound around his neck. “I’ll be back before dinner, Lily-bug. I promise. And what do we say about promises?”

“When I promise something, I never break that promise. Never.” Lily nodded resolutely as she leaned back and placed her tiny hands on either side of her father’s face.

“I love you, Lily.”

“Love you too, Daddy.” She smiled up at him before squirming out of his arms and running back to the cabinet.

Paul chucked as he watched her happily showing her stuffed animal the various choices. “Thanks, Em. You’re a lifesaver.” At Emma’s uncharacteristic silence, he looked over at her to see that she had frozen, her mouth half open as if she had been on the verge of saying something, but the words were stolen from her. Her eyes wide and shimmering in the sunlight streaming through the front bay window. Remembering the last time he had seen her react in a similar manner, he reached out his hand to touch her shoulder before quickly pulling it back in case he startled her. “Emma? I’m sorry if I said something, are you all right?”

Emma jumped, before letting out her breath and shaking her head, “No, no, it’s fine, Paul. Yes, I’m fine.”

“No, I don’t think it is.” He corrected her, his voice soft and gentle. Looking at the clock, his own eyes grew large as he realized how late it had gotten. “Shoot, I have to get going, but,” he looked down at her, a look she couldn’t place on his face, “we’ll talk about this later, if you’re okay with it. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Swallowing as if he wanted to say more, he turned instead and waved, “Bye Lily-bug!”

“Bye Daddy!” Lily responded grinning over at him before returning to telling her bear about which movie she wanted to watch and asking which one he would prefer to see. 

“Thank you, Emma.”

As he smiled at her, Emma noticed that his hand twitched as if he wanted to move it, but was refraining from doing so. “You’re welcome, Paul. Drive safely.”

Waving at him until he drove away, the sweet smell of primroses lingering in the air, Emma shut the door behind her. Slumping slightly against it, she sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. This wasn’t the way she expected the day to go when she woke up and she certainly hadn’t expected to hear that nickname again, but here she was. Nodding to herself, she gazed over at Lily. She could do this.

“Alright Ms. Lily and Bunny,” she smiled at the little girl as she made her way over to her and crouched down next to her, “what movie have you both decided on?”

\-----

“What are you doing, Ms. Emma?” A little voice piped up from behind Emma as she stood gently stirring the soup base to ensure the extra salt she had just added was evenly dissolved.

Placing the spoon on the spoon rest Lex had made for her in shop class last year, Emma turned around to see Lily standing behind her, clutching her stuffed bear with one hand as it dangled inches above the ground.

Crouching down so they were eye to eye, Emma explained, “Well, your daddy said you weren’t feeling too good and when Lex, Hannah, or Tim have a cold, a bowl of chicken soup always helps they feel better. So, I figured you might like some as well.”

“That’s for me?” Lily stared up at her, her eyes wide with amazement.

“Mmm-hmm.” Emma confirmed, “But only if you like chicken soup. If you want something else, we can always have that. I don’t think my kids will refuse soup for a snack after they got home.”

“I love chicken soup!” Lily exclaimed, grin on her face. “But Daddy normally pours his from a can. Where are your cans, Ms. Emma?” She asked glancing around the kitchen.

“Well, I don’t have any.”

Lily gasped, “You don’t? Then how are you making soup?”

Amusement danced on Emma’s face. Oh Paul… He had mentioned his cooking in passing, but never really talked about it in detail. “This morning before you came, I cut up the vegetables and made the broth, so now I’m going to add the chicken,” she gestured to the two chicken breasts which sat on the counter ready to be added to the soup, “and once it’s cooked, I’ll take it out and shred-”

“What does shred mean?” Lily asked, cocking her head slightly to the side.

“Oh, to shred means to tear into little pieces.” Emma explained, as she stood up and added the chicken to the pot making sure that none of the hot broth splashed out. Picking up the little girl and placing her on her hip so Lily could see what she was doing, she continued, “If you’d like to help, you can help me shred the chicken. I think you’ll enjoy that part. We can use two forks and pull it apart into strips.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Emma said, her eyes twinkling. “I just added the chicken so it’ll take a bit longer to cook, but would you like to stir the pot for a little bit?”

“I can help?” Lily questioned, as if she didn’t believe what Emma was saying.

Emma nodded, “Absolutely. But first we should get you an apron so you don’t get anything on your outfit and make more work for your daddy. Then I’ll pull out the stool that Hannah and Tim used to use when they helped me cook before they got tall enough not to need it.” It was also the stool she used when she needed to reach anything at the top of the pantry and Lex wasn’t around to easily grab it for her, but she wasn’t going to tell Lily that.

Carrying Lily to the pantry, she let the little girl pick from the collection of aprons they had amassed over the years. What had started out as a single apron so that she could reduce how often she needed to wash laundry after the kids helped her cook or bake, with baking being the main culprit since flour just got everywhere, had ballooned into a collection that threatened to overrun the hooks she had installed on the back on the pantry door. Once Lex got an apron, Hannah had wanted one and then Tim had asked for one for Christmas as soon as he was old enough to help with their Christmas cookies and now they had to rotate the aprons between spring and summer and fall and winter to make sure they made use of all of them. Never had she thought she’d be someone with a tote full of aprons in her attic, but she wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Securely fastening the orange apron’s strings around Lily’s waist and tucking them away so they wouldn’t dangle and get into anything or worse, cause the little girl to trip, Emma pulled out the pink step stool and placed it by the stove before carefully lifting Lily onto it. Trading the spoon for her stuffed animal, Emma carefully positioned Bunny on the island so it was away from anything that could damage it.

“Now, you have to be very careful not to touch the pot or get any of the broth on you. It’s extremely hot and I don’t want you to get hurt. I’ll be standing here the whole time, but do you think you can do that?”

Lily eagerly bobbed her head. “Yes, Ms. Emma! I’ll be careful.”

“Okay.” Emma handed her the spoon and watched with hawk’s eyes as she stirred. “So, once the chicken is cooked and we shred it, we can add it back to the pot and then we can add rice, noodles or dumplings to the soup and after that cooks, we’ll have homemade chicken soup. What do you like in your soup, Lily?”

Lily handed the spoon back to Emma before pausing to think for a second, her face scrunching up with concentration as she pondered Emma’s question. “We normally have noodles in our soup, but I’ve never had rice or dumplings in soup before.”

“Hmm…” Emma pretended to think about what Lily had just said, “Well, would you like to try something new or would you like to have noodles in your soup today?”

“Umm…” Lily stuck out her tongue as if trying to imagine what they might taste like. “Daddy always says I should be a brave girl and try something new. Even if he doesn’t really like trying new things, he’ll try them with me,” Lily confided, giggling, “so, I think I’ll try rice, if that’s okay.”

“Well, your daddy is a good daddy if he wants you to try new things and is willing to explore with you.” Emma couldn’t help the smile that appeared on her face as she imagined the little girl dragging Paul around town begging him to try something different. He hadn’t been lying when he said she had him wrapped around her finger. “Rice is perfect.” Emma agreed as she helped Lily hop down from the stool before reaching into a cabinet and pulling out a container of rice. “Rice is actually Hannah’s favorite thing to have in her chicken soup.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Emma confirmed. “Actually,” she picked Lily up once more and carried her over to the pictures that were hanging on the far wall, “This is Hannah here.” She said pointing to a young girl standing next to an impressionist style painting of a house decorated for Christmas with three children playing in the yard while their mother stood on the porch, cup of hot chocolate in hand. The girl smiled proudly up at the person taking the picture while two children popped their heads out from behind the divider that the artwork hung on, laughter evident on their faces.

“You all look so happy.” Lily commented as her eyes hopped from picture to picture.

Emma’s fingers grazed the frame, “We are. It was her second competition and her siblings, Lex” her finger hovered over Lex’s face, “and Tim,” she gestured to Tim, “were the ones to convince her to enter.”

“We have some pictures at home too. But, Daddy says decorating isn’t his strength and he doesn’t want to mess anything up, so we haven’t put any up for a long time.” Lily’s face fell and she buried her head into Emma’s neck, before suddenly perking up. “But, we always take Mama any pictures that Daddy does take. He doesn’t want her to miss anything.”

Ignoring the urge to cuddle the little girl close like she would her own children, Emma settled on simply brushing back her loose curls. When she had started the movie and Emma snuck off to prep lunch, Lily had immediately taken her hair out of her braid causing her curls to fall all over her face. Thankfully it didn’t affect her ability to stir the pot, but Emma could definitely understand why Paul had mentioned struggling to contain them and how much of a godsend it was that Alice had taught him how to braid hair.

“I’m sure your Mama appreciates seeing every adventure you and your daddy go on and everything that you’ve been doing since she’s been gone.” Emma murmured, her voice soft and gentle.

A sad smile crossed Lily’s face as her eyes began to glimmer with unshed tears. “Daddy always comes home sad afterwards.” Swallowing hard, she looked up at Emma, “I try and make him laugh afterwards, but sometimes I’m not able to because visiting Mama makes me sad too.” Sniffling, she continued, “I just don’t remember her very well, Ms. Emma. I think sometimes, if I squeeze my eyes together real tight and I think really hard, I can remember her smile and a hug, but she’s my mama and I should remember more, but-” She buried her head once more in Emma’s neck, tightening her arms around her and Emma could feel her tears causing her t-shirt to become damp, “but I don’t and I think that makes Daddy even sadder.”

“Oh Lily…” Emma gave into her urge and hugged the little girl tightly while pressing a kiss to her crown just as she would if it were Lex, Hannah, or Tim in her arms. Pulling back, she gently tucked one of Lily’s unruly curls behind her ear. “Your mama loves you very much and always will. I tell Lex, Hannah, and Tim that I’ll love them forever and always and I know your mama would say the same thing if she were here. She’d say, ‘Lily-bug, I love you forever and always.’” She cuddled her close once more and laid her cheek against Lily’s head, feeling the tears beginning to run once more as Lily sniffled. Swaying side to side in an attempt to soothe her, Emma’s heart broke for the little girl in her arm and wished she could do something more for her. “Shh… Shh… It’s all right, Lily. It’s alright.”

\-----

Noting the even breathing on her young charge, Emma reached over the side of the couch to grab the remote from the end table and turned down the volume. After an emotionally tiring morning combined with already not feeling her best, Lily needed all the sleep she could get. Gazing down at the little girl sleeping contentedly besides her, her head lying on a pillow in Emma’s lap as Emma gently combed her fingers through her hair, she was reminded of another little girl who used to love to curl up next to her and fall asleep in a similar manner. There was a small, peaceful smile playing on Lily’s lips – it truly was amazing what homemade chicken soup could do – and her stuffed animal, Bunny, was clutched closely to her chest. To be fair, Hannah still loved to fall asleep next to her after a long day, but as she brushed back one of Lily’s curls from her face, Emma couldn’t help but remember the first time Hannah had called her Momma.

Tim had called her Momma from the moment he could speak – she made sure that he knew who Jane and Tom were through the stories she remembered from her own childhood and experiences at school with Tom and that he knew that, biologically, she was his aunt. The first time he had called her Momma, it was all she could do to not cry. How could she not when Jane should have been there hearing _her_ son calling _her_ Momma? But, Jane wasn’t there and Emma was the one left behind. It had taken some time getting used to it when she had continuously referred to herself as Aunt Emma prior to that. She didn’t know where Tim had heard the word Momma from; she imagined that Jane and Tom had been teaching him it before their crash, but eventually it felt like second nature to her. Waking Tim up every morning and being greeted with a smile and hug from a cuddly toddler who loved her and called her Momma had made everything feel like it would be okay, even on days when it seemed like she could do nothing right. She had no idea what she had done to deserve this life – she knew she had done nothing to deserve it – but how she loved her little one.

Lex and Hannah took far longer to warm up to her, and that made perfect sense. Prior to agreeing to be the children’s their guardian, their social worker, Duke, had taken her aside and explained that Lex and Hannah had originally been removed from their home due to suspected physical and emotional abuse by their mother and an unsafe living environment. Emma’s heart broke hearing that and she had vowed that she would never do anything that would make the girls fear her. She remembered all too well what it was like being forced to sit at the dining room table, staring at her plate as her mother raged on and on. Pointing out every flaw, every mistake, every single thing she disagreed with because Emma didn’t want to conform to the image that her mother tried to force onto her. Being sent upstairs without dinner, having her hands slapped with a ruler or worse the back of a metal knife is she so much as used the wrong utensil. Staying up as her nanny peered over her shoulder until her handwriting was up to par with what Estella had deemed adequate. Standing in front of mother as she reviewed what she had chosen to wear before being sent back upstairs to change and Ms. Smith having to do her hair after her mother forcefully ripped it out of the ponytail or braid she had pulled it back in. Emma remembered that all too well and promised that neither the girls nor Tim would fear her the way she had her mother. 

She had kept Hannah home with her and Tim one day when the little girl woke up with a fever and a cough. After making both of them chicken soup with rice, just the way Hannah liked it – and being grateful that she had learned to stash extra chicken in the freezer after the last time illness had swept through her house – she had tucked Tim down for his afternoon nap before sitting on the couch with Hannah. Just as she was about to hit play on the remote starting _Up_ , she felt a tugging on her sleeve and looked down to see Hannah staring up at her, pillow in one hand, her doll – Webby – in the other, and a question in her eyes. Nodding, Emma uncrossed her legs and Hannah lay down next to her, head on the pillow in Emma’s lap as she cuddled her doll close to her.

“Comfortable, sweet girl?” Emma had asked, smiling down at the little girl who nodded at her.

She was about to start the movie when she heard a little voice pipe up, “You’re here for good, aren’t you, Emma?”

Sharply inhaling, Emma gazed at Hannah for a moment before brushing her thumb against her cheek. “Forever and always, Hannah Banana. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Hannah paused for a second as if testing the word in her mouth, “Momma. I love you too, Momma.” She stared up at her as if asking if it was alright to call Emma “Momma.”

Blinking back the tears that were beginning to blur her vision, Emma leaned over and pressed a kiss to her daughter’s still slightly feverish forehead. “If you want, sweet girl. I love you too, my Hannah.”

Smiling at the memory, Emma pulled out her phone to make some progress on her edits. Thankfully John seemed to love the horror humor genre that this new book had woven throughout it, but he wanted her to flesh out some of the characters a bit more and dive into their desires and motives driving their actions as they attempted to navigate a musical apocalypse. It was a bit of a change from her normal books, and written for a young adult audience instead of children, but she was glad that it was being well received. Even if it was just John who occasionally made questioned choices. Like the time he had stolen all of the digital clocks in PEIP’s office and replaced them with analog ones claiming that people needed to learn how to tell time and respect it. Making quick edit after quick edit, with Lily happily slumbering next to her, Emma felt her own eyes growing heavy and decided to put down her phone for a second to take a short nap.

\-----

“Shh… Mom’s asleep, don’t wake her up.”

Emma jerked awake at the sound of shoes tapping against the wooden floorboards and looked over to see Lex helping Tim out of his coat as Hannah slipped off her shoes. Yawning and taking care not to jostle Lily, she waved at her kids, catching their attention. Raising her finger to her mouth to indicate that they should try to be as quiet as possible, she slowly and carefully lifted the pillow Lily’s head was cradled on, slipped out from underneath it and gently laid her back down. She was beyond thankful that she had completed that particular maneuver many times in the past when one of them had fallen asleep on her and she needed to make dinner or get some work done around the house. Taking the blue blanket off the back of the couch, she delicately covered the little girl, making sure Bunny was tucked in next to her, before tenderly brushing Lily’s curls off her face once more.

Herding the kids into the kitchen, Emma turned on the stove once more and pulled bowls out from the cabinet so that they could have some of the soup as a snack. As they settled at the island, Lex helped Tim into his seat and Hannah reached into the drawer besides her to pull out a few soup spoons.

The second everyone was seated, they all stared at her, expectation on their faces. She was tempted to see how long they were willing to stay quiet for before someone started asking a question, but she knew her children. Once one of them spoke, they would all say something and then they’d keep building off of each other and progressively get louder. Normally, she reveled in the controlled chaos that that was, but she didn’t want to wake Lily up, so having seen the confusion on their faces, Emma decided it was best to just jump in and explain everything.

“The little girl on the couch is Paul’s daughter, Lily. She woke up with a cold and since Paul had a presentation for work that he couldn’t miss, I offered to watch her. So, she watched a movie this morning, then helped me make lunch and then we watched another movie.”

“It sounds like you had a relaxing day,” Lex laughed, hopping up to check the soup and deciding it was warm enough, started to serve it.

“It sounds like you had a nice time, Momma.” Hannah’s eyes twinkled as if she knew something. “But, this is the Paul that you get coffee with every week, right?”

“What other Paul does Mom know? I’ve just started assuming that it’s Paul, who we still haven’t met, Momma,” Lex pretended to be offended before continuing, “every time she gets a text because she definitely doesn’t look the same when Uncle Bill texts her.”

“Oh! This face, Lexie?” Tim pretended to imitate his mother causing his sisters to laugh.

Rolling her eyes, Emma helped Lex bring the bowls to the island. “Okay, okay… Yes, you’ll meet him one day, but we really are just friends. And friends watch their friend’s children when they’re sick. Remember, I used to watch Alice when Uncle Bill and Aunt Jean were at work and couldn’t stay home with her?”

“Yes, but that’s Uncle Bill, Momma, and he doesn’t count.” Tim giggled as Hannah leaned over and whispered something to her siblings causing Lex’s eyes to go wide and nod as Tim’s eyes shot over to their mother’s back, who had turned to serve herself a bit of soup, before widening and looking at Hannah as if for confirmation. At her nod, he smiled and nodded as well before picking up his spoon and trying to hide his expression by eating.

“I’ll give you that one,” Emma conceded as she turned around and made her way back to the island. Bending her elbows on the island with a smile, having missed her children’s whole exchange, she continued, “Anyways, it’s been a while since there was someone so little in the house. Especially since all three of you are so grown up now. So, how was school?”

\-----

Taking note of the time and thankful that dinner just salmon, broccoli and twice baked potatoes using some of the leftovers from earlier in the week, Emma settled down at the dining room table with her laptop. The dining room was rarely used unless they had company over or needed the extra space for Christmas cookie decorating. Even if they had people over, normally, they would grab the extra barstools which sat against the walls of the dining room and sit at the island. But, on the rare occasion that Emma used it, it simply never felt right.

It was also the one room in the house that in the years that she had called Jane’s house, home, she had hardly touched or redecorated. Why would she need a dining room when everyone fit around the island? With just the four of them, the island fit their needs perfectly. Besides, she had always dreaded sitting at the dinner table at her parent’s house growing up and being told which fork needed to be used for which item, to keep her elbows off the table, and knowing that her mother was watching her every move in order to correct her and punish her the second she made a mistake.

Meals should be fun.

A time to share about what had happened throughout the day, the adventures one got into, a safe place to ask questions and get advice. It shouldn’t be a mine field with someone just waiting for the next mine to blow up in one’s face and getting caught in the ensuing explosion. Or, at least that had always been her mentality, even if her mother had disagreed with her. She just hoped that Lex, Hannah, and Tim would always feel more comfortable than she had growing up.

Anyways, Jane had always been the one to entertain. She must have chosen the twelve person dining room table, which when Emma had seen it, all she could think was _Really, Janey? Who the hell has 12 people over for dinner?_ As well as the china cabinet, chandelier, drapes and curtains, and the dark garnet painted walls. It looked like an exact replica of a picture Jane had ripped out of one of their mother’s _Vogue Living_ magazines and stuck in her Lisa Frank folder years earlier. Sometimes, if Emma closed her eyes, she could almost imagine her sister laying out the place settings for the dinner party that she was going to host, the china carefully picked to match the centerpieces and the cloth placemats and napkins chosen to continue the theme of the night. The only part of her that was present in Jane’s room was the small bookshelf by the window which was filled with children’s books and had a few succulents that were sitting happily on top of it.

Peeking to make sure Lily was still peacefully napping on the couch, Emma pulled up her document and opened up the notes she had making throughout the writing process which contained additional information on each of the characters. Her children were all working on homework, so she could sneak in a bit of time to write now. She had just started to add additional details to flesh out the motives of why one of the boys continually in the coffeeshop was so insistent on only drinking hot chocolate when she heard footsteps coming down the stairs and looked up to see Tim standing on the other side of the table. 

“Tim? Is everything alright, Baby?” Emma asked, her eyes searching his face. Taking note of his red rimmed eyes, Emma closed her laptop to focus solely on her son. “Tim, what’s the matter?”

Tim worried his bottom lip for a few seconds before whispering, “Are you trying to replace me, Momma?”

Emma’s heart dropped, why would he… how could he… Scrambling out of her seat, she dropped to her knees and threw open her arms. Tim ran straight into them, sitting in her lap, his face pressed against her shoulder.

“Oh Baby, no, not at all. What gave you that idea?” Emma murmured holding him close.

Tim sniffled, “Well, there’s Lily now, isn’t there? And you spent the whole day with her while we were at school and she fell asleep on you like we normally do and you made her soup, Momma! And since I’m the youngest, you obviously aren’t going to replace Lex or Hannah!”

Pressing a kiss to the top of his head, Emma drew back before gently tipping his head up towards hers, so they were eye to eye. “Timothy Houston-Perkins, I could never replace you. You and your sisters,” She paused for a second, grabbing his hand and pressing it to her chest, right above her locket, the warm gold pressing against their skin, “You are my heart.” A tender smile crossed her face, “You will always be my baby and I’m so sorry that you thought that. That’s not what I meant at all.”

As he hugged her once more, Emma managed to stand up, making use of one of the dining room chairs and grabbing on to it for leverage. Making her way to the kitchen, she maneuvered the two of them through the door to the back porch and stepped outside.

Looking out at the back yard she quietly told him, “You know, the first night that I had the three of you, Lex and Hannah had gone to sleep, but you didn’t want to sleep for some reason and kept crying. You must have known that something was wrong and were missing your mom. Not wanting to wake the girls up, I brought you out here hoping that the stars would help. And they did. We spent a good part of that night just gazing up at the stars.” She closed her eyes resting her cheek against his head, breathing in the smell of his watermelon shampoo and relishing the feel of his heart beating in time with hers. “I love you more than life itself and I always will. The only way you’re ever going to get rid of me is if I die, and I don’t plan on doing that for a very long time.” She opened her eyes and looked down at Tim who stared back up at her, wonder in his eyes. “One day, you’ll be passing your old mom between you, Lex and Hannah when I’m old and gray. I love you, Tim, forever and always.”

“I love you too, Momma.” Tim kissed her cheek before scrambling out of her arms causing Emma to grab the porch railing so that they didn’t stumble.

“Oof… my dude you are getting too big for your mom to be holding you like that.”

“But I’ll always be your baby?” Tim asked, his eyes shimmering in a way he could have only learned from Lex.

“But you’ll always be my baby.” Emma confirmed, laughing. “Alright, go finish the math homework I know you have and then you can play.”

“’Kay, Momma!” Tim grinned at her before dashing into the house.

As she watched the door close after him, thankful that Jane and Tom had chosen to install a pneumatic closer on their back door, Emma wondered if she had handled that conversation correctly. When she and Jane were younger, Jane had once confided in her that she had been scared that when Emma was born, their parents wouldn’t want her anymore. It obviously turned out to be an unfounded concern as while neither of them could truly satisfy their parents’ desires, Jane had come far closer to hearing them say they were proud of her than Emma had ever been. So, while she had never personally thought her parents wanted to replace her, as much as they probably would have liked, she did know that it came up occasionally in combined families and when new babies were born. She’d just have to make sure to remind Tim and Hannah and Lex that they had chosen each other to be their family and that no matter what happened, she would always love and support them. But it was a silly thought, and a concern Tim didn’t have to worry about. She and Paul were simply friends, and just friends they would stay.

\-----

“I’ve got it!”

Emma heard Lex call out as the doorbell rang. Quickly trying to finish her thought – one of the dangers of being a writer meant needing to type things up as she thought of them for fear of never remembering exactly what it was that she had previously thought of – Emma hit save and slept the laptop.

“Lex, wait…” Emma rushed into the living room before coming to a sudden halt seeing Paul standing in the entrance of their home chatting with Lex as Lex tried to hide her grin but failed. Subconsciously adjusting her shirt and patting her hair to make sure none of it had escaped the messy bun she had thrown it into after taking it down while writing, she smiled warmly, “Oh, Paul.”

“Emma.” He returned her smile before catching sight of Lily still fast asleep on the couch. Toeing off his shoes, he quietly made his way over to her.

“Lily-bug, it’s time to wake up.” Paul gently ran his thumb over his daughter’s cheek. “Daddy’s back now so it’s time to go.”

Throwing her arms over her head, Lily stretched out for a second before blinking up at her father. “Daddy!” She exclaimed when she finally realized who was sitting next to her. “You’re back!”

“I am.” Paul laughed as Lily scrambled up and into his lap. “Did you have a good time with Ms. Emma?”

“The best time. It was so much fun, Daddy. We watched two – two! – movies, and she showed me how to cook, read me a book, and told me about her kids. Did you know she has lots of books because she writes books for children, Daddy?”

Although his attention was focused on his daughter, Paul couldn’t help his eyes from flicking over to meet Emma’s as Lily happily chattered on explaining everything they had done.

“Thank you for watching her.” Paul whispered causing Emma to smile in response.

“I’m glad you had a good time,” Paul told Lily, brushing her hair back and noting that Emma must have redone it because it was now much neater than what he remembered from this morning when, in their haste to get out the door, brushing and redoing Lily’s hair had been pushed to the side. “But, we do have to go. I’m sure that Ms. Emma and her kids have a lot to do today and we’ve already stayed long enough. Go tell Ms. Emma thank you.”

“Do we have to, Daddy?” Lily pouted up at him, making the face that Paul was certain would cause him a plethora of problems in the future since he was never truly able to say no to it.

“I, well, Lily…”

“If you’d like, you could stay for dinner,” Emma offered, ignoring the look she knew Lex was shooting at her from behind her back. She only hoped that it wasn’t visible to Paul and was thankful that neither Hannah nor Tim were downstairs as well.

“I don’t want to intrude…” Paul began saying as Lily immediately shouted, “Oh Daddy, please say yes!” and Lex slipped her phone in her pocked and stepped out from behind her mother.

“You wouldn’t be intruding at all. I’m sure Mom would love having you over for dinner and you’ll be able to meet Hannah and Tim. Mom mentions you a lot, so they’ll be super excited to put a name with a face and actually meet the friend that she keeps talking about.”

Ignoring the urge to roll her eyes at her daughter, Emma had to swallow her groan as she heard footsteps coming down the hall that could only be Hannah and Tim. Turning to see them standing on the staircase, she immediately turned back around hoping that if she pretended they weren’t there and they couldn’t see her face, maybe they wouldn’t give her grief about this whole situation after Paul left.

Who was she kidding? She raised them and knew that they would give her grief no matter what, so Emma turned back around and waved Hannah and Tim down the stairs with a small smile. No matter what they did, they were still her children and she would always be proud of them and love them.

As they stood in front of her, Emma placed her hands on either of their shoulders. “Paul, this is Hannah,” she introduced her as Hannah smiled up at Paul, “and this is Tim.” She said as Tim waved. “And you’ve already met Lex. Hannah, Lex, Tim, this is my _friend_ , Paul and his daughter, Lily. They’re staying for dinner tonight. So long as they want to.” Emma added seeing Paul’s eyes widen at her declaration and quickly backtracking. 

“Please, Daddy.” Lily begged her father.

Running his hand through his hair, Paul sighed. “As long as it wouldn’t cause you any more work.”

“It won’t,” Tim piped up turning to grin at his mother, “we can help, Momma!”

Emma laughed, “You, Baby, are not allowed near hot oil just yet.” She brushed his bangs off of his face, “But, if you want, you can take Lily to the freezer and pick out cookies for dessert?” She offered, watching Paul who nodded his assent.

“You’ll love this, Lily!” Tim offered his hand to her which she eagerly grabbed. “We keep the freezer stocked with all sorts of cookies because Momma likes to say there’s nothing a cookie can’t help and she likes having them on hand in case anyone needs a cookie.”

Emma couldn’t help but laugh as she watched them run off towards the kitchen as if they were already best friends. It seemed like Tim had warmed up quite quickly to Lily. “Lex, could you?”

Nodding, Lex started to follow them, “I’ll grab the extra stools as well. Around the island?”

“Yes, please. Thank you!”

“I’ll help too.” Hannah offered, looking up at Paul for a moment before nodding and smiling. “I’m glad you’re staying for dinner, Paul.”

“So, how can I help?” Emma turned around to see Paul hanging his suit over the bannister and starting to unbutton his sleeves and roll them up.

“Oh, well, I’m just going to pan sear some salmon, blanche the broccoli, and throw the potatoes in the oven for twice baked potatoes.” She explained, “it’s really quite simple, I promise.” A fond look passing over her face as he stared at her as if she were speaking a foreign language. “Come on, I’ll show you what I mean.”

\-----

What had started as simply dinner had ended up being dinner, dessert, and a movie. Upon hearing that Lily, and by default, Paul, had never seen _Ponyo_ , or any Studio Ghibli film before – which didn’t have any singing in them, so they weren’t musicals – Tim and Hannah had declared that they just had to see it and what could Emma and Paul do but acquiesce. They were simply glad that the children were getting along. As Emma settled on the floor, Hannah and Tim on either side of her, she had smiled up at Paul, who they had offered the couch to. He had tried to refuse before Hannah shook her head and said that they were guests so they had to take the couch and that the pillows were just as comfortable. Leaning over as he had leaned down to hear what she had to say, she had whispered in his ear that sometime they’d have to watch _Spirited Away_ which was her favorite Studio Ghibli movie, but could admittedly be a bit scary for Lily.

As she had looked around at the 4 children and Paul, faces illuminated by the light of the television, smiles dancing on her children faces as they froze when they knew something was going to happen before nodding when it did happen, Lily staring at awe at the screen, her eyes caught Paul’s. Seeing a glimmer of something she couldn’t identify in them, she had looked down at her lap where Tim had laid his head. Running her fingers through his hair, she couldn’t help but feel like this was how things should be, but she quickly pushed that thought away before reasoning with herself that friends had dinners together all the time and that there was nothing strange about this and that she certainly wasn’t pushing any of the just friendship boundaries that they had.

When the movie had finished, Paul stood by Emma as they watched Lily hugged Tim, Hannah and Lex. “Thank you for watching Lily, and for dinner and dessert, and the movie.”

“It was a pleasure.” Emma hesitating for a second before pushing on, “Maybe we could do this again sometime? I think the kids enjoyed it.” She suggested as Lex picked Lily up and spun her around causing her giggles to echo around the room.

“I’d love to. We can discuss plans on Friday at Beanies? I think I owe you a coffee after all of this. And,” he paused, his voice softening, “I haven’t forgotten about this morning. We’ll talk sometime soon.”

Nodding, a small smile on her face, Emma was about to say something in response when she felt a small hand tugging on her shirt. Looking down at Lily, she swept her up into her arms and pressed her forehead to the little girl’s forehead.

“Feel better soon, okay, Lily?”

“I will. Thank you for letting me stay with you and for dinner, Ms. Emma.” Lily told her before hugging her tight and whispering in her ear, “You’re what I wished for, Ms. Emma.”

Unsure of exactly what Lily met, Emma simply hugging her once more before carefully setting her down the ground.

“Have a good night, Emma.” Paul said as he shepherded his daughter out the door, that strange look once again on his face.

“Good night, Paul. Drive safely.”

“I will.”

“Well, that went well.” Lex commented as Emma shut the door after waving them off as she did with Lex, Hannah, and Tim every morning.

“It went very well.” Hannah added with a grin as she perched herself on the arm of the recliner Lex had been sitting in earlier as Tim settled himself in the chair.

At the look on her children’s faces – if only her mother could see her now, she’d be cackling all the way to the Witchwood – Emma sighed, the scent of the primroses happily blooming in their baskets fading. Picking up the pillows and blankets and tossing them on the couch, she said, “We’re just friends.”

Lex shook her head, “Momma, you should see the way he makes you smile, but most importantly,” she pressed a kiss to her mother’s head, “the way he makes you relax. I haven’t seen your shoulders relax that way in a very long time. We just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy though,” Emma protested, pulling the three of them into a hug, “With you three, I am happy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a long chapter, my goodness. Apologies for that. It just didn't feel right to split it in half when everything happens on the same day. 
> 
> As a note, if you are defrosting frozen chicken and cooking with it, please use the chicken the day you defrost it if you defrost it in water. You cannot refreeze defrosted chicken once you defrost it. (Okay, technically you can, but it’s not considered safe to eat, so please don’t refreeze it.) 
> 
> The children are adorable. I swear I say that every chapter, but they are and I absolutely love them. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this. I hope you enjoyed this chapter; stay safe and healthy!


	7. I Hope you Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul and Lily come to dinner – this time planned – and a question Paul asks provides insight into Emma’s childhood, early years with the children and even helps her heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of emotional and physical abuse and neglect (Emma’s parents) 
> 
> Note: This is another chapter you're going to want to pay attention to the time stamp for since we jump into November.
> 
> Also, apologies if you got multiple notifications, technology and I rarely get along and it seems like AO3 is one of those sites I struggle with.

“They all laughed, remembering these funny things. It was a long time since Otter, Mole or Hare had laughed. Before Fox had fallen ill there had always been laughter in the house. Fox had loved to laugh.

…

Mole, Hare and Otter sat together often on Mole’s bench, in Hare’s garden, full of Otter’s pie, recalling happy times. As they laughed, they felt they could hear Fox laughing too, as if he was still there with them.

And in their hearts and their memories and their laughter, Fox was still there, part of their family, father of the house

…always and forever.”

**Alan Durant and Debi Gliori, _Always and Forever_**

* * *

November 10, 2018

“Paul’s here, Momma, Paul’s here! Hi Lily!”

Hearing Tim’s announcement Emma immediately glanced at the clock to check the time. Paul had said they would be over at 6:45, and the last time she had checked, it was only 6, so it couldn’t possibly be 6:45 already. Then again, she should have realized by now that Paul was perpetually early for things since his anxiety simply couldn’t let him be less than 15 minutes early. As she suspected, it was in fact 6:30 and not 6:45 – they must have made good time since she and the kids lived on the opposite side of town. Reading over her email to ensure that it was understandable, Emma sent it off before sleeping the computer and rushing down the stairs,

“Tim don’t open the door, let me…” Emma paused on the staircase as she saw Paul standing in the doorway trying to juggle multiple plastic bags and boxes as Lily placed hers on the side table and ran to give Tim a hug. Shaking her head, Emma made her way down the rest of the stairs, mussing up Tim’s hair and accepting a hug from Lily before relieving Paul of a few of the boxes in his arms. “One of these days I really need to teach them not open the door to everyone that knocks.” Emma faux whispered as she saw Tim grab Lily’s hand and race over to the movie cabinet. “For all we know it could be the Hatchetfield Ape-Man who’s knocking on the door the next time. Can you imagine what that would be like trying to figure out what he would want for dinner?”

“It’s good to see you too, Emma. Yes, the drive went well. No, there wasn’t much traffic and yes, I can…” Paul chucked, looking fondly at her back as he followed her to the kitchen and priding himself in not stumbling at all when she turned around to flash him a smile.

“See, I didn’t even have to ask.” Her eyes glimmered with mirth, “Although, I am glad that you both got here safely.”

“I hope this is okay for dinner,” Paul said as he started to unpack and open up the variety of takeout containers. “I know that no one’s too picky, but to be safe, we just picked up an assortment of Italian food.” 

Pulling dishes out of the cabinet and reaching around Paul to pull out silverware from the drawer, Emma sighed, “You didn’t have to do that. You could have just made something super simple. Like I’ve said, we will honestly eat anything.” 

“Daddy can’t cook, Ms. Emma,” Lily explained appearing in the doorway as Tim stood behind her holding a few DVDs.

“I can...” Paul protested, the resignation already evident in his voice as Lily put her hands on her hips and glared up at him. “Well, it’s not a lie.” Paul shrugged sheepishly, opening up the containers to reveal eggplant parmesan, lasagna, chicken marsala, fettuccini alfredo along with sides of salad and bread. 

“Ms. Emma cooks, Daddy.” Lily corrected her father as she and Tim darted around Emma and Paul putting the plates and utensils out at each seat. Emma had yet to move the extra two stools back to the dining room and had instead just left them where they were so she didn’t have to move them every Saturday when Paul and Lily came over for dinner.

“Daddy’s cooking is taking something out of a bag and reheating it or baked chicken or pork and boiled vegetables. Although, he can make spaghetti.” Lily added.

Paul shrugged again explaining, “Kat and I weren’t great cooks. I was better than Kat, but my best isn’t very good, so I figured takeout was a better idea than subjecting everyone to it. I can make great Kraft Mac and Cheese though.” 

“And everyone thanks you, Daddy.” Lily said, shaking her head. 

“Anyone can cook.” Emma laughed, reaching out to tuck one of Lily’s wayward curls behind her ear. “I’m sure you just need some practice.” She told Paul. “Besides, I wasn’t very good myself when I came back from Guatemala, but I wanted to be able to cook for Hannah, Lex and Tim,” She paused for a second, her eyes darting to the wall and lingering on a picture although Paul couldn’t tell which it was, “so I watched a lot of cooking videos and Food Network.” 

“A lot of Food Network,” Lex cut in rolling her eyes as she took her place at the island, waving hello to Lily who grinned and waved back. “I think I still have Ina Garten’s theme song stuck in my head.” 

“I liked Iron Chef,” Hannah smiled up at Paul and over at Lily in hello, “those were fun to watch.” 

“You just liked that you could guess who would win every time.” Tim corrected helping Lex assist Lily to climb onto her seat before getting settled himself. “How did you guess the winner every time, Hannah?”

“A gift.”

“Plus, Mom’s food wasn’t great when she started out.” Lex leaned over, pretending to whisper covertly, although everyone could hear her, and she knew it. “She could bake, but cooking? Not her strength.”

“But we ate it anyway!” Tim added.

“Although Tim was a baby, so he missed out on some of the more adventurous meals. It’s gotten a lot better now, thankfully.” Hannah laughed grinning winningly at her mother.

“Okay, okay, stop picking on the chef. I know where each of you are ticklish.” Emma playfully glared at her kids before turning back to Paul. “They are right though. I wasn’t very good at cooking at all when I first started. But, time did a lot to improve those skills, and you did help the first time you stayed for dinner.”

Paul scoffed, “Yes, because you just had me boil-”

Emma leaned in, placing a gentle hand on his arm as she corrected him, “Blanche.”

“Blanche,” Paul backtracked, “broccoli. It would have been very embarrassing to mess that up.”

“Well, you’d be surprised…” Emma murmured as she grabbed the serving utensils from besides the stove.

Lex coughed and pretended to mutter, although she still knew everyone could hear her, “You’d be surprised how many times we’ve had mushy vegetables for dinner because Mom forgot how long they’d been in the pot for.”

“It did work well once we figured out that overcooked vegetables mixed with chicken broth and a few other seasonings turn into a delicious vegetable puree.” Hannah giggled as Tim nodded enthusiastically.

“Cooking misadventures aside,” Emma pressed a kiss to her children’s heads silencing their laughter, “I did have a lot more time to practice than you do, but the next time you come over, how about we try something, and we’ll make it here instead?”

“That would be nice,” Paul agreed, his eyes shining with gratitude. “But, before we torture everyone with my subpar cooking, dig in.”

“I helped choose everything!” Lily exclaimed, kneeling on her seat as Lex immediately reached out to balance the stool before Paul or Emma even had a chance to dart to the other side of the island. “See,” she said pointing, “that’s the fettuccini alfredo with shrimp because you like shrimp, Hannah, and lasagna for Tim, chicken marsala for Lexie, and eggplant parmesan for Miss Emma because Daddy said you liked that best.” Lily looked at her father to confirm that she had pointed to the correct items before turning to Hannah. “Hannah, could you help me with the fettuccini alfredo?”

As Emma watched her children begin to split up and plate the different entrees, helping Lily with what she wanted, her eyes lingered on Paul. He too was watching the children interact. The peculiar look that he wore when he saw them together, the softening of his face, a strange glimmer in his eyes, and a tender smile on his lips as he tilted his head ever so slightly as if pondering a question, was back once more. Suddenly his eyes met hers as he caught her staring at him, and she couldn’t help but look away, fighting back the distinct burning in her cheeks. Ignoring it, she looked back up at him and meeting his gaze, she exchanged a soft smile before grabbing a spoon and serving herself some of the eggplant parmesan.

\-----

“How do you do it, Emma?”

Emma looked up from running her fingers through Tim’s hair, the blue light from the TV where Moana was quietly playing in the background illuminating his face, as he snuggled closer to her. Her baby was a cuddler when sleepy. “Do what?”

“All of this” he gestured at her, the house and the kids – Hannah who lay asleep in the loveseat and Tim who was curled up next to her. “How did you manage all of this when it was dropped in your lap? I, I just have Lily and sometimes just balancing work and being home with her feels overwhelming.” 

Emma stared at him pensively for a moment before bending down and brushing a kiss to Tim’s forehead, murmuring as he stirred, “No, no, it’s okay, go back to sleep.” Reaching over to grab the pillow Paul handed her, she gently laid Tim’s head down on it and slowly lifted herself off the couch, gesturing at Paul to follow her. Running her hand over Lily’s head, she made sure Hannah was okay, she smoothed her blanket before carefully making her way up the stairs, making sure to avoid the squeaky step and stopping halfway up to make sure Paul was behind her. 

Watching as Paul lay Lily on the opposite side of the couch and tucked her under the orange throw that the children now called Lily’s blanket, her eyes followed him as he tenderly brushed Tim’s hair away from his eyes, before turning to check on Hannah, his eyes running over her to make sure she was comfortable. Pressing a kiss to Lily’s head, Paul made his way across the room and up the stairs. Emma was grateful that Hannah, Lex and Tim had an additional male figure in their lives. Yes, they had Bill, but, she couldn’t deny that the way Paul interacted with them was different from Bill. Bill often acted as their eccentric uncle who Alice and Lex often had to explain how technology worked and Hannah and Tim could convince to take them to the library when she was unable to go. He often took the stance of being the “fun uncle” who got to spoil them – in his own Bill way, of course – and then return them home to her. Paul, well, Paul treated them almost like he treated Lily and she appreciated that he did. Besides Bill, Tim had never had a positive male figure in his life and Lex and Hannah, from what Lex had told her and what Hannah often tried to forget, neither had they. So, she was grateful for Paul.

As Paul made his way to Emma, his eyes lingered on the items scattered around the room. While the outside of the old Victorian house, with its picture perfect white wooden railings lining the porch, the flower baskets playfully swaying in the wind, contrasting with their red brick backdrop, bushes neatly trimmed and pruned, shaped to perfection, and the porch dressed with black iron furniture with green cushions suggested a very formal house whose sole purpose was to entertain, appearances could be deceiving. If he hadn’t seen the hammock gently dancing in the wind in the shade of the attached gazebo, he would never have believed this was in fact, Emma’s home.

When he had pulled up to the grand house the day Emma had offered to watch Lily, he had almost immediately turned around worried that if the interior of the house looked anything like the exterior, he couldn’t leave Lily there. He knew that Emma had raised three children in the house, but never having actually met them, if judging from the immaculately decorated outside, he could only imagine how prim and proper they were, even if he had met Emma and seen her eat pizza. Granted, he had covertly watched her as she glanced down at the utensils on the table before subtly shaking her head and picking up the slice, a smile on her face as if she had just rebelled against some unspoken rule. Then again, he had heard all about the adventures her children had gotten into, so he had taken a deep breath, hoped that there wasn’t anything too fragile in the house that Lily could break and helped his daughter out of her car seat leading her up to the house. 

Of course, Paul knew better now, having seen Hannah and Tim pull Lily into building a pillow fort sourcing blankets and pillows from all over the house as Lex and her boyfriend, Ethan, who had joined them for dinner cheered them on. Emma had thrown the cookies they had just made into the oven before grabbing lights from somewhere in the house to help decorate and snuggling with them after they were done. He could remember how her brown eyes had sparkled in the twinkling lights as she offered him her hand before playfully pulling him down as Lily and Tim laughed before jumping on him. If Bill asked, he would claim it was the lights, but as he had laughed and looked over at Emma, those twinkling lights shining around them and their kids, the room seemed just a tiny bit brighter as if everything were okay.

While the outside of Emma’s house suggested that the people living there would be better suited for a house in Pine Brook where the likes of Linda Monroe and those who were active participants in the Hatchetfield Boating Society preferred to live, the inside spoke of well loved, controlled chaos. Of people who actually _lived_ in the house. Each room was painted with colors from the plethora of multicolored blankets decorating the back of the couch and overflowing from the basket in the corner of the room to the plants which sat in the sun. From the bookshelves decked with spines of all colors to the kitchen fridge whose stainless-steel face was hardly visible under the multitude of magnets and lists and children’s artwork. Books scattered here and there opened to different pages and movies that the family had recently watched line up by the TV. Hannah’s art supplies lay neatly tucked away in clear tote boxes in each room while Lex’s scripts were dogeared and piled on a table in the corner of the living room and Tim’s medals and trophies from soccer hung on the mantle. Not to mention the pictures upon pictures of the family that lined each wall. While the outside of the house spoke of someone else, the inside reflected Emma and each of her children.

Stepping into Emma’s office, Paul watched as she made her way to the bookshelf and pulled out a few books to reveal a box. Lifting the box, and staring at it for a few moments, she lightly traced something on the lid before looking up at the ceiling and blinking a few times before the she made her way over to him. Choosing to sit down on the rug in front of the loveseat she held the blue fabric covered box with one hand and patted the ground next to her.

“Here,” she said handing him the box as he took his place next to her, his long legs less than gracefully crossing him under him in contrast to Emma who had sat down with the grace of a dancer. Looking at the lid, he could see faded marks spelling something out, but was unsure of what it said. All he could make out was a “J” and an “E.” 

“What is this?” He asked slightly confused why she had brought him upstairs and handed him the box as an answer to his question. But he knew her, so he knew she had a reason for everything she did and would explain. 

Emma sighed, “You asked me how I manage everything and the truth is, I don’t.” She reached over to take off the lid, hugging it to her chest. “This box, well, maybe it would be best if you just look in it.”

As Paul gingerly reached into the box, checking with Emma to make sure it was okay, he grabbed the first envelope he saw – a standard white envelope which looked like it had been opened and closed, folded and worried over many times if the creases and faded tear marks were any indication. Carefully setting down the box in between himself and Emma, he opened the envelope, mindful not to rip anything, and meticulously removed the letter. Looking at Emma once more to make sure he still had her consent to read what was sure to be very personal to her, at her single nod, he started to read, his eyes slowly moving across the handwritten words.

_December 17, 2010_

_Janey,_

_Oh Janey, what were you thinking? Were you even thinking?_

_And what was I thinking in saying yes? My God, I’m not cut out to be a mother. Don’t you remember what Mother used to tell me, Janey, her hair perfectly coiffed in one of her favorite French twists that Sandra came every morning to do, her lipstick as bright red as one of those roses in the garden she made sure was the center piece of every dinner arrangement that I swear she loved more than us, a perfectly pressed suit and nails sharp enough that if you just looked at them, you could feel them digging into your skin? “Emma Elizabeth Perkins. It is a good thing you’re never going to have children because I can only imagine the horrors that would be brought on this world.” And then she’d look down, her eyes narrowing and tell Ms. Smith to clean it (meaning me) up before floating off to another room sniffing as if she had smelled something awful._

_I know why I said yes, no child should ever be forced to live in the same house as Mother, but Janey, I don’t know what I’m doing._ _I can hear you telling me these things take time, and I know it’s only been a week, but I’m at my wits end, Janey. Tim is so small and so innocent. His eyes, your eyes Janey, shine with such amazement and awe of the world that I’m terrified of doing something wrong that will squash that flame he has. What do I know about nurturing any sort of passion or desire? Goodness knows Mother never nurtured us and Father just sat by and let her do as she pleased. And Hannah. Oh, Hannah is terrified of everything. She alternates between clinging to my hand as if she were petrified that if she blinks, I’ll disappear as well and hiding behind Lex, squeaking and shielding her face every time I ask her a question or try converse with her. But she’s so smart, Janey. Did you ever see her artwork? It’s amazing._ _And the things she says sometimes. Well… And then there’s Lex. What sort of hand has this world delt her? You can see it in the way she holds herself, the way she’s continually looking over her shoulder as if someone might strike at any moment. The way she shies away when you talk to her. The walls she’s built to protect herself and how she’s willing to throw herself in front of her sister to protect her from whatever may come their way. Oh Janey… I know why you took these girls. I’d have to be blind not to see why._

_I miss you, Janey. I wish you were here to tell me what I should do because I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. This was your life, your dream, your house, your children. If I close my eyes, I’m back in your room sitting next to you watching as you rip picture after picture out of Mother’s old magazines and glue them into your Lisa Frank binder. I want to do what’s right for them, but you know what our childhood was like. It is certainly not one to replicate. But this I promise, I will do my best, Jane, to give them the childhood you and Tom would have given them. To encourage them and nurture them. To be a better mother than Mother was to us and to love them no matter what._

_I won’t fail you this time, Jane. I promise._

_Emma._

“Emma…” Paul breathed as he set down the letter, blinking back the tears which had begun to well in his own eyes.

Picking up the letter, Emma folded it, running her fingers along the crease, knowing exactly which one he had read. “You asked me how I make it look so easy and the truth is, I don’t. Yes, things are a lot better than they were when I sat down and penned this letter, but this is the hardest fucking shit I’ve ever done.” With a soft look on her face, she carefully put the letter back in its envelope before placing it next to her.

Looking over at Paul to find him staring at her, she couldn’t help patting her hair to try and figure out why he was looking at her that way. “What?” She finally asked laughing nervously, a tick she noted was something she must have picked up from Paul.

“I’ve just never heard you swear before.” Paul said chuckling, “I didn’t even think you could.” 

Emma actually laughed, “Kids.” She explained with a shrug. “While I was in Guatemala, I used to swear like a sailor. It was a way to rebel against my mother even in a different country where she no longer dictated everything.”

Paul watched in amazement as Emma’s face grew colder than he had ever seen it, every emotion draining off the perfect stone façade that took over the features that always seemed so alive and kind. Her warm brown eyes faded until they almost appeared like daggers, her mouth was frozen in a straight line, the sides of her lips turned down as if frowning, and her head was tilted up slightly as if she were looking down on him and disapproving of his every action. And then she spoke, her words perfectly annunciated, sharp as a bullet aimed to kill.

 _“What are you saying, Emma Elizabeth? Ladies should never use such language and you know better. You also know…”_ Emma cut herself off with a shake of her head and Paul could only watch as the persona she had adapted melted off and she became the welcoming and kind woman he was lucky to call his friend.

Sighing, she continued, “and then Hannah, Lex and Tim were dropped into my life. I didn’t want their teachers questioning them about where they learned certain words and judging them for it so I cleaned up my language. Lex, swears every so often, although I think she’s tried not to let Lily hear any of it,” she chuckled, a fond smile on her face, “but Hannah and Tim don’t, and it’s probably a good thing. I do slip up occasionally, but since I’ve never gotten a phone call from their teachers, I’d consider it a success.” Her left hand rose to brush her locket.

Reaching over, and covering her free hand with his, Paul murmured, “For what it’s worth, Emma, I think you’ve an amazing job. You’re the best mother Tim, Hannah and Lex could ask for and Lily’s very lucky to know you. We both are.”

“Thank you.” Emma whispered. “My sister, Jane, was the perfect one. The good one.” She looked up at Paul, her mouth quirked up on one side, “The one who lived up to our mother’s every expectation and then some, or at least got closer than I did. She had this Lisa Frank binder when she was a kid where she mapped out her whole life. and I, swear to God, she stuck to it, bullet point by bullet point. Going to med school, getting married, buying a house, having a kid.” She shrugged, “And when one sister is so on top of her game, it kind of demands the other one be a total fuck up. But then she was gone, and you know the rest.”

Emma accepted the tissue Paul offered her with a small smile before wiping away the tears that had formed and begun sliding down her cheeks. “I just try my best and sometimes it’s enough and sometimes I just have to try harder and learn from where things went wrong. Anyone who takes one look at you with Lily knows you care about her more than life itself and would do anything for her. Trust me, Paul, that’s more than a lot of parents out there.”

Reaching into her box, Emma shifted the letters looking for a specific one before pulling out a red envelope and handing it to Paul, nodding at the unasked question in his eyes.

Seeing Emma had thoroughly used the tissue he had handed her, Paul grabbed the tissue box from the side table and placed it on the ground, nudging it to her. As he opened the letter – this one much less worn and creased compared to the previous one – he saw Emma smile gratefully before tossing the tissue in the wastebasket on the other side of the room by her desk and grabbing a fresh one, dabbing her eyes.

Taking note of the lack of tear stains and feeling the indents the pen had left on the paper, Paul began to read. 

_October 13, 2013_

_Janey,_

_Mother stopped by today. Unannounced, of course, as is tradition - yet another reason I escaped to Guatemala as soon as I possibly could and one that I could never understand why you stayed. Why would you purposely put yourself (and Tom and Tim) in the path and wrath of such a dreadful woman? Didn’t she torture us enough growing up while Father stood by saying nothing and bending to her every declaration? Fathers ought to protect their children as mothers should. Having Lex and Hannah and Tim in my life now, I don’t know how he could have just sat there as Mother did and said what she used to say and do. How did he never feel like he should step in and stop her? Why did he think that it was alright? I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but the only thing I can think of when I think of Father, is why? And I suppose, that’s all I ever will think._

_Anyways, upon hearing the telltale sound of her Mercedes-Benz, thank goodness for childhood and being able to pick up whenever she was driving up the driveway so we could prepare, I rushed the children upstairs and told Lex to lock the door behind her - not that that ever stopped Mother in the past - and not to let anyone in that wasn’t me. I think I frightened them and we’ll do something fun tomorrow, but they should never have to interact with Mother in a manner that is not of their own choosing._

_I wish I could say her visit was cordial, Janey, but you remember how it was growing up. That bitter and overwhelming scent of galbanum, rose, and powder, so strong that I swear Mother douses herself in it and uses it as a weapon to keep others away. Barbed attack after barbed attack, each aimed and poised to kill, and there was only so much I could ever take. Attacks on me, alright. She certainly didn’t hold back when we were growing up, and her favorite attack simply doesn’t work now that I’m back in Hatchetfield and the children call me Momma. But then she started attacking the children and that was where I drew the line. They may not have been in my life for very long - and for that I am sorry, Janey - but now that they are, I can’t imagine life without them. Needless to say, as you can very well certainly imagine, it divulged into a screaming match which ended when Mother stormed away promising to return once I had regained my senses - as if I had ever lost them - and that I’d see that if I didn’t use a firm hand with them, they would end up denigrates and criminals. She claimed that was the only reason I had found any success as an author and that if she hadn’t done what she had when we were children, I’d still be wasting my life away doing nothing. How is it possible that Mother has gotten even more venomous as she’s aged? Aren’t grandparents supposed to soften with age? She didn’t even care to ask how the children were, she just wanted to know what they had accomplished so that she could go about boasting to her friends and society members about the marvels her grandchildren managed to achieve and how people ought to be so jealous of her and admire her for the hand she played in their upbringing. Can you hear that in Mother’s voice, because I can still hear it ringing through my ears, even though I’ve put everyone to sleep already. I’ll protect them from Mother, I promise. I have for this long._

_All my love,_

_Emma_

Emma watched as Paul put the letter down, anger causing his eyebrows to furrow and deep lines to appear on his face. She reached down and quickly grabbed the letter, putting it away, before trying to catch his eyes, “You see, there are far worse parents you could be. The fact that you try and want to know what you can do to be better for Lily,” She placed a soft hand on his face, tilting it down so she could look straight into his eyes, “that makes you better than most, Paul.”

At his silence, Emma carried on, “You being willing to learn how to cook? That’s miles and bounds beyond my mother and father. My mother didn’t cook.” She scoffed at the thought of her mother ever stepping foot in the kitchen, “She was to her bone the society woman Linda Monroe wishes she could be. But, even Linda loves her children, so I’ll give her that.” Emma rolled her eyes, “We had a chef that came every day to make breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can’t remember a second where my mother willingly tried to make any sort of meal or snack for Jane or I. So sure, you may have some skills to refine but you want to learn because you love your daughter.” Her voice cracked for a second, as the traitorous _what if_ crossed her mind and she imagined what could have been if only her mother had for once in her life cared. Dropping her hand and head to compose herself, she was surprised to feel Paul’s hand cover her own.

Paul watched as Emma’s shoulder shook after telling him about her mother and wondered what he could say to make the smile return to her face. Sympathy wasn’t what she was looking for, that he knew. After letting her breathe for a few moments, he finally said, “Well, considering I’ve burned soup before and Lily and I had to air out the apartment in the middle of winter while running the space heater and bundled up eating take out, you might have a lot to teach me.”

Emma couldn’t help but crack a smile at his remark. She had never told anyone else about her parents. All people ever saw were the perfectly coiffed and poised parents that her mother presented when they were together and never any of the inner workings of their house. Besides, she never wanted their sympathy, and she knew that was all anyone would ever offer. Except Paul, it seemed.

Taking her hand back and ignoring how it felt strangely cold, Emma placed the letter on top of the one addressed to Jane, before sighing. “She died not long after that letter was written. A heart attack in her sleep. She was alone. I sold the house, I sold everything. The money is saved in trust funds for the children when they get older and invested. Every year we sit down and pick out an organization in Hatchetfield to sponsor that needs help. Anonymously, of course. I like to think that Mother is rolling in her grave at how it’s being used. I can’t remember her or Father ever donating a cent while they were alive. They thought everyone should take care of themselves and not rely on anyone else.”

Unable to stop himself, Paul muttered, “Your mother had a lot of opinions, didn’t she?”

“Oh,” Emma laughed ruefully, “about everything. Be glad she’s not here to force you to sit through a dinner in which she questions you about every member in your family, what your goals are for your career, finances, politics, and everything and anything you can imagine. I sat through too many of those dinners when Jane brought any of her boyfriends over.” Eyes widening as she realized what she might have just implied and remembering what Paul had told her during that first dinner, she immediately carried on hoping he hadn’t heard her misstep. “It’s a wonder they ever let Jane marry Tom. While he served in Iraq, he definitely wasn’t one of the “society boys” Mother hoped Janey would marry.”

“That must have been some wedding.” Paul mused before asking, “Do you have any fun stories from that?”

“I wish I did.” Emma shook her head with a regretful smile. “I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to get out of Hatchetfield and when I finally escaped, I didn’t want to come back. But, Jane would call me. Invite me back to the big events, like her wedding, baby shower, Tim’s, and I’d say, ‘Sorry, I’ll catch the next one’ and then when I got the call from Gary,” she paused a rogue tear escaping and running down her cheek which Paul tenderly wiped away giving her a sad smile, “I realized that there wouldn’t be another one and I wouldn’t see Jane again.”

“Actually,” she hesitated for a few seconds before blinking back her tears and digging around in the box once more to pull out a folded piece of paper with no envelope. Staring at it, she looked over at Paul for a moment before her eyes darted over to one of the last pictures she had of her and Jane. Taking a deep breath, she looked back down at the paper before offering it to him. “This was the last letter I ever got from Jane. I think it’ll answer your question from a few weeks ago.”

“Are you sure?” Paul asked, taking the proffered letter.

Emma nodded. “I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t.”

“Okay,” Paul murmured, opening it up, taking note that unlike all of the previous letters Emma had let him read, this one was a printout of an email.

As he began to read, he noticed how Emma pushed herself off the ground and made her way over to one of the bookshelves standing in front of a picture of two young women posing at one of their graduations.

_Em,_

_It’s a pity that this is not being sent as an actual letter as to put to use the penmanship lessons Mother forced us to attend as children, but given your extended trip through Guatemala and Central America, I thought it best to compose an email as compared to a true letter. But, I think you should still be able to print this one out and it can join all the rest of our letters in your box. When Mother requested my help to clean out the items from your room after you left, I noticed that it wasn’t there, nor was it the trash, so I hope that you’ve taken it with you._

_But, Em, we missed you at the 4 month party Mother insisted on throwing for Tim. We both know the reason, the true reason, she forced us to have it, but Em, you must promise me that if anything happens to Tom and I, that you’ll take care of Tim and you won’t let Mother get hold of him. Isn’t traumatizing one generation of children enough? There’s a reason why I am hoping to specialize in child psychiatry after all, as blind as Mother may be to it. But please Em, I am begging you to do this for me. I had hoped to discuss these plans with you when you returned home for Tim’s party, but seeing as you were unable to attend, which I do understand, and very rarely pick up your phone - with good reason, of course - this is the only way I can inform you._

_There are two things to tell you. The first is that you are an aunt once again. Tom and I are fostering two young girls who remind me so much of us. Tom heard about them from a friend of his in the elementary school and, as I informed you in a previous letter, well, email, we have registered as foster parents. So, we placed a request to have them placed with us and they were ours the next day. (It is amazing what dropping the name Perkins, as much as you and I may hate to be like Mother, can do.) So, we now have 2 little girls, one who is 9 and the other who is just 4, living with us. Isn’t that just the perfect number, Em? Mother has opinions, but she always has opinions. This does relate to my second point. The second is - and this is what I had wished to inform you of in person - that we have listed you as the legal guardian of Tim and of Alexandria and Hannah if we are able to follow through with our plans for adoption. I hope you do not mind, and I highly doubt anything will ever come about due to it, but one simply cannot be too careful.I am sure you’ll want to talk more about that so just call me, anytime and I’ll pick up, I promise. And we can talk about everything and why._

_But, how are you Em? Are you happy? It’s been so long since I have been able to catch you on a phone call. I can only imagine the adventures you must be getting into and all of the sights you must be seeing. One day, if, no, when, you come home, you must sit down with the children and tell them stories of everything you’ve seen and done. Please be careful though, Em. I don’t know what I would do if we got a phone call one day saying that you’d been hurt or worse. I can’t imagine that our goodbye at the airport would be our final time seeing each other in this life, so be careful. If not for yourself, then for your sister who loves you and misses you terribly and your nieces and nephew who would love to get to know you one day. But as you explore and experience things so many can only dream of, I hope that your adventures bring you all the happiness because you deserve it, Em. Be happy, Emma. As happy as you can be._

_How I’ve missed you and hope you come back home soon._

_All my love and affection,_

_Your Janey_

“Em…” Paul whispered once he had finished. Looking up, he realized with a start that sometime while he had been reading Jane’s letter, Emma had sat down once more and was now sitting beside him, staring intently at the lid of the box.

Still staring at the ground, Emma began to explain in low, murmured tones, “Jane, Janey, was the only one who ever called me Em. So, when you called me that after you dropped off Lily, it took me by surprise, that’s all. I hadn’t heard anyone call me that in years, not since Jane’s last phone call. Even Bill and Jean call me Emma.”

Emma took the letter he offered her holding it in her hands and wishing she had come home just once before Jane had died before placing it and the other letters back in their box. Picking up the lid to the box, she gently ran her fingertips over the two letters over and over before continuing, “It was always and only full names with my parents and heavens forbid they heard someone call me by a nickname or anything besides my given name. My mother didn’t approve of anything informal or what she thought of as childish and Father just agreed with her and let her have her way. So long as it didn’t affect him personally, he didn’t care. But, I think you’ve figured that out by now.”

Paul wanted to say something, to comfort her. But if he had learned anything from Kat’s death, it was that sometimes you just wanted someone to listen to what you had to say and that a willing and listening ear was so much more valuable than someone who interjected every few minutes, as Bill and Ted had exemplified. So, he chose to just sit there and listen and just be present. 

“When Jane left for college, she got me this box. She promised to write and said we could store all of our letters in it.” Emma hugged the box lid to her chest, closing her eyes for a moment and when she opened them, Paul could see the unshed tears glistening on her eyelashes. “She wrote my name and I wrote hers, Janey and Em. She promised that nothing would ever change, but she went to college and graduated and went to med school and I went to Guatemala.”

Laying his hand on the ground in between the two of them and knowing Emma never looked for sympathy, Paul chose to say, “From her letter, it sounds like she understood why you never came home and just wanted you to be happy.”

“That’s Jane for you.” Emma shrugged. “Like I said, she was the good one. She always wanted what was best for everyone else.”

“Well, from where I sit, it seems like you’re just like her.”

Not able to say anything, Emma grabbed his hand and squeezed it

“But, if it makes you uncomfortable,” he continued, “I can just call you Emma from here on out.” 

“No! I liked it.” Emma looked up at him, a sad smile on her face, “It was surprising and a little strange to hear a voice other than Jane’s say it, but I’ve missed it. So, if you want to call me Em, please, do.”

Sitting there and growing more and more aware of the small hand holding his, Paul finally moved it with hopes that he had prevented the moment from growing awkward.

“Em?” He tested out the new name before hesitating for a second and then continuing, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Well, I already bared my heart to you by letting you read those letters so I’m not sure what else you have to ask...” Emma trailed off looking at Paul.

“Oh, I... never mind, I-”

“I’m just messing with you, Paul,” Emma laughed, her eyes finally twinkling once more, “But, you knew that. Go ahead, lay it on me.” 

“Why forever and always?” Paul asked. “I know it means something to you and the kids, but what?”

He truly was curious about the phrase. It seemed to be their family’s mantra and after hearing it repeated numerous times by everyone, he just wanted to know where it came from and hoped he wasn’t stepping too far. Sure, Emma had just given him the most personal glimpse into her life through the letters that added so much context to the stories she had told him when they got coffee or talked after dinner while the children were watching their movie or asleep or while they were waiting for Lex to get back if she and Ethan had gone out that night – like they had tonight – but he was aware that Emma might not want to divulge that as well.

Emma froze for a second before looking down at her hands and then at the box that Paul had carefully closed for her. Silently picking it up, she placed the box back on the shelf, replacing the books that sat in front of it before moving to a different shelf which held a picture of her, Hannah, Lex, and Tim when they were much younger. She could feel his eyes on her as she pulled a single, thin, hard bound book from the shelf and made her way back to Paul. 

Sitting next to him, closer this time so that their shoulders were almost touching and if she leaned over ever so slightly, she could rest her head in the crook of his neck, with her eyes still on the book, she held it so he could see it. 

_Always and Forever_

Lightly tracing the title with her fingertips, she sighed. “This was the first thing I purchased after I came back to Hatchetfield. I had no idea what the kids had been told or how they were processing everything and wanted to be as prepared as possible.”

“Did it help?”

“Lex understood what had happened, but Hannah was so little and Tim was a toddler. After all, how do you explain to children that their parents, the people who had loved and cared for them, who had been there one moment and then were gone the next, were never going to be coming back again?” Emma’s voice broke and looking up at Paul, she saw the same question reflected in his eyes. He too had been forced into the unthinkable position of trying to explain to Lily where her mother had gone and why she would never again tuck her into bed, read to her, or watch another Disney movie with her.

“So,” she continued, “I think it helped. I used to read it over and over to the kids every night before I’d tuck them into bed. I know it’s meant for children, but it helped me too. Jane and I, well,” Emma shrugged. “You read some of the letters. I have a lot of regrets I don’t think I’ll ever fully be able to resolve, but I know she loved me, and I loved her.” 

Raising her hand to her chest and pressing her hand to her locket, a sad smile crossed Emma’s face as she flipped through the book, allowing Paul to see what it said. “And I promised to love the kids, forever and always, and I wanted them to remember that and know that so that one day, they’d be able to remember just how much I love them. That even when I’m gone, they would never doubt how much I loved them.”

A single tearran down her cheek and splashed against the last page. Brushing away its remnants, Emma looked up to see Paul mirroring her as he read what was written. Just as she was about to say something, she tilted her head as she heard the telltale noise of Lex pulling into the driveway.

Was it 10:30 already?

Glancing at the clock hanging on the wall, her eyes widened as she confirmed the time. Slowly closing the book, Emma stared at it for a few seconds. “Here,” she said, offering it to him. “Why don’t you take this home with you tonight. You can bring it back whenever you’re done with it.”

“Are you sure?”

Emma nodded. “Maybe you can add it to the rotation along with _The Christmas Checklist_ and _In the Garden_.”

“Thank you, Em.” Paul told her, taking the book and staring at it as if she had handed him a box full of gold.

“I’d say you could read it now, but I give it five seconds before Lex comes bursting through the front door.”

“Mom? Paul? Are you both upstairs? I saw Paul’s car still parked on the side of the road and Lily’s sleeping on the couch. I’m coming up now, so if you’re both not-”

“We’re here,” Emma called as Paul offered her his hand, helping her stand up and steading her so she didn’t fall over. “We’re here. Paul was just about to leave.” She shot him a questioning look asking for his confirmation.

He nodded before adding, “I didn’t realize it was so late, but it’s probably time for Lily and I to get home.”

Emma followed him down the stairs and watched as he tried to wake Lily before choosing to lift her up.

Cradling his daughter in his arms, Paul stood in front of Emma as she leaned over to press a kiss to the little girl’s forehead causing Lily to smile in her sleep as Emma held the front door open.

“Thank you for dinner and,” Paul paused trying to find a word that accurately captured everything Emma had been willing to share. Finally, he settled on simply, “everything.”

“Of course. Drive carefully.”

“I will.” Paul promised. “Goodnight, Lex.” He smiled at Lex who had perched herself on the side foot of the stairs and saluted him as her goodbye before turning to Emma.

“Goodnight, Em.” He hesitated before leaning over and brushing a kiss against her cheek, his lips as light as a feather against her skin. Pulling back with more speed than either Emma or Lex thought he possessed, he turned and made his way to the car buckling Lily into her car seat and driving off as the two could only watch and wave goodbye.

Raising her finger and shaking her head, effectively silencing any questions for the moment although she knew they were coming, Emma closed the door, locking it behind her before walking over to Tim and kneeling next to him. Quietly murmuring in an attempt to wake him up, “Tim, baby, you’ve got to wake up. It’s time to go to bed.”

Cracking his eyes open, Tim sleepily glared at his mother before turning on his side, lifting the blanket over his head and going back to sleep. Shaking her head, Emma tugged the blanket down before reaching over and turning on the lamp. Hoping that would help wake him up enough, she moved across the room to Hannah.

“Hannah, sweet girl, let’s go upstairs and actually go to bed. Sleeping on the couch down here all night won’t be comfortable.”

Hannah opened her eyes, blinking a few times before rubbing her eyes and lifting up her arms.

Looking over at Lex who was standing by the stairs, amusement on her face as she watched her mother try to wake up her siblings, who could sleep through anything, Emma tilted her head towards Tim.

Nodding, Lex made her way to the couch before waking him up enough that he could climb on her back. “Holding on tight, Tim?” She asked before standing up.

When he nodded, Lex linked her arms through his legs and stood up before taking him upstairs to his bedroom.

Shaking her head at her youngest daughter, Emma just laughed as Hannah sleepily pouted as she watched her older sister carry her brother up the stairs. “Alright,” Emma opened her arms and picked up Hannah, thankful that she could still carry her, but thinking that she and Lex should have swapped. Pressing a kiss to her crown as she made her way to Hannah’s room she murmured, “Sweet girl, you are getting too big for this.” 

Tucking her into bed and wishing her goodnight with her customary, I love you forever and always, she peeked her head into Tim’s room to see that he was already fast asleep once more. Quietly closing the door behind her, she slowly walked to her bedroom at the end of the hall.

“So, what was that?” a voice asked as Emma pushed open her door to see Lex sitting at the foot of her bed.

“What?”

“You and Paul upstairs while everyone else was downstairs sleeping?” Lex smirked at her mother. “Please tell me you remembered to lock the door at least.”

“Lex.”

“You’re not denying it.”

“We’re just friends, Lex.” Emma said sitting down.

Lex tilted her head as she stared at her mother raising her eyebrows, “Momma.”

“Just friends, Lex. Paul, he lost his wife-”

“Yes, almost 3 years ago.” Lex cut in knowing exactly what she was going to say. It was the same thing her mother said every time Lex brought this up. “Which isn’t to say that he can’t still miss her, because he can, of course he can, but Momma. Just friends don’t-”

“He’s not interested Lex.” Emma sighed, “The whole reason he even stayed at the dinner that Uncle Bill set up was because I told him I wasn’t interested in anything either and just wanted to be friends. Besides, even if I were interested, which I’m not Lex, it doesn’t matter what I want, he wants to just be friends and that’s enough for me.”

“People change, you know that. But what do you really want, Momma?”

“For you three to be happy,” Emma brushed her thumb across Lex’s cheek causing her daughter to smile, “for you to achieve everything you ever wanted, to never question that you’re supported and loved.”

“I meant, what do you want for yourself, Momma?” Lex stood up and kissed her mother’s forehead. “It’s okay to want something for yourself. You can be selfish, Momma. We’re okay, thanks to you. But you deserve to be happy too.”

Having said her piece, Lex made her way to the door before a voice stopped her.

“Lex…”

Turning around, Lex looked at her mom, “You know what I think? Paul’s good with Hannah and Tim. He’s a nerd, but cool. And he makes you smile, Mom. Don’t be afraid of what you want.”

“When did you get so wise?”

“I had a good role model.” Lex smiled, “Goodnight, Mom. Love you, forever and always.”

“I love you, Lex, forever and always. Goodnight, don’t stay up too late.”

As Lex closed Emma’s door, Emma leaned against the pillows mulling over what Lex had asked her. Everything she had done since coming back had been for Lex, Hannah and Tim. Sure, there were times when Jean had dragged her out of the house and those dinners that Bill set her up on, but all she ever wanted to do was be a better mother than her mother had been, prove to everyone – and herself, she supposed – that Jane and Tom hadn’t made a mistake in their decision, and for the children to know that they were loved.

Jane’s words rang through her ears and she could see her sitting where Lex had sat, her blue eyes – Estella’s eyes – sparkling with life and mischief and her lips quirked in the half smile, half smirk that had graced her face for as long as Emma could remember.

_I hope that your adventures bring you all the happiness because you deserve it, Em. Be happy, Emma. As happy as you can be._

“Jane”

Emma sat up and shot out her arm as if to grab hold of Jane’s arm and beg her to stay. What she wouldn’t do to talk to her sister once more. To tell her all about the children and Paul. _Paul_. But she knew that could never happen. Not in this lifetime at least. Letting it drop to the bed with a resounding thunk, she hung her head and closed her eyes as tremors causing her shoulders to shake and she tried to control her shaky breathing.

And then she felt the ghost of a hand on her cheek. Nuzzling against it as she always had when Jane would sneak into her room to comfort her after their mother went on one of her rants, it gently tilted her head up. Opening her eyes, she saw Jane standing there standing there, pride and love shining so brightly in her eyes.

_Be happy, Emma._

And then she blinked.

Jane was gone. But she had been for a long time.

Sighing to herself, Emma leaned over and grabbed the photo album she kept on her bedside table. Jane had been the one to scrapbook and keep photo albums, but they were yet another thing Emma had picked up. While she wouldn’t be able to go back in time and revisit all of the memories and photos that she wished she had access to now, she could make sure that the ones she did have were kept safe for the future.

Thumbing through the page and smiling at the faces smiling up at her or shooting her annoyed glares as the children were sometimes fond of doing when she tried to capture a candid moment, she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like with one more little girl in them and maybe someone else to help her take the photos.

_Be happy, Emma._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started writing this story I loved the idea of Emma turning “forever and always” into their family motto (for lack of a better phrase), but wanted it to have some sort of background. Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered Always and Forever which I had seen and read before and since it fit so well, the rest is history. It truly is a lovely book and very touching, especially if you know children who may have lost a loved one. 
> 
> What is a chapter without making fun of Paul’s cooking in one way or another? Will he get better? Spoilers, lol.
> 
> Has anyone noticed how Emma and Jane are both the names of two of Austen’s heroines? While Jane Bennet fits quite well with this Jane, Emma Woodhouse doesn’t fit as well… Well, besides the obvious one similarity and I suppose if we consider the older and wise Emma Woodhouse instead of the younger one Austen first presents… But that is just an interesting thought that crossed my mind while writing this chapter.
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading this chapter, I hope you enjoyed it; stay safe and healthy!


	8. Sugar, Butter, Flour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul and Lily experience Christmas prep at the Perkins' household and Paul visits Kat for an important conversation before making his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of death 
> 
> Note: Yet another chapter you're going to want to pay attention to the time stamp for since we jump into December. Yes, December… 
> 
> I also hope this works the first time around. If not, apologies in advance for multiple notifications; I truly do not understand why I struggle with AO3's interface.

“Until you let go of the painful memories of the past in your life you will not be able to learn and grow. The beauty of life is to learn and grow, the day you let go of your past you will continue to grow. Let it go and restart your life.”   
― **Charles E Hudson**

* * *

December 1, 2018

As the frigid December air blew all around him causing the barren branches to quiver and shake in the wind, Paul found himself tracing an old familiar path once again. As his boots crunched in the snow, he hardly felt the chill that the bone cutting gusts would surely induce in anyone who wasn’t a born and bred Michigander. Normally Lily accompanied him on these trips, her little hand, warm and present in his and her constant commentary carrying above the trees and breaking the earie silence would help to lift his spirits as they made the solemn visit and he drew further and further into himself.

It wasn’t that he pulled away on purpose when they visited, but seeing the result of his actions, something he could have prevented, he should have prevented, made it difficult to face his daughter who he had left without her mother.

But Lily was always good at sensing his feelings and he couldn’t help but smile when she did something silly in an attempt to cheer him up.

However, this time she wasn’t here.

He had dropped Lily off at Bill’s house with Alice and Deb. Normally, they would take her to the park as long as it was bright enough, but while Alice had readily agreed, she had explained that she and Deb were planning on working on college applications that afternoon before dinner. So as long as he didn’t mind them staying inside, then she’d be more than happy to babysit Lily. Alternatively, she had told him, he could always ask Emma – or “Aunt Emma” as Alice had called her – if Lily could spend time with her since Christmas was her favorite time of the year and since Lex had mentioned that Lily had been spending more and more time at her house and was getting along quite well with Hannah and Tim.

It was even something Bill had noted when he originally approached him asking if Alice was going to be in town that weekend, and if she was, if she might be free to babysit.

_“I think Alice will be free, but I’ll ask. I know she and Deb were planning on going out to dinner one of the nights while she was here and were thinking of trying to submit a few more college apps. You know how the process is and goodness, I think they’ve really changed it since I applied. But she didn’t mention which day that was. Anyways, if she can’t, I’m sure that Emma would love to have Lily over. She’s mentioned how much she’s enjoyed having her over after school, especially with Grace Chastity getting more involved with her own extracurriculars. I don’t know if you’ve realized yet, but Christmas is Emma’s favorite holiday. So, Lily would absolutely love staying with her.”_

Paul had realized that.

He had already been treated to the Perkins’ family opinion of Black Friday and how it truly was a ploy for companies to wring more hours from their employees, taking them away from their families, in order to capitalize on people’s drive for the latest fads and mob mentality. It hadn’t been a conversation that he had planned on having one night as Hannah, Tim, and Lily were watching _Finding Nemo_ , but he would be lying if he hadn’t been in awe of the way Emma’s eyes sparkled as she and Lex played off each other explaining their opinions and all he and Ethan could do was watch and listen.

However, while he knew that it was not a tradition of theirs to get any holiday shopping done during the Black Friday sales, he had been completely caught off guard when he and Lily had pulled up to the house the day after Black Friday. The outside of the house looked exactly as it had when he had dropped Lily off that day a mere two months prior. The inside, well, that was a different story.

\-----

“Daddy, come on!” Lily called as she ran up the cobblestone path as if the house were her home. Paul could only watch as she bounded up the stairs and tapped her foot, one hand on her hip and her stuffed bear dangled from her other hand as she waited for him to lock the car and make his way to the front door.

A few seconds after knocking, they heard rustling from within the house as Emma opened the door, dropping something behind her as she stepped outside keeping it closed behind her

“Paul, Lily, hi.” She smiled at the two of them, “We weren’t expecting you until 6. Is everything okay?”

Paul nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine, Em. We were just in the neighborhood and since it’s such a nice day today and they probably won’t last for too much longer, Lily-bug wanted to see if you’d like to join us at the park before dinner tonight. But,” he looked at her hair which he now noticed had flecks of glitter strewn throughout. “we don’t want to bother you.”

“Oh, we’d love to, but,” Emma paused seeing Lily’s face scrunch up and tears begin to form in the corner of her eyes. “Oh no, Lily-bug, it’s not that we don’t want to, because I’m sure Tim and Hannah would love to play at the park with you, but,” She hesitated for a moment lifting her hand up to her locket and tapping on it a few times, a tick Paul had noticed she often did when contemplated something, “why don’t you come inside and you can see what we’re doing.”

Emma reached behind her and pushed open to door, quickly bending down and picking up the garland she had dropped. Draping it over the railing, she waved them into the house. “Come in, come in.”

Once inside, a wave of butter and sugar, vanilla and spice hit him and Paul’s eyes widened as he stared at the boxes stacked high in piles around the living room and the decorations scattered about the room. Two sets of stockings sat on the couch, some that were the standard red and white and others that appeared to have started out white, but were decorated with all colors of the rainbow, patches showing various hobbies sewn on, and a smattering of words such as “family,” “snow,” and “cookies” that appeared to have been written on the different stockings. Looking down at Lily, Paul couldn’t help but smile at the awe that lit her face.

“As you can see,” Emma laughed causing Paul’s breath to catch as he glanced over at her, “the house is a little messy right now.”

“Are you decorating for Christmas?” Lily asked, her eyes darting from the electronic candles which had been placed in the front windows to the tree that stood half decorated as Hannah and Tim were bent over a tote filled to the brim with ornaments. “All of this?”

“Mmm-hmm.” Emma nodded gently running her hand over Lily’s crown, “But don’t worry, with four of us, everything will be in order soon and should be done by dinner.”

“And you do this every year, Ms. Emma?”

“Every year, like clockwork.” Lex called out as she maneuvered her way past them carrying additional boxes and dropping them by her siblings. “Hi Paul, Hi Lily. I think that’s everything from upstairs, so Operation Christmas Checklist should be good to go.

“Unless you lost a box,” Hannah winked at Tim causing him to laugh.

“You say that every year, Lexie, and every year we have to go find the missing box.” Tim added.

“Only because you two like to move them around,” Lex corrected as Tim and Hannah exchanged glances and hid their mouths behind their hands trying not to give themselves away. Turning around and pretending to ignore them, Lex winked at Lily before spinning around and grabbing her siblings, tickling the two of them and causing them to drop to the floor and begin to crawl around in an attempt to escape.

“Momma! Come save us from Lexie!” Tim cried out as he laughed, playfully swatting at Lex’s hand as Hannah tried to go on the offense and tickle their older sister who saw it coming and stepped out of the way almost backing into the tree.

Laughing at their antics, Emma finally stepped in saying, “Okay, okay, not around the tree. It’s already half decorated and I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to spend an hour sweeping up glass and making sure that nothing managed to fly across the room like the last time it toppled over. Lex, let your siblings go and Hannah and Tim, go grab the box from where you hid it and stop teasing your sister.”

“Yes Momma.” All three agreed as Lex offered her hands to the two youngest ones, helping them stand up before they started their way towards the staircase discussing as they went where they might have put the missing box.

“Do you remember if it’s-“

“Oh, I think it’s behind the shirts in the…”

Looking as if she was swallowing a retort for her siblings, Lex threw on a jacket before picking up the bag of garlands that sat by Paul’s feet and throwing the one her mother had draped over the railing around her shoulders like a boa. “I’m going to go hang the garland outside and when Ethan gets here, we’ll check the lights. They should be working since we didn’t hang any new ones last year, but if there’s a problem, I’ll get Ethan to grab the ladder from the garage and he can help us change them.”

“Be careful and don’t-.”

“We always are, Momma.” Lex said quickly pressed a kiss to her mother’s cheek and stepped outside with a smirk and wink before Emma could add anything else.

Shaking her head at her daughter’s antics, Emma turned to Paul, laughter twinkling in her eyes. “Welcome to the chaos that is Christmas prep at the Perkins’ house.”

Just as Paul was about to respond, Emma felt a small hand slip into hers and looked down to see Lily staring up at her, amazement dancing across her face.

“It looks like your storybook, Ms. Emma. Oh,” she breathed, “It’s amazing.”

Kneeling down so she was eye level with Lily, Emma nodded. “When Xander drew the pictures for the book, I sent him some of the photos I had from Christmas and he based all of the images off of those.”

Lily looked around, before looking down and hugging the bear tightly to her chest.

Seeing the look on the little girl’s face, Emma gently brushed back one of her wayward curls. Looking up at Paul, unspoken question in her eyes, she watched him nod once before she continued. “Would you and Bunny like to help?”

“Can I?”

“Of course, you can, Lily-bug.” Turning around to see Hannah and Tim making their way down the stairs, Hannah carrying a medium size cardboard box, she got Tim’s attention with a subtle shift of her head. “Why don’t you see if Hannah and Tim need any help with the tree?”

Nodding, Tim held out his hand, “Come join us Lily. The box we hid from Lex has all of our favorite ornaments in them. Normally Momma lets us keep them hidden for longer,” he playfully narrowed his eyes at his mother and grimaced as she mussed his hair up, shaking his head so that fell back the way he preferred, “but since Ethan was supposed to be coming over soon, I guess it’s okay.”

“Do they tell stories like they do in the book, Tim?”

“Of course!” he exclaimed, “And Hannah and I can tell you all of them. We’re not as good as Lex or Momma at telling them, but we can tell them.”

Lily’s face lit up at the offer and she turned around as if to ask her father for permission. Nodding, the little girl peeled off her jacket, handing it to Paul with a smile and grabbed Tim’s hand

Watching as Tim and Hannah carefully unwrapped each ornament, pausing to tell Lily a short story behind each piece before hanging it up, Paul couldn’t help the soft smile that appeared. He loved how naturally all of the children interacted and how Tim and Hannah treated Lily as if she were a younger sister instead of just the daughter of one of their mother’s friends.

Hanging Lily’s coat on the mahogany coat rack, which he noted now had bright red poinsettias wrapped around it, he shrugged off his own jacket and hug it next to Lily’s. “So, how can I help?”

“Oh,” Emma turned from watching the kids to face him, her own face a reflection of what his must have looked like earlier. “Well, I’m just getting things ready in the kitchen, but you don’t have to help with that.”

“Em, I’d love to help.” He told her, his voice soft and warm as he gazed at her with eyes so sincere and true that it made her breath catch.

Fighting back the blush she was sure was rising in her cheeks, and ignoring the butterflies which were starting to flutter in her stomach – they were just friends, no matter what she might want or dream about. And as her friend, he wanted to help her family get ready for Christmas, a tradition he knew how exactly how meaningful and important it was to them. Of course, someone could say that she had started it by offering to let Lily help Hannah and Tim decorate the tree and hear all of their family stories that were captured in each of the ornaments, but how could she not? Lily was… Well, Lily was almost a third daughter to her and she couldn’t bear how sad she had looked.

“Alright. But, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Paul followed Emma into the kitchen, wondering what she had meant by warning him when he caught sight of what was normally a fairly organized kitchen that instead looked like it had been turned inside out.

Boxes were open all over the floor. Bags of flour sat on the counter next to bags of dark and light brown sugar, white sugar, powdered sugar, and sugar he couldn’t even identify. Spice bottles were piled high that he was sure they would come tumbling down if someone so much as opened the drawer. He could pick out cloves and maybe nutmeg, but was lost at all the other spices. Food coloring – it looked like the gel type as opposed to the liquid type, if just for the shape of the bottles – stood in a row as if to take roll and all sorts of items for decorating cookies were lined up next to it. Shimmery gold and silver balls, sugar colored in green, red, yellow and pink, candy eyes and stars and items beyond what he could even imagine existed, or what they were used for, were neatly organized in groups, but seemed to have no logical order as to why they were grouped together. Soapy water, or what remained of it, filled the sink and plastic tote boxes of cookie cutters were placed next to it as if they were next in line for a bath. And on the counter a plate of what appeared to be sugar cookies in the shape of stars sat happily ignoring the disaster around it.

“Emma, what are you…”

“I told you. You don’t like mess, Paul, and if you thought outside was messy and chaotic, welcome to its headquarters.” She could help but laugh at the face Paul was trying so hard to hide, yet failing miserably. “You’ve seen what it normally looks like – you’ve eaten in here every Saturday, after all – and you can’t bake in a messy kitchen and you certainly can’t gift said cookies to people if your workspace isn’t clean. But, I’m just pulling everything out to take inventory of what we have and what we don’t have so that I can make sure I have everything on hand once we start baking. You’d never imagine the uproar that happened the last time we ran out of candy eyes,” she waved her hands towards them. “While they’re all older now, we do not need a repeat of the great cookie decorating war.” She laughed pressing her hand to her locket. “Trust me, that’s not something anyone wants to go through. Sometimes I imagine we’re still cleaning up the powdered sugar from that.”

“Okay.” Paul took a deep breath. “Okay, okay. So, how can I help?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to help Tim, Hannah and Lily? I’m just washing and organizing things in here. You can even take out the sugar cookies and see if they want any. They were for dessert tonight, but since you’re already here…”

“I’m sure.” Paul reassured her. _I’d rather spend time with you_ went unsaid and Paul pushed that troublesome thought aside as he watched her look around for a moment before a bright smile lit up her face.

“Well, I need to finish getting all the cookie cutters ready if we have any hope of getting enough cookies made for everyone, so I’ll wash if you dry?” Emma offered.

“Deal.”

Paul grabbed a new drying towel from the pile Emma had set out earlier that morning when she had originally started working and took his position next to her, carefully drying each cookie cutter as she handed them to him.

The two worked in comfortable silence, exchanging smiles and laughing every few minutes as they listened to Hannah and Tim regaling Lily with all of their stories and causing her to laugh as they explained why each ornament was special. Occasionally Emma would lean over causing their shoulders to brush, each one ignoring the shivers that the touch caused, to provide just a tiny bit more detail beyond what Hannah or Tim were explaining.

As he dried off the cookie cutter in the shape of a present with a bow and placed it to the side, Paul murmured. “Thank you.”

Handing him one of the cookie cutters the kids had gotten her specifically for making gingerbread men – it had been a set of 6 cookie cutters, two adults and four children that she loved pulling out every year and decorating – she tilted her head in confusion as she looked up at him, that strange look, so soft and tender, she had begun to see more and more playing across his face. “For what?”

“For being willing to let us help.” _And for letting us join in your family’s traditions_ , he thought, although he knew that Emma understood exactly what he was saying.

Laying down the cookie cutter in the shape of a little girl, Emma dried off her hands before reaching out as if to place her hand on his chest. Yet seeing him involuntarily recoil and take one step back as if he were trying to put some distance between the two of them, she immediately brought it back and let it rest on her locket. She didn’t know why she had wanted to do that. It had just felt right and yet, given his response, it was obviously wrong.

“Of course. You and Lily are always welcome here.”

\-----

So, saying that Christmas was Emma’s favorite holiday was a bit of an understatement, even if he had just seen what was going on that one day along with the pictures and messages Emma had sent him throughout the week. Some of them he had responded to and others he had ignored, no matter how much he had wanted to respond.

He wasn’t sure what to do about all of the conflicting and confusing thoughts and emotions he was trying to untangle which was why he had chosen to come today.

Finally approaching his destination, a calm and peaceful location, removed from the road with a few trees here and there to provide shade in the spring and summer and being relatively flat so it made it easier to sit on the ground if he wanted, he paused for a second to brush snow off the bench that Bill had installed a few weeks after it happened. He had been worried about Paul getting hypothermia kneeling in the snow for hours on end, so Bill had taken it upon himself and bought a bench and surprised him with it.

Brushing his hand over the cold smooth marble as if stroking someone’s cheek, he sat down with a sigh as he looked at the headstone in front of him. “Hi Kat.”

“I know, I know, I’m a little early. But, I just wanted to chat for bit.” He shrugged before beginning to tap his fingers against the bench, the chill of the stone keeping him grounded in the moment. “I’d ask if you want to go for a walk, but I guess that might be a little difficult.”

“Do you remember how we used to walk for hours and hours around the park at school? From whenever we managed to get out until the sun set, just wandering around and around and talking?” He closed his eyes remembering how the sun had felt against his face and how her laughter, bright and always joyful carried on the wind. “And you used to stop every few minutes to take a picture of something you saw. Some of them are still hanging on the wall where you left them. I haven’t been able to move them since you,” He paused, opening his eyes as his vision blurred, “died.” 

Swallowing hard, he continued, “I think that’s where Lily gets her love of the outdoors and the park from, because if it were up to me, we’d both be inside and not running around jumping in ever puddle or pile of leaves or snowbanks we found. But she loves it, so it’s okay. If you were here, you’d be standing, camera at the ready, as you laughed behind the lens as she dragged me from snowbank to snowbank.”

If he stopped for a second, he could almost imagine her standing there.

“I know you, Kat, that’s exactly what you’d be doing. Don’t try to deny it.” 

But she wasn’t and all he had left were pictures and memories and their Lily.

“I didn’t bring any photos today, but I’ll bring some on Wednesday when I bring Lily with me.” He promised, reaching out as if to squeeze her hand in promise, but pulling it back and laying it on his knee instead. “Lily’s been doing well. She doesn’t actually know I’m here. Alice is watching her along with Deb. But if she did and if she were here, I’m sure she’d plop herself right down and begin telling you all about everything she’s been doing.”

A small smile graced his face as he thought of their daughter. She truly was the best of them. So carefree and in love with life. “Do you remember how I told you about Emma and her kids, Hannah, Lex, and Tim? Lily loves them and loves seeing them. I’ve never seen her warmup so quickly to anyone before.”

“And they love her. They truly love her. Even though Lily’s younger than all of them, they treat her just like a little sister and I’m willing to say that Lily thinks that Tim – the youngest who’s about 3 years older than Lily – is her best friend.”

“And Emma.” Paul sighed, tapping his gloved fingers once more against the stone bench, the coolness racing up his arm with every tap. “She treats our little Lily-bug as one of her own.”

“You were always the best at giving advice. I’d be sitting there, talking circles and circles around what I needed to do, trying to figure out what the right path was and then you’d come and it was as if all the fog dissipated and I knew exactly what was the most optimal course.” 

“Oh Kat…” Paul sighed once more, resting his head in his hands as he bent over. All he wanted was to understand what he should do and to know he wasn’t betraying those vows he had made so long ago on what had once been the happiest day of his life before he met Lily. 

“Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I betraying you somehow? We never talked about this. Of course, you,” he paused, his voice breaking ever so slightly, “you dying and leaving both of us behind was never something either of us thought possible. You were young and healthy, and … Kat.”

“But you should see the way she treats Lily. And after everything she’s gone through, Kat, she’s _amazing_.”

“I never thought I’d, I never thought after you,” He stopped for a second, twisting his wedding band around and around. He had never taken it off. He had never had the strength to take it off. “I never thought I’d find someone who makes me feel like I’m home again. And her warmth and her kindness. It feels like she’s a breath of fresh air after holding my breath for so long or the first sun rays peeking out from behind the clouds after a storm. When she smiles the room lights up after being lost in the dark for so long.”

“You’d like her, Kat. She has steel in her spine and she’s not afraid of telling someone they’re wrong. You should see her interact with Ted.” He laughed, shaking his head as he remembered when Emma had brought Lily to the office after doing a reading at the local library to promote her most recent book and met Ted for the first time. That had been a moment for the history books. “It’s a good thing the two of them aren’t in the same room together very often because they get along as well as a spark and firecrackers.”

“Sometimes, I catch myself thinking about what it might be like and then I stop, and I can’t help but feel guilty about it. But you’re gone Kat. You’re gone and you’re not coming back and I just,” He breathed in, tilting his head back as tears began to blur his vision once more. “Why do I feel guilty about this? I love you, Kat, I always have and I always will. You were my first girlfriend, my first love, my first _everything_. But now there’s… There’s Emma.”

He sighed, breathing in and out as he struggled to control the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. “I’d like there to be… No,” he corrected himself striving to be honest, because if he couldn’t be honest with Kat, how could he ever hope to be honest with Emma. “I want there to be something and I think she feels the same way. But Kat, it hasn’t even been three years. I just… I wish you were here, or, I wish you could at least tell me what you think I should do.” 

“And I don’t want anyone to get hurt. She would never do it on purpose, that’s not her, but with how close Lily’s gotten to her and her family, if it were to end, well, she’s already lost you and I can’t, I can’t put her through that again. Not our Lily-bug.”

“And I can’t lose someone again, Kat. Not after losing you.” He brushed away the single tear that had escaped, “I’m sorry, Kat. I know saying I’m sorry won’t bring you back, but I should have just run the errand myself instead of asking you and if I did, maybe you’d still be here. I’m sorry.”

Closing his eyes, he lost himself in his memories of times past. He was unsure how much time had past until soft footsteps behind him brought him back and a soft hand on his shoulder returned him to the present.

“Paul?”

He knew that voice, it was the same voice welcomed him to Beanies every Friday. The one that made him laugh every Saturday night and teased him about everything. The one that made him smile and that he looked forward to hearing whenever he could, and one he was more and more sure that he never wanted to stop hearing.

“Emma?” Paul pushed himself off the bench as he noticed Emma clutching a bouquet of dark pink roses as she stood behind him, her head dipped ever so slightly as she looked at him and seemed to be hesitating between whether or not she should be there. “Hi. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I just came to visit Jane for a little bit. I’ll bring Tim and the girls out on the actual day, but,” she shrugged, “I like coming by myself sometimes just to chat.”

“Have you already visited her?”

“Yeah, I stopped by earlier and dropped off some chrysanthemum. Those were her favorite growing up.”

Seeing the confused look on his face as she watched him try to understand why, if she had already visited Jane, she was still holding a different bouquet of flowers, Emma smiled sheepishly. “These for Pamela.”

When that didn’t help, because he knew that her mother’s name was Estella, she clarified, “Pamela was Lex and Hannah’s mother. I know she wasn’t the best mother by any definition of the word mother.” Emma continued, “But she was willing to sign away her rights so Jane and Tom could adopt Lex and Hannah and without that, I never would have had my girls. They don’t visit when we come, but I like dropping off a few flowers as thank you for just letting me have them in my life.”

Being unable to read the expression on Paul’s face, Emma looked down at the ground, before steeling herself and looking back up at him. “You must think I’m silly for bringing flowers to their mom after everything you’ve heard about her.”

“No,” Paul shook his head, a tender smile now on his face. “I don’t think of you at all like that, Emma. I think that shows who you are.”

Dipping her head, Emma turned her attention to the headstone in front of Paul, “And you’re visiting…”

“Kat.” Paul confirmed.

Looking at Paul to see if it was okay to approach the headstone, when he nodded and she carefully made her way towards it.

“Hi Kat, I’m Emma.”

Tugging a few of the roses loose, she gently laid them against the white marble stone.

“It’s nice to meet you.” She glanced backwards at Paul who was gazing at her, that strange look that she had begun to see more and more on his face once again, “Paul’s told me a lot about you.”

“Your Lily-bug is doing well. I think my Hannah and Tim might be a little bit of a bad influence on her, but I promise I won’t let them teach her anything too chaotic because I think you and I know Paul might not be able to handle that.” Emma laughed for a moment.

“But she’s growing up to be such a smart and sweet young girl. You’d be very proud of her and I’m sure you are.” Emma smiled, remembering how proud she had been when she had picked up Tim, Hannah and Lily and they were all so excited to let her know that Lily had read the first chapter of the book detailing her adventures in Guatemala by herself and understood every word.

“And, oh, she’s an amazing help when we’re making dinner and cookies sometimes. Don’t worry, she’s eating far more than takeout and a handful of other dishes, and Paul is as well. I don’t know if he’s told you, although he probably has, but he managed to successfully make ratatouille and potatoes dauphinoise by himself. Lily was very proud of him and I’m sure you were as well.”

Gently laying a gloved hand on the top of the headstone, she continued, “They’re both doing fine, but I know they miss you.”

 _I’ll look after them, I promise._ She thought to herself. “But, I’ll stop intruding on your and Paul’s talk. I just wanted to say hello and thank you.”

Smiling once more and making her way back to Paul who had sat down once more, she looked at him. “I know you said that you weren’t sure if you and Lily were going to be able to come over tonight, but if you are free, we’d love to have you. We’ve missed you both.” She lifted her hand and placed it at the base of her neck where her locket lay under her scarf. “I’ve missed you.”

He nodded, not saying a word.

Reaching into her coat pocket, Emma pulled out a package wrapped in aluminum foil and gently pressed it into Paul’s palm. “These never fail to cheer me up and I always bring some with me when I talk to Jane around Christmas. They weren’t her favorite, but we used to make them together because I loved them and still do. Maybe they might help you as well.”

“It’s not my place, I know,” Emma hesitated, wondering if she could say what she wanted to say and what she thought Paul needed to hear, “but, from everything you’ve told me about Kat, she would never blame you for what happened. So, don’t make yourself the villain in your own story, because you aren’t. You didn’t crash her car.”

Brushing her hand over his shoulder, a sad smile on her face, and hoping she hadn’t overstepped the boundaries, she started down the path to Pamela’s grave.

“Emma!”

Stopping in her tracks, she turned around and saw Paul standing there, looking as if he wanted to say something.

Swallowing hard, Paul struggled to put into words everything he needed to tell her. The words that had been so clear when he had called her name had suddenly disappeared and all he could say was, “Thank you.”

Smiling and nodding once more, Emma continued on her way and Paul sat back down examining the package Emma had handed him. A familiar scent had begun to waft from the package. One that he had smelled before so long ago, one that had haunted him that day he met Emma at Beanies and continued to haunt for so long afterwards. Sure of what he would find, but unsure if he truly wanted to know, he carefully removing the foil, his hands trembling.

What he saw caused him to draw a sharp breath.

He had known what he would find. In some ways, he had always known. After all, he had spent the day decorating for Christmas with Emma and her family and seen the cookies Lily brought home that Monday. It was one of the reasons why he had told Emma that he could pick up Lily for the rest of the week, even if it meant taking work home and moving around all of his meetings.

Inside were two carefully decorated gingerbread people. “You can’t have naked gingerbread people, Paul. Half the fun is decorating them and who doesn’t like biting into a crisp but moist cookie with just the right amount of spice balanced perfectly with the sweetness from royal icing?” Emma had told him. They were almost identical to the ones that he so clearly remembered from that awful day.

“Okay,” he looked at the gravestone before looking back down at the cookies that lay on his lap. “Okay. Thank you, Kat.”

* * *

“And you’re going to be Mother Gothel?” Lily excitedly asked as the last note of _Mother Knows Best_ echoed in the living room.

“Well, not exactly…” Hannah began before Tim cut her off.

“It’s kind of flipped,” Tim explained.

“Yeah, that’s a good way of thinking about it.” Lex agreed.

“But you’re a good guy in the show, right Lex?”

“Some people might say the witch is a good person. But the whole point of the show is to examine what being good or bad means.”

“Oh…” Lily paused thinking about what Lex had said before concluding, “You’re going to be the prettiest witch ever, Lex. I can’t wait to see it.”

“Well, first I have to actually get the role, but thank you, Lily.”

Paul rolled his eyes as he rinsed off the forks and handed them to Emma as they listened in to the conversation the kids were having. They could have watched a holiday movie, but Lex had asked to watch _Tangled_ citing “research” for a role she was interested in auditioning for at school. “Great, get my kid liking musicals. You know how I feel about those, Em.”

“She already liked Disney movies. Musicals were just the next step, Paul.” Emma laughed fondly at the disgust so evident on his face. “Besides, if you stick around long enough with us, you just might find yourself at least warming up to them.”

She paused when she saw him freeze, his entire body straightening as if he had been hit with a bolt of lightning.

“Or not.” She quickly backtracked, looking down at the plate he had just handed her. “Never mind. Forget I even said that.”

Paul hadn’t planned on discussing this tonight. He had left the cemetery, swung by the Italian restaurant that they had discovered made an excellent tiramisu, and then picked Lily up from the Woodward house before immediately coming to Emma’s home. He had wanted more time to figure out exactly what he wanted to say and to make sure that he knew that this was something Emma wanted as well. But, he had seen how she had smiled when she opened the door and Lily launched herself at Emma telling her how much she had missed her that week. He had felt the warmth of her embrace and the soft brush of her lips against his cheek as she hugged him and the tremor in her voice as she told him that she understood but asked him not to do that again or to at least tell her and that she was there for him if he ever needed to talk.

And yet, here they were.

“Em, I…” Paul’s voice trailed off as he tried to put into words what he wanted to say. “I think you and I should talk.”

Emma put down the plate she had been drying and stared up at him, her face unreadable.

“I’ve never,” Paul nervously continued. “I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone besides Kat. And in all honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to do anything wrong. And I don’t want anyone to get hurt, especially not the kids or you. And especially not after what happened with Mike. You deserve the best.”

“But, I do know this. I know that I look forward to going to Beanies every Friday even if they have shit coffee. That coming to your home for dinner is the highlight of my week. That your texts and phone calls make me smile, so much that Ted never fails to say something when he sees me. And that I’ve tried, but I can’t imagine a life without you in it and I don’t want to live a life without you in it.”

Sighing, he tapped his fingers against the counter five times before carrying on, “I don’t know what will happen, but if you’re willing, I’d like to give this an actual try.”

He had never known Emma to be completely silent. Normally she had some opinion or thought she was always more than eager to share with him, so her silence at his confession was a bit disconcerting and worrisome. 

“Em…” 

Somewhere in the midst of everything Emma had crossed her arms and was clutching her locket. Flicking her eyes to a picture on the wall, emotions danced across her face before she lowered her arms and straightened her shoulders. “If you could choose any cookie in the world, what you say your favorite cookie is?” 

“Lemon bars, if I had to pick,” Paul answered, confused by the sudden change in topic, but happy she was at least saying something. “But…”

“And Lily?”

“Uh, I don’t think she has a favorite. She likes everything.” 

“But she likes oranges, right?”

Paul nodded, “Em, we really should-”

“Alright, we can try an orange, white chocolate chip cookie then and work from there.” Emma decided, as she deftly darted around him to pick up an orange and bent over to grab a bowl from the cabinet.

Bewildered, Paul watched as she gathered flour, sugar, and baking powder before trying once more, “Em, don’t you think we should talk about this?”

Emma paused, midway through measuring the flour. “Paul, look around. You already know my answer.”

And he did. It was as obvious as the sun, if you knew Emma.

In the kitchen alone, he could see the ways he and Lily had become woven into the fabric of Hannah, Lex, Tim, and Emma’s life.

The oranges in the bowl of fruit sitting on the counter even though he knew that Hannah preferred bananas, Lex loved apples and Tim liked clementines over oranges. The shopping list on the fridge which included ingredients for the next meal they had decided Paul should learn. Underneath that was a note reminding Emma to pick up the specific type of coffee that he preferred to drink if it was available that she had finally wrangled out of him along with the type of cereal Lily liked in case she ever wanted a snack and was simply looking for cereal.

A few of Lily’s favorite cups had made his way from his apartment to Emma’s home and the mug that they had given to him after claiming that they saw it at the store one day and knew they had to get it for him sat in the cupboard. He could still hear the echoes of their laughter after he had unwrapped the box and a picture hung on the wall of all 4 children burying him in a hug, laughter and joy on everyone’s faces from that day.

He knew that if he walked out to the living room, he’d see a framed drawing that Lily had drawn and had been so excited to give to Emma hanging from the wall next to a piece of Hannah’s art and that, if he looked carefully, he’d see himself and Lily present in more than a handful of the photos which Emma so carefully organized and placed around the room.

This could work. No, it would work, he was sure of it. Somewhere along the line he had fallen in love with the woman who he considered one of his best friends. This would work and he wouldn’t lose her like he had lost Kat. He couldn’t lose her like he lost Kat.

“So, if she doesn’t like it, we can try a different recipe. But anyone who’s ever liked oranges has always liked this cookie, so I figured it was a safe place to start.” Emma continued to explain as she began to zest the orange.

“I’m sure she’ll love it, Em.” Paul looked at her at her wondering what he had done right to deserve knowing her and to love her and know that she loved him back. Taking a few determined steps so he now stood beside her at the island, he carefully took the zester and orange out of her hands and placed them on the counter before gazing down at her, his eyes soft and warm with an unspoken question.

A shy smile crossed her face as Emma nodded once, stepping closer to him. She finally knew what that expression was. Love. And it had been the whole time, whether or not either of them had been willing to admit that it was love. Hesitantly, she lifted her hand and carefully placed it on his chest, warmth radiating from her palm as he grounded her in the moment.

Placing a gentle hand on her back, Paul drew her close to him, cupping her face with his palm and brushing his thumb across her cheek before leaning down and softly kissing her.

So, this was love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, if anything this chapter exposed the fact that I have far too many baking supplies in my apartment… Also, I know that this this chapter talks quite a bit about Christmas and Christmas cookies, but in my defense it was written prior to Christmas, so when it was written, at least it was seasonal, lol.
> 
> I will also admit that for a good part of this chapter I had "So this is Love" stuck in my head, so apologies if it got stuck in anyone else's head. (I was very tempted to title the chapter after the that song, but liked this title better.) 
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading. Stay safe and healthy!


	9. Thank you for the Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes and a family grows closer together both physically and metaphorically.

“The sooner we let go of holding on, the sooner we can hold on to the beauty of what's unfolding before us. Nothing was ever meant to stay the same forever.”   
― **Julieanne O'Connor**

* * *

February 23, 2019

“The apartment looks so big, Daddy. You could fit two of my classrooms in here.”

Paul gazed down at Lily as she looked around the empty apartment that had been their home for so many years in awe. If he were being honest, and he was, it had stopped feeling like home the moment Kat died and ceased being home the day Emma invited them to stay for dinner.

“I bet I could do five cartwheels. Just watch me, Daddy!” Lily exclaimed, running to the opposite side of the room and starting to cartwheel towards him, just as she had been taught in gymnastics.

“Lily,” Paul began before shaking his head in amusement as he watched his daughter scrunch up her face in concentration as she tried to keep her arms and legs as straight as possible while throwing her weight from one side of her body to the other side. “Be careful, Lily-bug.”

It was strange seeing the apartment so empty and bare. It had been like this for about a week since they had moved everything out and while he had been the last one out of the apartment that day and seen what it had looked like, it was still such a strange sight. This was it. While they had been living in Emma’s house, their home, for a few days, today was the day he was going to turn in the key and officially move out. There was no going back after this and he was okay with that.

\-----

Since Emma already had a fully decorated and furnished house with essentially everything someone could ever need, mainly due to Jane or her parents, Paul’s furniture had been put into storage with the thought that it could be used to furnish college apartments in the future. After all, there was no need for five different couches in one room, two sets of pots and pans, or two dining room tables.

Emma had offered to swap some of her furniture with his in order to make him and Lily feel more comfortable, but he had declined since, in his opinion, it wasn’t worth the hassle nor was he all that attached to it either. He and Kat had always planned on buying newer, updated furniture once Lily was older and no longer had to worry about juice being spilled on the couch or watermarks left on the wood tables, but he had shelved all of those plans years ago. So, needless to say, he was perfectly content sticking everything in storage and leaving it there.

The only thing about putting everything in storage that Paul had been dreading was having to actually move everything, yet, it turned out to be far less of a fiasco than he had expected. Ethan and his dad along with Bill and Ted had shown up to help while Emma, Lex, Hannah, Tim, Charlotte, Alice and Deb had handled packing up what was left of the kitchen, living room, and Lily’s room. With all of the main rooms packed up and moved in a few hours – he had personally been surprised by the speed they managed to accomplish everything, but was grateful for how easy everyone had made it – all that had been left was his room.

As he stood in the hallway staring into his room, trying to steel himself to start what would be the most difficult part of packing up the house, he heard footsteps approaching him. Immediately knowing it was Emma, he felt his body relax as her hand slipped into his and she rested her head against his shoulder.

“I can stay and help if you want.”

Shaking his head, he leaned down to press his forehead against Emma’s. “No, I can do it.”

“Are you sure?” She asked, looking up at him, love and empathy so clearly shinning in her eyes as she reached up her hand to gently cup his face and brush away the unshed tear threatening to spill down his cheek. “You don’t have to do this by yourself.”

“I’m sure.” Paul whispered, leaning into her touch which was the only thing keeping him tethered to the present and preventing him from free falling through his memories once more. “I’ll meet you at home.”

Knowing not to push him, Emma pushed herself up on her tiptoes, brushed a kiss to Paul’s cheek. “Alright,” She understood the need to be alone with one’s thoughts. It was the same reason she escaped to the cemetery occasionally where she could just think and talk to Jane. “I’ll take the kids home. But, if you do decide that you want help or just want to talk while you’re packing, I’m only a phone call away.”

Squeezing his hand once more in support before letting go, she made her way back to the living room calling, “LHTL, does everyone have everything? We’re heading home now! So make sure you have everything you want to bring with you in the van.” 

He was unable to prevent the smile from crossing his face as he heard the cacophony of responses. It was something he had become used to associating with Emma and her family and their, and now his and Lily’s, home which was so different from the quiet stillness of this apartment.

He could do this. He needed to do this. Kat would want him to do this.

Taking a deep breath and picking up one of the boxes that someone had leaned against the wall for him to use, he exhaled as he crossed the threshold.

He could do this.

\---

Taping the last box closed, Paul reached into his pocket to pull out a paper towel and wipe his face. After having packed up his room, he was more than grateful that everyone had come to help them move. Although, he couldn’t help but wonder when had he gotten so much stuff? He had always been the minimalist while Kat refused to throw anything away worried that they might need it sometime in the future. But as he had packed, he found items that he had forgotten even existed or even know why he had kept them.

Grabbing his phone from the bowl he was using as a makeshift speaker, Vaughan Williams’ _Fantasia on a Theme_ playing through his phone, he silenced the music and called Emma to let her know that he was finally finished and would be on his way soon.

“Paul? Done already?”

“Yeah,” He balanced the phone between his head and shoulder as he struggled to pick up the box – much more due to the size of the box and not weight – and maneuver his way out of his now empty room and down the hall.

Over the phone, he could hear peals of laughter and he could only imagine what was causing such a reaction.

“It sounds like you’re having fun.” He commented, using his foot to pull open the front door and carefully begin his descent down the stairs.

“Oh,” Emma laughed, “we were putting away stuff and Tim found the old Candyland game that they used to play years ago and decided that it would be fun to convince everyone to play. So that’s what they’ve been doing.”

“Candyland?”

“Candyland,” Emma confirmed amusement and what he was sure was a tiny bit of exasperation in her voice, “I hid it years ago and forgot where I put it because they used to get so upset when we played. Someone would accuse another person of cheating – yes, Paul, cheating in Candyland,” she answered his unasked question, “and then someone would get angry about the accusation and somehow the pieces would end up all over the room and guess who had to clean that up?” She chuckled and Paul could just see Emma watching the kids play, a tender smile on her face and her hand covering her locket.

“But, somehow Tim found it, I should have just gotten rid of when I had the chance, and now they’re playing Candyland. Well, Hannah, Tim and Lily are playing while Ethan and Lex are kind of playing?” She lowered her voice so no one else could hear her, “I swear they’re doing something to let Lily win, but I’m not sure what it is and I don’t think they’ll admit to anything.”

“Well, I’m glad they’re having fun.” Paul told her, “And that no one’s started throwing pieces at each other yet.”

“Just wait. If they do, well, they’ll be cleaning them up since they’re all older now, but if they weren’t, you’d be on clean up duty with me since you live here now. I’m glad the dining room is getting some use, even if this was probably not what Jane imagined, but picking cards off the ground while trying to avoid stubbing your toes on the chairs or hitting your head on the table is such a hassle.”

“Yeah… I’m sure it is.” It was a strange thought, the idea of coming home to something besides an empty apartment where Grace Chasity was watching Lily. Of coming home and the sounds of laughter and joy beckoning him to join them. Of a home being filled with light and warmth. But the more he thought about it, the more that idea simply felt right.

“Hey, Paul?”

“Yeah?”

Emma paused for a second and Paul could imagine her on the other end of the phone worrying her locket as she did when she wanted to say something but wasn’t exactly sure how to say it.

“What’s wrong Em?”

Sighing, Emma murmured, “I know everything was so fast, Paul, and I just wanted to make sure that you knew that if you’re having second thoughts about it, we can help you move everything back in and forget that this ever happened.”

Vehemently shaking his head before remembering that Emma couldn’t see him, he told her, “No, Em. It’s like you said at dinner, which may I remind you, you enjoyed after I had to convince you to go and then broke the rule about presents after we decided against them.”

“Okay,” Emma barked a laughed, “first, excuse me for not wanting to participate in what is a very commercialized holiday and I should remind you that having raised three children means that I didn’t often get invited to Valentine’s Day dinners, of which it was a week before Valentine’s Day when we went to dinner. Second, asking you to move in wasn’t a present.”

Paul smiled as he heard the worry and fear drain from her voice. “I’ll give you the first,” he conceded, although it was only because of their schedules and wanting to spend time with all four of the kids that they had gone to dinner a week early, “but for the second, I’d argue it was and just wait until next year, sweetheart. I’ll surprise you, I promise.”

“You can try.” Emma teased him, “but remember who has more experiences with surprises.”

“I guess you’ll just have to wait and see,” Paul said all the more convinced that he would have to find something to surprise her with in the future. Maybe he could ask Lex, Hannah, and Tim about the best way to surprise Emma. Oh, and Alice and Ethan as well. If anyone knew how to surprise her, it would be them. “But really Em, somehow you swept into our lives and put us back together in a way I can still only fathom.” He sat on the trunk of his car, feeling it sink ever so slightly at his weight. “I can’t imagine life without you and I can’t think of anything better than waking up and seeing you as the first thing I see when I open my eyes. I want to move in with you, it’s just strange leaving a place you’ve lived in for what seems like forever.”

“Alright. Well, take your time. We’ll be right here, Paul. You know where to find us.”

“Okay, I’ll be back before dinner.” Paul promised thinking about what he had left to do. All he needed to do was pick up the bowl from the floor, make sure all of the lights were turned off, no use paying for electricity if they weren’t there, and lock the door.

“Drive safely.”

“I will.”

“Oh, and Paul,” Emma added just as she was about to hang up.

“Yeah?”

“I love you, forever and always.”

“I love you too, Em. Forever and always.”

\-----

Smiling at the memory, Paul picked Lily up, carrying her around the house and letting her say goodbye to each room.

“Goodbye kitchen where Daddy managed to burn soup multiple times. Oh, and a pot of water that one time…”

Lily had been surprising, or perhaps unsurprisingly, excited about moving into Emma’s house. Not long after Emma had asked him if he wanted to move in with them, he had opened the front door to find Emma and Lily sitting on the ground, paint swatches all over the floor along with scattered drawings and pictures. 

Brushing a kiss to Lily’s head before standing up and telling her she’d be right back, but to keep thinking about what she wanted, Emma had taken him aside and explained that when she had moved into the house after Jane and Tom died, Lex had approached her one day and asked if she could decorate her room. It was probably something on Jane’s to do list that she was waiting until Lex and Hannah had officially settled down as her daughters and just never got to do, but the room Lex had called her own was so much a reminder of the cold and unfeeling room that Emma had been forced to call her room as a child that she had immediately agreed. Working to redecorate hadn’t completely thawed the ice or broken the walls that Lex had put up at the time, but it had helped.

When Hannah turned 6, she had given her the opportunity to decorate her room as she wanted and Tim had likewise received the same offer. While Hannah knew exactly what she wanted, Tim hadn’t really had any opinions other than something to do with soccer and legos. So, since Lily was 6 and she was moving to a new house, Emma had wanted to make sure she had the same chance to decorate her room however she wanted.

Unsurprisingly, given her love of Disney movies, Lily had chosen a Disney theme and now had a room that looked like it was taken straight out of Cinderella’s castle. When he asked Emma how she had managed to pull that off, she had just shrugged and alluded to her mother’s love of interior designing.

Having visited all of the rooms – “Goodbye bathroom where Daddy wouldn’t let me splash water on the floor because he said that rubber ducks were much happier in the tub than outside of it!” – Paul circled back to the living room. Sighing, his eyes landed on the mantle where Kat’s picture had always hung. It was odd seeing the wall devoid of her picture, but he was more than happy with where it had now found a home.

Now, it hung on the wall in the living room right next to a picture of Jane and Tom as well as Pamela, Lex and Hannah. He would be lying if he tried to deny the fact that he had cried the first time he saw it after having moved the last of the boxes from the apartment to Emma’s house.

He had unlocked the front door with the key Emma had presented him with to peals of laughter as the children were still playing Candyland.

“Tim, you have to move forward when you draw a card, not backwards, silly!

“Really Lily? Oh, I completely forgot.”

Wanting to see how everyone was doing, he set down the box, and was just about to make his way to the dining room before a picture caught his eye. He was sure that that photo hadn’t been there when he and Lily had been over last night.

Looking around the room, he realized that Emma had been redecorating and was about to call out and mention that he liked how she had moved the pictures around when his eyes caught sight of the newest picture on the wall.

There hanging on, what he had heard Lex, Hannah, and Tim refer to as the wall of honor, was Kat’s picture. If he had had any doubts – and he hadn’t – they all disappeared in that moment. Seeing her smiling back at him, as if bestowing her blessing made him all the more certain that this would work.

“Is that alright?” He felt Emma’s arms snake around his waist as she hugged him from behind, her head rested on his back. “We can move it if you don’t like it there, but I just thought…”

He shook his head. “It’s perfect, Em.” Turning around so he could properly embrace her, he whispered into her hair, “Thank you, Em, thank you.”

Smiling and hugging Lily close ready to step forward, just as he turned to leave, he saw light spill through the window illuminating the whole room. Pressing a kiss to his daughter’s crown, he nodded to himself, feeling his eyes begin to sting as tears welled up as he looked at the mantle once more before heading out the door and closing it behind him for the last time.

* * *

Looking up from his book, _Seven Brief Lessons on Physics_ , Paul watched as Emma maked her way from the en-suite bathroom, dressed and ready for bed.

Climbing into bed, she tugged the clips from her hair allowing the hair which was normally pulled up and out her face to come tumbling down, cascading over her shoulders in curls. Breathing a sigh of relief and tossing her hair behind her shoulders, she reached into the drawer next to her bed, pulling out a pen which she stuck in her mouth and book which she opened to the dog-eared page.

Sneaking a glance at the title, Paul couldn’t help but ask, “Crosswords?”

Scratching down an answer, Emma turned to look over at him, amusement dancing in her eyes, “You’ve seen me do these every night, and now you choose to ask?”

Shrugging, Paul decided to tease her, “I wasn’t sure if it was a fluke or if you were just trying to impress me.”

“Trust me, I wouldn’t have to do crossword puzzles to impress you.” Emma patted his chest before laughing. “No, I used to read before bed, but once I started writing, my brain would race with ideas and stories and concepts and I couldn’t get any sleep. And you try raising three kids on 3 hours of sleep a night for 2 weeks.” She rolled her eyes, shuttering at the thought. “It was hell on earth.”

And it had been. If she had thought that raising three kids ages 1, 5, and 10 had been hard, at least she hadn’t been as sleep deprived when she had been doing that. After startling awake after dozing off in front of the computer trying to work out the next section for the story she was writing, which had happened after drinking three cups of coffee, she had been terrified that somehow she would fall asleep while picking up the kids. She would never put them in danger like that. Particularly not a driving accident. She wouldn’t do that to them, not again. Not while it was in her power to prevent them from ever seeing something like that again. She hated the idea of using sleeping pills, refusing to rely on them like her mother had, so she had searched for a way to allow her brain to let her sleep.

“Bill suggested finding something to trick my brain into pausing long enough to sleep. So I tried word searches, which didn’t work, sudoku, which was worse because, numbers, and brain teasers which just made me think even more.” She shook her head, “Then I stumbled into crosswords and thank God because at that point, I really needed to get more sleep. But, it let my brain slow down enough so that it was still thinking about words and ideas, but not about work so I could actually get some sleep.”

She knew it was an odd thing to do, but it worked and had worked for years. So, she wasn’t going to jinx herself and go back to those sleepless nights, even though now she had someone next to her, so maybe they wouldn’t be so bad. 

Looking over at Paul, she found him staring at her.

“What?” She laughed reaching up to make sure she hadn’t forgotten to take one of her hairclips out and that her hair was why Paul was staring at her.

“Nothing,” he grinned, “you’re beautiful.”

Shaking her head, Emma rolled her eyes, “You’re already in my bed, Paul. You don’t have to butter me up.”

“Really? So, if I did this,” He reached over making sure to mark the page with the pen Emma was using and put it on the bedside table before leaning over her and peppering kisses all over her face and neck, relishing how soft and warm and real she was, “that would be okay?”

Emma laughed once more as she reached up to take off his glasses, taking care not to poke his eyes, and laying them on top of her crosswords before settling into the pillows and reaching up to draw him down into a kiss. “That would be more than okay. I love you Paul, forever and always.”

“Forever and always, Em. I love you too.” 

* * *

April 10, 2019

“Paul? Could I talk to you later?”

Paul looked up from the laptop that he had brought home with him in order to finish a last-minute project that he had been assigned to when it appeared that the team that had been working on it wouldn’t finish it on time to see Lex standing at the end of the table. He hated bringing work home with him when he would much rather spend time with his family, but with the deadline on Friday, he had been left with no choice. 

In the other room he could hear Emma laughing with Lily and Tim as she read them snippets of the newest book she was working on. When he had peeked his head out earlier, Hannah had been lying on the ground doodling concept art for the cover of the book while Lex had been sitting in the loveseat typing out a message on the phone and sending Ethan – and Deb and Alice, if he had to guess – videos of what was going on. But now she was standing in front of him looking more nervous than he had ever seen her. 

“Of course.” Paul immediately agreed hoping to soothe some of her anxiety, goodness knows he knew enough about that, as he closed his computer not caring about the spreadsheets that need to be finished or the powerpoint that need to be reviewed before the run through tomorrow morning. “We can talk right now. Should I go get your mom? Should she be here?”

“No, she already knows.” Lex told him before her eyes widened at the panic beginning to brew on Paul’s face as all the color began to drain off of it. In retrospect that may not have been what she wanted to say.

She knew Paul got anxious about a lot of things, he could never stop fidgeting when he used to wait for her mother to come downstairs to take her to dinner before he and Lily moved in. Although she had thought he had gotten a lot more comfortable with everyone, especially given the way she and her siblings and Mom interacted. Then again, she supposed that when your girlfriend’s daughter comes and asks you if they could talk completely out of the blue and then proceeds to tell you that her mother already knows what she wants to talk about, panicking and being anxious would be a normal reaction. Not wanting him to become even more concerned, she quickly continued, “It’s nothing bad, I promise.”

At her reassurance, Lex could see the color begin to reappear and she internally breathed her own sigh of relief. At least she wouldn’t have to explain to her mom how she managed to completely scare Paul. She knew her mom would just laugh and give her a hug and brush a kiss across her forehead, but she didn’t want to scare Paul off. Not that she was sure that was possible having seen how he looked at her mom and how he interacted with each of them, which was why she had wanted to talk to him in the first place. 

“I just,” Lex sighed, glancing down as she wrung her hands before looking up and seeing the encouraging look on Paul’s face as he patiently waited for her to continue. “I know how you feel about musicals, but I was just wondering…”

She paused again. Maybe she should have asked her mother to be in the room with her while she talked to Paul. When she had brought the idea up to her, her mom had told her that it was a great idea and that she was sure he’d agree, but now that she was here, she wasn’t sure what she would do or how she would feel if he said no. She wasn’t sure why she so desperately wanted him there, but for some reason she did. Somehow in the few months that he had been a part of their lives, she had begun to enjoy having him there and he had become more than just her mom’s boyfriend and Lily’s dad. He had become someone she was learning she could go to for advice when she didn’t want to bother her mom, although her mom would say she was never bothering her. And he was someone who she could ask questions to about math and chemistry and physics and everything besides English, history, and music that no one in her family seemed entirely gifted in. They were far more of a liberal arts family as opposed to a STEM family, so she loved that she could sit down with a calculus problem and he could easily walk her through it in a way that she could understand as opposed to her mom and Ethan and her attempting to piece together how to derive an inverse trigonometry problem before finally turning to YouTube.

“Yes?” Paul gently prompted her to continue.

“I was just wondering if you’d be willing to come to one of the performances for _Into the Woods_.” Lex finally spit out, immediately dropping her gaze to the table not wanting to see Paul’s expression. 

“Oh, of course Lex,” Paul couldn’t help but chuckle. He had been so worried she wanted to talk to him about, well, he wasn’t sure what, but he hadn’t expected it to be about the high school’s spring musical. “Of course, I’ll come.”

“Really?” Lex’s head immediately snapped up as her eyes shone with joy.

Paul hadn’t known Lex as a young girl, but he had heard Emma’s stories about a little girl who stole her heart and was so wary of others and scared of asking for things. A little girl who could never believe that someone wanted to do something for her simply because they cared for her. One who had needed to grow up too fast to take care of her little sister when her biological mother refused to do so. One who had learned she could only rely on herself and herself alone until a young woman had come along and proven that she could trust her. From what he had seen, she had become far more open and trusting thanks to Emma and her love and care. And yet, when she looked at him, wonder on her face, he couldn’t believe that Pamela had treated her and Hannah the way she had. How could she have done that? To her daughters who all they had wanted was simply her love.

“Yes, Lex. I’d be more than happy to come. In fact, I already have it penciled in my calendar.” 

“You do?”

“Yeah, here come look.” Paul opened up his laptop and quickly navigated to his email, clicking on the calendar before turning it so that she could see everything he had planned for the month of April.

Making her way to stand next to Paul, Lex bent over slightly so she could look at the screen. As her eyes skimmed over the calendar, Lex sharply drew in a breath as she realized what she was seeing. “But those are all of them.”

She looked at Paul, her eyes searching his face to check that this wasn’t an elaborate joke before looking back down at the computer making sure she had read it correctly. 

“I know.” Paul smiled at her, as he watched her try to wrangle her emotions back under control. “Your mom told me how everyone always goes to all the performances and how that’s a tradition. So as soon as you had the dates and told your mom, I made sure to put them in my calendar and block off those dates just in case a meeting came up with one of CCRP’s global partners. But, it doesn’t seem like we should be having any next week or the week after, so I should be free to be there for all of them. As long as that’s okay with you.”

Biting her lip, Lex nodded before throwing her arms around Paul’s neck. “Thank you, Paul.” Feeling his arms reach around her to hug her back, she couldn’t help but smile.

Lex hadn’t expected him to be willing to attend every performance – a tradition that came from her mom’s desire to make sure that she, Hannah, and Tim always knew they were supported in whatever they wanted to do – but the fact that Paul had planned on doing so without her even asking him, just based on what her mom had told him, meant the world to her. She wasn’t surprised, per say, not after the way he purposely tried to bond with each of them and made sure to understand what they were interested in. He would take Hannah out for walks and sit on a bench reading while she drew and sketched to her heart’s content and he, even though he wasn’t very good, would practice kicking the ball around the back yard with Tim, never failing to cheer him on at his games or join him at any of his video games. And he always asked her about her writing and the videos she liked to direct with her friends.

But one of the things that made Paul, Paul, was that he didn’t like musicals. Sure, he sat through _Tangled_ , _Moana_ , _Beauty and the Beast_ and every other Disney movie with singing and songs, but those weren’t considered Broadway or West End musicals and _Into the Woods_ was Sondheim. She supposed it was a good thing they weren’t doing something like Webber’s _Cats_ or even worse, _Starlight Express_. Still, she knew he was willing to go beyond and above for those he cared for and loved, so maybe this shouldn’t have been so surprising.

\-----

It was true that he didn’t like musicals. It was a hatred that started from being forced to see _Brigadoon_ , which he later found out that Emma had been part of, and had only grown from there. There was just something uncomfortable about seeing people burst into song and dance when normally no one did that unless they were part of a flash mob or trying to gain notoriety on the internet.

However, if someone had told Paul that he would be willingly attending 6 showings of the same musical over the course of two weeks, he would have asked them if they needed to be taken to the hospital. But as he stood in Hatchetfield High’s auditorium next to Lily and Hannah in the same row as Bill, Alice and Deb, Tim and Emma, clapping as high school students took their bows during the final performance of _Into the Woods_ , he couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be.

Looking over at Emma, she caught his eye and smiled at him, before bursting into cheers as Lex ran on stage dressed as the Witch. Picking up Lily so she could see Lex take her bow, he returned his attention to the stage and joined in on the applause.

It was true that he didn’t like musicals, but it mattered to Lex and so, it mattered to him as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have absolutely no idea if you can cheat in Candyland or how you cheat in Candyland, but it seemed like the funniest game to have them argue over, so Candyland it was. (Normally, Monopoly was the game my siblings and I cheated at, but that game has so many house rules that I stayed as far away as possible from Monopoly and LHTL (Lex, Hannah, Tim, and Lily).) 
> 
> Apparently, my trying to get a chapter out earlier means that it ends up being published 2 hours later than normal… Life, I guess. 
> 
> Anyways this chapter and the next chapter were originally one chapter, but I split them up to make them more reasonable. Thank you so much for reading this. I hope you enjoyed this chapter; stay safe and healthy!


	10. Slipping Through my Fingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eventually, all little birds have to learn how to fly. No matter how hard it is for their parents.

“I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises.”   
― **Elizabeth Gilbert, _Eat, Pray, Love_ **

* * *

June 1, 2019

“I was a real terror at first, wasn’t I?”

Emma looked up from the album she had been looking through in an effort to prepare herself for the day ahead to see Lex standing in the doorway. Her daughter was already dressed for the day’s festivities in a forest green chiffon blouse and black dress pants as she had refused to wear a dress arguing that there was no point in wearing essentially two dresses at the same time. Her hair was curled with half of it pulled up so it framed her face nicely and Emma couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Waving her in into the room, she put her arm around Lex’s shoulder as her little girl settled next to her on the bed. 

“Always testing you and pushing your limits, trying to make you crack.” Lex added, looking down at her hands.

“No,” Emma softly corrected her, gently tucking one of her daughter’s locks of hair behind her ear before brushing her cheek with her thumb and tipping her face up so she could look her daughter in the eyes. “No, you weren’t. You were just a scared young girl who had just lost her second pair of parents and didn’t know who this strange new woman that you had never seen before in your life was and you didn’t know if you could trust her. You just wanted to protect your sister and brother and make sure everything was okay.”

She pressed a kiss to Lex’s forehead closing her eyes and when she opened them, sitting beside her was the young girl Lex had once been.

_“Look Emma! Look at what I got on my math test.” The little girl proudly held up a piece of paper which proclaimed in bright red ink that she had received a 95 for her work. “I guess you were right that I could do it.”_

Oh… Emma knew this memory. She remembered exactly what had happened that day.

_“Look at that! An A on your math test? Congratulations Lex. I knew you could do it!” She wrapped her arm around Lex to pull her in a side hug but was shocked when Lex threw her arms around her shoulders and buried her face in Emma’s neck._

_“Thank you, Momma.” Lex whispered before suddenly pulling away and freezing as she searched Emma’s face trying to understand if she had done something wrong. “Oh, I mean, Emma.”_

_Shaking her head, a tender smile on her face, Emma reached over to brush Lex’s bangs out of her eyes, “It’s okay, Lex. You can call me whatever you want. Emma, Momma, Lady that forces me to practice math, whatever you want, my heart.”_

_“Okay,” Lex nodded, moving her mouth as if she were testing out the words and making sure they felt right before saying them. “Thank you, Momma.”_

_Leaning down and pressing a kiss to Lex’s forehead, Emma whispered, “I love you, Lex, forever and always.”_

Blinking once more, the little girl with bright eyes and bangs who had slowly but surely opened her heart up to her was replaced by an older girl with eyes still as bright and lively as they had always been. She may have grown out her bangs, but her daughter still had that same zest for life that she had always had, and Emma hoped she would always hold on to it.

“Thank you, Momma, for everything.”

“Lex-”

“No, let me finish saying this, Momma.” Lex shook her head causing her hair to fly around her face. “Thank you for believing in me and for doing your best to give us everything. I know it hasn’t been easy, but I can’t imagine a better mother.”

“My little girl. My Lexie.” Emma smiled through the tears that were beginning to well up in her eyes. Blinking rapidly in an attempt to dispel them, she quickly wiped them away before continuing. “You’re all grown up now. My heart, I am so proud of you.”

“I’m not that grown up, Mom. I promise.”

Putting to the photo album to the side, Emma pulled Lex into a hug, whispering, “I love you”

“Forever and always.” They said in tandem causing them both to laugh and pull apart.

Hand pressed to her locket, Emma caught her breath before asking, “But are you sure college is what you want, Lex?”

“Are you telling me I shouldn’t go to college, Mom? What would Paul say if he knew?”

“I could take him in a fight,” Emma scoffed, putting her hands on her hips and trying to look serious.

“Only because he could never hurt you. So, you’d be fighting someone who was trying to get out of your way or trying to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself.” Lex laughed once more at the thought before her face turned serious. “I don’t think he could live with himself if he ever caused you to get hurt or if you ever got hurt. He’s a good guy, Mom, and I’m glad you found him.”

“I am too.” Emma fiddled with her locket for a few seconds before folding her hands in her lap and sighing, “Now you don’t have to worry about us. But, no, I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to college. I just want you be happy, Lex. And if college is what makes you happy then yes, I want you to go to NYU and get your degree in drama. But if it isn’t, there’s no rush to take some time to explore, travel the world, see everything you’ve ever heard me describe and so much more. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

“I’m sure Mom.” Lex nodded resolutely, grabbing her mother’s hands and squeezing them tight as if to reassure her that she would be okay. “If I ever want to get to California, I need start making connections. And I won’t be that far away. It’s not like I’m going to London or Paris, New York is just a plane flight away. And I’ll be here all summer so when you drop me off, you’ll be glad I’m gone for a few months.”

“You’ll always have a home here,” Emma was going to continue, but a knock at the door cut her off. Turning, she saw Paul sheepishly standing there gazing at the two of them.

“Sorry to interrupt, but everyone’s ready to go and we’re just waiting for the two of you. Lily’s hair is under control thanks to Lex’s help earlier this morning, Tim has his dress shoes on and even my tie is straight thanks to Hannah. Are you both ready? We don’t want to be late.”

“Yeah, I just have to go grab my bag from my room. We all know this is going to be boring, so I promised everyone I’d sneak in snacks.” Lex jumped off the bed, landing on her feet as she always had and made her way to the door.

“You look beautiful, Lex.” Paul told her.

“Thank you, Paul.” Lex smiled at him before throwing her arms around his neck and quickly hugging him. “Okay, bag, snacks and I’ll meet you both downstairs. Don’t get too distracted, I’m not closing this door.”

“We’ll be there in a moment.” Paul agreed, watching her disappear into her room and pointedly ignoring her comment trying not to blush but knowing he was failing miserably.

Making his way to sit next to Emma, he pulled her into a gentle hug before reaching into his pocket and silently handing her a tissue from the pack of tissues he had made sure was there this morning. Waiting until she had dabbed her eyes, his own eyes fell on the picture the photo album had been opened to which showed a young Emma and Lex dressed up what looked like an alpinist outfit. Both of them were beaming up at the camera after what must have been one of her first performances. “Are you alright Em?”

Smiling, tears still causing her eyes to shimmer in the light streaming through the window, Emma nodded before grabbed his hand squeezing it tight. “I will be.” 

“Okay,” Paul brushed a kiss across her forehead, “then let’s go see our girl graduate.”

* * *

July 27, 2019

Emma couldn’t help but smile as she glanced across the room at her kids who were happily piled on the couch. Lex and Ethan sitting in the middle with Hannah to Ethan’s right and Tim to Lex’s left and Lily seated in Lex’s lap. It was a sight that had quickly become the norm over the past few months and she would miss it once Lex left for college in a few weeks. She had been trying to prepare herself for Lex’s move for months, but every time she thought she was ready, she couldn’t but worry. Paul had told her it was just part of being a parent as she lay curled up next to him, her head on his chest as he gently played with her hair as they chatted before falling asleep. She knew he was right, but she wasn’t sure she was ready for Lex to spread her wings and fly. She wanted her daughter to succeed, and she knew she would, but she also knew what the world was like. Bill, surprisingly, was having an easier time than she was, but Alice and Deb had chosen to go to the University of Michigan which was so much closer than NYU.

Carefully sliding her hand out from where Paul had been holding it, she covertly brushed away the tears that were threatening to fall as she watched the ghost of Grandma Tala remind Moana of everything she was capable of. Even though she had seen the movie so many times since it had come out and knew exactly what was going to happen, it was a scene that never failed to make her tear up.

As she went to give her hand back to Paul, she stopped and listened carefully before turning to look up at him. He was completely engrossed by the movie as his thumb gently brushed across her thigh in time with the music. “You’re humming!” Emma exclaimed, making sure to keep her voice low enough that she didn’t draw the kids’ attention as amusement painted her face.

“What?”

“You were humming along with the songs, Paul.” Emma explained trying not to laugh at his bemusement.

“I, I was not!” Paul stuttered trying to think if he had in fact been humming. He didn’t think he had been, but he may have been. All he knew was that he had just been happy to sit with Emma curled up next to him, her head on his shoulder as they watched a movie together with their family. Just as it had that first night Emma had invited them to stay for dinner, everything simply felt right.

“Yes, you were!” Emma laughed as she corrected him, reaching her hand up to thread her fingers through his hair before gently pulling his head down to kiss him, her eyes fluttering close as his lips met hers.

Pulling back and resting her forehead against his, she opened up her eyes which sparkled in the dim light of the TV. “Have we finally cracked Paul Matthews? The great musical hater?”

“Oh hush.” Paul brought his hand up to cup her face, tenderly brushing his thumb across her cheek, “The music’s just catchy and you’d never believe the amount of times Lily has wanted to watch _Moana_.”

“Well, just wait until we introduce you to _Hamilton_ and _In the Heights_.” Emma couldn’t help smiling as she watched his eyes widen at the thought.

“Emma,” He pressed a kiss to her lips as if to try and convince her not to follow through with her threat. She knew he would listen to the musicals if any of them asked him to. All it would take was one of the children or her asking him and he would do it. While he hated musicals, he loved his family far more. And that was just one of the many things she loved about him.

“Em…”

Kissing him once more, she carefully straightened his glasses before pulling back and shaking her head, “Nope, I can’t hear anything. I’m watching the movie, sweetheart. _I am Moana_.”

“Are the two of you going to stop flirting and let us actually watch the movie?”

Paul and Emma looked away from each other to see Hannah, Tim, Ethan, Lex and Lily staring at them. Amusement danced across the faces of Hannah and Lex while Tim was shaking his head, Ethan had his head in his hands, and Lily had her head cocked to the side in confusion.

As Paul frantically blinked trying to think of something to say, he felt Emma’s small hand cover his own, squeezing it gently as if to let him know that she had things handled.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Lex.”

“Sure Mom. If you say.” Lex rolled her eyes, smirking at the pair of them. “Alright, we’re going to turn the movie back on and maybe the two of you can actually behave. It’s not like you’re sitting in the back of an empty movie theater. There are children present.” Lex laughed as she slowly looked away before nudging Ethan who now held the remote in his hand and started the movie back up again.

“Momma and Daddy are weird.”

“They are indeed, Lily-bug. They are indeed.” Lex agreed, brushing back one of Lily’s curls so it was no longer covering her eyes.

“That’s just what happens when you become a grown up.” Tim piped up, “So, Lex and Ethan will be like that soon!”

“Tim!” Lex exclaimed, glaring at her brother as Ethan just laughed.

“You’re not denying it, Lexie.” Hannah added, holding her hand out for Tim to high five, which he happily did.

“Is he wrong, babe?” Ethan asked, throwing his arm around her shoulders and kissing the top of her head.

Ignoring the urge to melt into his embrace, her siblings had been scarred enough for one evening and she could just hear Tim and Hannah teasing her in the back of her mind, Lex chose to say, “Just watch the movie,” She shook her head, “You wanted to watch this movie, Tim, so watch the movie. And babe…”

“You’re going to miss us.” Tim interrupted, causing Lex to stop mid-sentence.

Sighing, she nodded, reaching out to ruffle his hair and causing him to scowl at her. “Yeah, I’ll miss you. But, I won’t miss Mom and Dad acting like that.”

“It is kind of cute though.” Hannah mock whispered, leaning over and covering her mouth with her hand, pretending as if she wasn’t speaking just a tiny bit quieter than she normally did and causing Lily to giggle.

“Yeah, but if they could not do it while we’re in the same room that would be nice.” Lex agreed, mischief twinkling in her eyes.

“LHTL, we can hear you, you know.” Emma called from where she had repositioned herself so she was nestled next to Paul who was just blushing at the conversation taking place across the room.

“We know!” Hannah and Lex yelled as Tim tag teamed them throwing out, “That’s the whole point, Momma.”

* * *

August 28, 2019

“Momma! You’re home!”

Waving goodbye to Bill who had been willing to pick her up from the airport so Paul could be home with the children, Emma dropped the handle of her suitcase as her tote slipped from her shoulder. She didn’t care that it toppled over with a loud clatter of metal and plastic hitting hardwood, as she fell to her knees throwing open her arms and falling backwards but just catching her balance in time as Lily ran straight to her. She didn’t care about the noise at all if it meant that her children were in her arms once more.

“Hi Lily-bug.” Emma brushed a kiss to Lily’s forehead as she heard the barstools in the kitchen scrape against the floor and the patter of Hannah and Tim’s feet before feeling their arms wrap around her and pressing kisses to their crowns as well. “Oh, hello my heart.”

Pulling back and looking at all three of them, she reached over to tuck a wayward lock of hair that had escaped Hannah’s braids behind her ear before brushing her thumb over Tim’s cheek which he nuzzled into. 

“Were you all good for Dad?”

“Yes, Mom,” All three of the children chorused, grinning up at her.

Emma hadn’t wanted to go alone, but after many long talks trying to figure out how they could make it work with school starting and not wanting the kids to miss multiple days of school, Paul had convinced her that it would be easiest for her to move Lex into her dorm by herself and then the whole family could travel out in the summer to help her move out. It hadn’t been what she had wished for, but it was the most practical solution.

Plus, being in the city by herself allowed her to do some press for her newest book without worrying about them not making the most of their time in New York. The response to the first book about the singing apocalypse had completely stunned her as it had been surprisingly well received. John liked to say that he knew all along it was going to be a hit success, but Xander had told her when they grabbed coffee one morning that John had been just as shocked by the numbers. Emma had expected some people to enjoy it, but for it to have blown up the way it had, with readers making theories about why they thought certain things happened and others making fan art or retellings of the events twisting them in ways she hadn’t thought about before, none of her other books had ever had such a response. Of course, all her other books were written for children while this was written for young adults so, maybe that was why. But with the newest book set in an alternative timeline from the first book, this time addressing the dangers of capitalism and greed all through a toy that tried to control people during the holiday season set to be released in time for the holidays, John had wanted to take advantage of the time she was in the city and get as much of the press done in advance. So, while Lex was at orientation, Emma was being run through the gauntlet of standard interviews that would be shown at a later time closer to the release date.

It had been tiring, but she and Lex had facetimed everyone every night to hear what they had been up to and Paul made sure to keep her updated throughout the day and at night after Lex had returned to her dorm and they were just chatting before going to sleep. For what was his first time being alone for an extended period of time with Hannah, Lily and Tim, he had done amazingly, just as she knew he would.

“It smells good in here.”

“Just lasagna and salad. I figured I should make something I couldn’t mess up for when you got home.”

Emma looked up to see Paul leaning against the wall, smiling fondly at the sight.

“Paul.” She reached out her hand. Oh, she had missed him. She had missed everyone, but at some point in the past months she had become so used to waking up next to him every morning that to open her eyes and not see him sitting up in bed scrolling through the news on his phone before noticing she was awake and greeting her had felt so strange and wrong. It had felt like a part of her was missing.

Striding over to Emma, Paul took her hand and squeezed it tightly before bending down and quickly kissing her. “Hi sweetheart, welcome home.”

Finding strength in his presence, and comfort in the gentle hand on her shoulder, Emma took a deep breath before reaching for her tote which had fallen to the ground.

“Okay, I’ve got presents in here for everyone,” She explained as she unzipped it and pulled out a bear wearing a T-shirt saying _I love NYC_. Handing the bear to Lily, Lily smiled in delight and wrapped it in a warm hug, whispering in its ear how glad she was that it had come home with Momma and how much fun they were going to have together. Next, Emma removed a hardbound book on art from the MOMA and passed it to Hannah who gasped and quickly hugged her mother before opening it and flipping through it, marveling at the pieces of art she wished she could see in person in the future. Finally, Emma pulled out two guidebooks, one on Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty and the other on New York City. Seeing them, Tim immediately thanked his mom, pressing a kiss to her cheek and opened up the book on New York City to see what it had in store for him.

She and Paul exchanged glances and all they could do was shrug. Tim’s interest in geography and different places had come as a surprise. While he had always loved learning about different places and hearing his mother’s stories about her travels, it had always been a passing interest. However, once Lex had settled on NYU, Tim had wanted to learn everything and anything about the place where his sister was going to live for the next four years which had blossomed into an interest in every major city in the United States and globally.

They had absolutely no idea what Tim was going to do with any of that knowledge, but he loved telling them what he was learning and they were always more than happy to hear about what he had read. It was what he loved, so of course they wanted to hear everything about it.

“Alright,” Paul laughed after letting the kids have a few minutes to enjoy their gifts. “Let’s let your Momma take her suitcase upstairs so she can have dinner, and the three of you still have to finish your salad and dinner if you want dessert.”

“Yes, Daddy! Momma, you should come eat; I helped!” Lily said as she clambered to her feet and raced back to the kitchen.

Jumping to her feet to follow Lily and make sure she was able to get into her seat, Hannah hopped up. “You’ll like dessert, Momma. But we won’t tell you what it is, it’s a surprise.”

Emma knew what it was. She could smell the coffee and chocolate that lingered in the air that could only suggest tiramisu. But, if they wanted it to be a surprise, then a surprise it would be.

Getting up to follow his sisters, Tim hugged his mother once more, whispering, “I’m glad you’re home, Momma.”

Pressing a kiss to his forehead and breathing in the scent of his shampoo, a sweet watermelon scent that she had used for him when he was a toddler and that he still continued to use, Emma murmured, “I’m glad to be home too, Baby.” 

Watching as his children made their way back to the kitchen and hearing them begin to start eating once more, Paul looked down at Emma. He couldn’t help tracing her features taking note of how tired and worn she looked. Her eyes were red rimmed as she fought back the tears that had certainly been threatening to fall from the second she stepped onto the plane earlier that day. Offering her his hand and gently helping her up, he pulled her close to him, feeling her body begin to relax. Cradling her close, he held her for a few minutes. How he had missed her while she was gone. Even though Lily and Tim and Hannah had been home with him, it hadn’t felt complete without her.

“Here, I’ll take your suitcase upstairs and drop your bag in your office. Go freshen up.”

Nodding and shooting him a wane smile, Emma wearily climbed up the stairs, ignoring the pictures lining the wall as each step feeling as if she were being forced to run a marathon. Finally at the top of the stairs, her eyes subconsciously found Lex’s closed door and she had to grasp the railing, pressing her hand to her locket as she hunched over, shoulders shaking as the tears she had tried so hard to dispel made their way down her cheeks.

“Em,” She heard Paul worriedly call from behind her as he dropped the suitcase and started to quickly make his way towards her.

“I’m fine,” she breathed, as she brushed away the tears. “I’m fine, just give me a second.”

It felt like it had been years since she and Lex were sitting in her daughter’s room trying to sort through everything Lex wanted to bring with her to New York. Thankfully since she was living in a furnished dorm room, they hadn’t needed to figure out how to transport a bed across multiple states. Which was probably a good thing because while Jane’s old van was decent at toting 4 children along with Ethan around, there was no way it would make the multistate trip. Its acceleration wouldn’t be able to handle some of the drivers and how fast everyone liked to drive. Plus, since it was New York City where someone could feasibly get around without needing a vehicle, they could just fly instead. So, they had stuffed everything into 4 suitcases with the intent to purchase pillows, bedding, school supplies, toiletries, and whatever else Lex might need when they got to the city.

Sighing, Emma straightened her shoulders and made her way down the hallway, passing straight through their bedroom to the bathroom. A passing glance at their bed suggested that Paul must have had as much success sleeping alone as she had due to the way he had placed the pillows and had even left one of her crossword puzzle books on her side of the bed. Lex had laughed at her when she had confessed that she had asked for a few extra pillows so she could put them on “Paul’s side” and pretend that he was there with them in New York as well.

At the thought of her daughter, she could feel the tears begin to well up once more. She had only been back for a little bit and yet the house felt so empty without Lex. It was almost as if she was missing a piece of her heart.

Taking a peek at her reflection, she began to understand why Paul had sounded so worried when she stopped at the top of the staircase. She was just grateful that the kids hadn’t said anything because the last thing she wanted to do was have them worry. And with her face so pale and drawn, almost like she had been sick for a while, well, she was glad Hannah hadn’t asked how she was. Turning the facet on full blast, she splashed cold water on her face in attempt to bring back some color and reduce the redness rimming her eyes.

Drying her face on the fresh towel Paul had set out for her, almost as if he had expected this sort of reaction from her, she heard her phone chime. Immediately pulling it out, she breathed a sigh of relief to find that it was a response from Lex.

_Glad to hear you made it home safely, Momma. Don’t get in too much trouble with Dad. Remember, there are still three kids at home, the walls are NOT soundproof, and don’t forget to LOCK your door. PLEASE. I love you too, forever and always._

Setting the phone back down, she stared at herself in the mirror. “Okay Emma. All you did was drop Lex off at college. She’ll be home before you even know it. And Hannah and Tim and Lily are still at home, so you’ve got to pull yourself together.”

Nodding to herself, she made her way out of the bathroom to find Paul sitting on the bed typing something on his phone. Seeing her exit, he quickly put his phone away before opening his arms and allowing Emma to fall into them and bury her head into his shoulder.

Wrapping his arms around her, he gently rocked them back and forth. How he had missed her while she was gone. It had been so strange not having Lex or Emma at home the past few days and he could only imagine what it must be like for Emma to have to leave Lex behind. He had only known Lex for less than a year and he had cried after dropping them off at the airport and saying goodbye.

“It’s okay, Em. It’s okay.”

Emma stayed in his arms for a few minutes finding comfort in simply being near him once more, before drawing back and drying her eyes and blowing her nose in the tissue Paul handed her.

“It’s ridiculous how many times I’ve cried over the past few days.” She confided, shaking her head at herself. “Lex and I were walking through Central Park so we could take some photos for Hannah – which I do have – and we saw a dad playing with his kids and I almost burst into tears.” Glancing at Paul who she knew was desperately trying not to laugh, she told him, “It’s okay, you can laugh, I know it’s funny.”

“You’re just being a mom.” He picked up her hand, rubbing his thumb in circles to try and continue to comfort her.

“And I know she’s going to do well.”

“She will.”

“So, I’m not worried about that. But home has always been where my girls and Tim are and now where you and Lily are and everyone’s here, but Lex is 600 miles away.” She looked up at Paul, tears once again causing her vision to swim, “What if something happens and she needs us?”

Paul brushed away a wayward tear before pressing his forehead to hers, “Lex is your daughter through and through. If she needs us, she knows where to find us, but she’s going to be fine, Em. You taught her well.”

“I just want her to be happy.” Emma whispered.

“She will be. She is, I promise.”

Pulling back, Emma lifted a hand and gently cradled Paul’s cheek. What had she done to deserve him she couldn’t help but wonder as she looked into those bright blue eyes which also shone with unshed tears. “Okay.” Emma nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you too, forever and always.”

“Forever and always.” Emma echoed, smiling at the refrain Paul and Lily had so easily picked up. “So, lasagna? You didn’t burn the cheese this time?”

“And I simmered the sauce for two hours before putting it together.” Paul couldn’t help but grin at the surprise on Emma’s face. That was the step he normally forgot to include when making lasagna simply because he didn’t have enough time to let everything mesh together before throwing everything in the oven.

“You wonderful man.”

“You can’t get rid of me now.” Paul smirked, stealing one more kiss before standing up and helping Emma off the bed. 

“I wasn’t dreaming of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has this chapter and the last chapter used names of songs from Mamma Mia as their titles? Maybe… But, they just fit so well, so why not throw in another reference to Mamma Mia? 
> 
> So, Lex was supposed to go to UCLA which is what was written in my outline, but somehow when I started writing, I thought I had it planned for her to go to NYU and got too far down that rabbit hole to turn back. Thankfully, they have a decent program so it worked out, but Lex was originally supposed to go to California.
> 
> Also, have I mentioned how much I adore Lex and Emma's relationship? Because I truly love it. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading this. I hope you enjoyed this chapter; stay safe and healthy!


	11. When the World's at Stake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somethings change, somethings stay the same, and somethings happen, but happen differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: description of a car accident

“At last, the wheel comes full circle”   
― **Cassandra Clare, _Clockwork Princess_**

* * *

December 12, 2019

“Yes, Paul. I’ll be careful. I’m taking the van, probably. It has more space and I couldn’t ask Lily, Hannah, and Tim to sit in the back of the car. There’s not that much space with both Tim and Lily hitting growth spurts.” Emma said as she looked through her checklist making sure she had everything that they would need for tomorrow.

“No,” She shook her head, “it’s not supposed to be snowing tonight so it should be perfectly safe driving to Clivesdale to pick Lex up.”

“Yes, I just checked,” She laughed, “I knew you were going to ask so I checked right before you called and the forecast hasn’t changed since last night. Don’t worry, Paul. We’ll be fine.”

Emma could hear the reluctance and concern in his voice and she could imagine him sitting at a table in the lobby of his hotel waiting for Bill to come downstairs, worrying his tie as he thought about Emma and the kids driving by themselves to and from the airport. While Paul was no longer as nervous when it came to driving, she had noticed that it ramped up around the holidays. But there really wasn’t any reason to be worried. The roads had been cleared after it snowed the week before and it hadn’t snowed or rained since, so there was no fear of black ice. By all counts the drive to and from the Clivesdale airport should be smooth and without any bumps along the way.

Now, if only she could convince her very worried partner of that fact.

“I promise I won’t let anything happen to the kids.” Emma told him, frowning at the paper as she tried to remember if she had picked up enough metal tins from the dollar store. They still had some leftover from last year, so she was fairly certain they should be okay, and if they weren’t, with Lex coming home she could easily run to the store herself or ask Lex to make a quick trip.

“Yes, I already talked to her before she left for the airport. Yes, her friend drove her so she didn’t have to take the subway.” Emma answered Paul’s questions as she glanced at the clock making note that Lex should be getting to the airport soon as long as they didn’t hit too much traffic.

“Mmm hmm, I told her that and she says she loves you too and can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

Emma laughed at his response. Paul certainly understood their daughter’s sense of humor, even if it had taken him a little while to get used to it. “Well, there was a comment about how she’s hoping that we’ve managed to get our PDA under control because she sees more than enough of that in college and would like to come home and not be forced to witness more of it here.”

“Technically that’s just gist of what she-”

“Well, you know Lex; you can imagine what she said.”

“I will.” Emma agreed. “We have a few errands to run before heading to the airport, so we should be leaving soon. The kids are downstairs getting ready and then we’ll be on our way.”

“We’ll make it in time!” Emma rolled her eyes. “I know you call being on time getting there 15 minutes early, if not more, but, Paul, being on time means actually getting there when it says to get there. Besides, flights from New York tend to be delayed all the time.”

That was one thing Emma had learned very early on about Paul. He needed to arrive wherever they were going 15 minutes early or else he would spend every minute that they weren’t there worried that they wouldn’t get there on time or that they’d run into traffic which would make them late or that the event would start earlier than they were told. As someone who was always right on time or one or two minutes late, she had tried to get him to worry less, but eventually decided that it was best for him if they just got there early. Of course, when it was just her and the kids – Lily thankfully didn’t have the same concerns now that she lived with them – they followed her timing which is why they hadn’t left yet.

“Oh,” Emma shook her head, “If you thought it was chaotic last year, just wait until you get home tomorrow. I think Lex told Ethan he needs to be here by 8 – yeah, that’s what I said,” Emma laughed trying to think of what would make their daughter willingly get up before 8 while on vacation, “in order to help. Trying to decorate and bake all of these cookies in two weeks, my God.” Emma sighed putting down her list which was now correct.

“Remind me why I agreed to wait until Lex got home to start? Yeah, that’s true.” She conceded, agreeing with Paul, “It’s a good thing we’ve been stashing cookie dough in the freezer for weeks because I don’t know how we’d be ready in time.”

“Okay, I know you need to go. Don’t get into too much trouble with Bill, Ted, and Charlotte.” She chuckled at the indignation in Paul’s voice as he refuted what she was trying to imply. “I’ve heard stories about these trips from Bill. Yes, I know that it’s Ted’s fault most of the time. I love you too, sweetheart, forever and always; I’ll talk to you tonight.”

Emma hung up the phone and stared at the picture of all six of them standing outside of Hatchetfield High’s auditorium that sat on her bedside table. Picking the frame up, she traced the smiling faces that beamed up at her with her fingertips. Just another 30 hours until everyone would be home and together once more.

Gently placing it back on the table, she pushed herself off the bed, making a mental note to fix the bed when she got home and to change the sheets as well, so they had fresh sheets for when Paul got home. She supposed she could do that now, but glancing at the clock, they really needed to head out if they wanted to make good timing, so she’d just do it later.

“Alright, ready to go?” Emma asked as she made her way down the stairs to see her children sitting around the room in various states of being ready. Lily was the most dressed, just needing to put on her boots and scarf, whereas Tim needed his jacket, boots, hat, and scarf, and Hannah, well, her Hannah didn’t even look like she was planning on going out. Which, was strange as Emma had thought that out of the three of them, Hannah would be the most excited about Lex coming home.

Shooting her a worried look, Emma paused to help Lily slip her boots over her pants, making sure that they were tucked in, even though she knew that with how active the little girl was, they would surely come out within the next hour.

“There you are, Lily-bug,” Emma told her gently fixing her scarf and hat and pressing a kiss to her forehead “Why don’t you run to the kitchen and find a snack to bring with you? We have some oranges, crackers or there’s cereal if you’d like.”

“Okay Momma!” Lily said hopping off the bench and run straight to the kitchen.

Getting up and grabbing Tim’s hat, scarf, and jacket from the coat rack, she handed them to him and watched him glance at his sister, concern on his face, before reluctantly tugging them on. Sitting down and tying his boots, he looked as if he wanted to say something before deciding against it. Although, he did reach up to hug her before heading to the kitchen to help Lily choose what snacks they should bring with them this time.

With two of her three kids now ready to go, Emma kneeled in front of her daughter and tried to catch her eyes. Hannah was sitting there, arms crossed over her chest, staring resolutely at the floor and refusing to look at her mother.

“What’s wrong, Hannah-banana?”

Hannah shook her head, a frown crossing her face. “I don’t think we should go, Momma.”

“To run the errands for today or to pick up Lex?”

“Both. It’s not safe outside.”

“Oh Hannah.” Emma sighed, reaching up and brushing her bangs out of her eyes before gently stroking her cheek. “It’s okay. We’ll be safe. I’m a good driver, aren’t I?”

She nodded, pulling her legs up to her chest, “But others aren’t.”

Getting off the ground and sitting on the couch, Emma wrapped her arm around Hannah’s shoulders, pulling her close. She knew that driving around the holidays always seemed to spook Lex, but Hannah had never seemed to be worried by it. “That’s true,” she conceded as she brushed a kiss to her daughter’s crown. “I just need to stop by CameraMall and pick up the new lens for Lex’s camera and then run by Literati Bookstore and pick up that book your dad has been mentioning. I thought you’d want to come since you always love Literati.”

“Can’t we go tomorrow, Momma? Today doesn’t feel like a good day.”

“Oh, my heart.” Emma pressed another kiss to her forehead. “I wish we could, but remember, we’re decorating all day tomorrow because we told Lex we’d wait for her and since your dad comes home tomorrow evening and Uncle Bill’s dropping him off, I thought we’d surprise him with something nice for dinner. There’s just no time to run out to the stores tomorrow and you know how Lex is with presents. I’ll be careful, sweet girl. I promise I won’t let you or siblings get hurt.”

“And you too, Momma?”

Emma paused for a second knowing that if push came to shove, she’d happily throw herself in front of whatever was coming their way if it meant keeping her children safe. They were the priority and always had been. “I’ll try my best.”

“I still don’t like it.”

“I know you don’t.” Emma watched for a moment as her daughter played with hem of her t-shirt. “Well, if you really don’t want to go, you can stay here and welcome Lex home when we get back.”

“And Tim and Lily could stay too?”

Emma frowned slightly at the idea. She didn’t like asking Hannah to watch both Lily and Tim, even though she was more than capable. If that was the case, her immediate thought was to call Bill and see if he could come over and watch them, although he was with Paul out in California on a business trip so that wasn’t an option and Alice and Jean were in Clivesdale which would take them at least 30 minutes get to town and they didn’t have 30 minutes to wait. Of course, she could see if Ethan could come by and stay with them rather than hoisting that sort of responsibility on her daughter, and since Lex was coming home, she was sure he’d be more than happy to come over, but she wasn’t sure if he had anything he needed to finish before tomorrow. But, if it made Hannah worry less, she’d agree to it. “If you really wanted them to stay and it’ll make you feel better then, I suppose they could stay home with you.”

Emma watched as her daughter seemed like she was about to agree before her eyes flew wide open, horror beginning to dawn in them, and tears began to gather in the corner of her eyes. Rather than saying yes, like Emma had once expected her to, she all but shouted, “No!”

“Hannah? Sweet girl, what’s wrong?” Emma asked in low soothing tones as she carefully grabbing her daughter’s shoulders and tried not to startle her. “Hannah, look at me. What’s wrong, my heart?”

Shaking her head, Hannah threw her arms around her mother’s neck, burying herself in her mother’s embrace as if she were afraid to lose her, “Nothing Momma, don’t worry. We’ll all go.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to push you into doing something that’ll just make you worry. I know being in a vehicle can be kind of worrying.” Emma questioned as she gently stroked her hair like she always did when Hannah would come to her at night and snuggle next to her after waking up from one of her nightmares.

“No, it’s fine Momma, I’ll get my coat, hat, and scarf and then we can leave now. Let’s leave now, Momma.” Hannah said getting off the couch and making her way to where she had hung all of her winter clothing.

“Okay.” Emma agreed, “Okay, I’ll get Lily and Tim. Hopefully they found one or two snacks,” she turned her head projecting her voice towards the kitchen, “and are ready to go now.”

“Oh, Momma?” Hannah called making Emma turn around to face her.

“Yeah?”

“Can we all sit in the back of the van today?” She asked. At the confusion on her mother’s face, Hannah quickly searched for a reason before finally settling on, “You know, if we go see the Christmas lights while Lex is home and Ethan comes with us, Lily, Tim, and I will all have to sit in the back row anyways, so this can be practice for that.”

Nodding at her daughter’s logic, Emma agreed, “Alright sweet girl. If that’s what you really want.”

\-----

Christmas time in Hatchetfield was, strangely enough, Emma’s favorite time of the year. There was just something magical about the holiday. The way that the town seemed to come alive and everyone – besides those desperately trying to complete their Christmas shopping list – seemed friendlier. The lights that hung around the trees casting a golden glow all around, snow falling so gently and making everything seem pristine and perfect, and a sense of people coming home.

For a long time, she had hated Christmas time. It was a time where all her mother wanted to do was parade her daughters around and boast about their accomplishments while making snide remarks about everyone she invited to those awful Christmas parties. Christmas when she was younger meant scratchy, starchy and uncomfortable dresses that she was forced to wear while Ms. Smith, the nanny, tried to wrangle her unruly curls into an acceptable updo that her mother would approve of. It meant playing nice with her mother’s guests who, she could see through their façade, were just as fake and plastic as her mother. It meant desperately trying to gain her mother’s approval and affection, even though she had no idea why she wanted it, and being disappointed each and every time until she finally gave up and realized that she would never be on the receiving end of a single warm hug or kiss or being told that her mother was proud of her.

For a long time, Christmas time meant disappointment and a cold and unforgiving house.

Christmas time while she was backpacking meant the people she interacted with were happier and far more willing to share their traditions and stories, which she loved to sit down and hear about. It meant being jealous of how the families she saw came together and were so happy and joyful. It meant composing a letter and sending it to her sister wishing her a merry Christmas. It meant missing Jane more than she was willing to admit and it meant looking up flights back to Michigan just to see what they might be like before deciding against it and throwing herself back into her travels.

Christmas time meant longing and finding ways to distract herself.

And then Jane died, and she had to come home. Years and years of wishing she could escape Hatchetfield and years of exploring laid to the wayside after a drunk driver didn’t pay attention and ran headfirst into her sister’s vehicle.

But home she came and then Christmas time became so much more.

The first year was hard. Trying to prove that she could do it and take care of the kids and juggle more responsibility than she had ever been trusted with in the past. Trying to prove that she was here for good and wouldn’t leave like everyone else they had ever known had. Trying to find ways to build a relationship with two nieces she never met and a nephew hardly old enough to remember his mom and dad. Trying to not feel guilty for stepping into the life Jane had wanted for so long and wising with all her heart that she would never be like her mother.

And then it got easier as the years passed. Traditions were created like baking dozens and dozens of different types of Christmas cookies and decorating the house almost immediately after Thanksgiving had passed and it was socially acceptable to start decorating – not that she cared about what others thought at all. Of dragging everyone out to a Christmas tree farm to pick out the perfect tree, of sledding and making snowmen and snow angels. Of driving through town and looking at the Christmas lights. Of waking up to three children excitedly staring down at her ready for cinnamon rolls and quiche lorraine before opening up the presents they had laid under the tree the night before. All the little things they created together to form their own traditions and memories around Christmas.

Of laughter and smiling faces. Of the warmest hugs and whispered I love yous. Of pushing away painful memories and remembering happier times or finding those golden moments of happiness in the pain.

So, Christmas time just reminded her of new chances and opportunities to make right what might have once been wrong.

Last year had been Lily and Paul’s first Christmas with them and it had been a Christmas of find their footing and understanding what things could look like. Christmas time was always painful for Paul, just as it had been for Lex – Lily, much like Hannah and Tim had the benefit of her youth to soften and dull the memories surrounding her mother’s accident. She knew that Kat had been the memory keeper and one who planned all of their family’s traditions while she had been alive. She also knew that Paul, as hard as he tried, hadn’t been able to keep all of them alive, so she had high hopes that this year she might be able bring back just a little bit more of that excitement and joy of Christmas time.

“Thank you, Cathy” Emma flashed a smile at the young woman who handed her the bag, “Happy holidays.”

“Happy holidays, Ms. Perkins.”

Making her way back to the children’s area of the bookstore, a place she knew well after the plethora of readings she had done over the years, she couldn’t help fondly shaking her head at the sight she found. Lily was lounging upside down on the gigantic stuffed bear that sat on the corner of the stage under the fake eastern white pine which had been decorated for Christmas and dressed with ornaments, candy canes, tinsel and a bright yellow star shimmering in the spotlight. Hannah sat in the center of the stage reading aloud sections from **_The Story of Paintings: A History of Art for Children_** , stopping ever for minutes to show Lily each specific painting as Tim perched by his older sister’s side and looked over her shoulder.

“Ready to go?” She asked hating to disturb them and break up the adorable scene in front of her but knowing that they needed to get going if they wanted to make it to the airport in time.

“Momma, you’re done!” Lily climbed off the bear and Emma could see that yes, in fact, her pants had been pulled out of her boots, but as long as Lily stayed out of any snowbanks, the long socks she was wearing should help keep the chill out.

“I am, I got your dad’s present right here,” she lifted up the bag to show that she had picked up what they needed to purchase, “but are you three done?”

“We’re done, Momma. Hannah was telling us about _The Starry Night_ by,” Tim paused tilting his head, “who painted it again, Han?”

“Vincent van Gogh,” Hannah answered as she closed the book and carefully put it back on the shelf where she had found it. “We’re good to go now, Momma.”

“Alright.” Emma smiled down at her children as Tim and Lily held her hands as Hannah led them to the front of the store and to the minivan. “Did you have a good time?” She asked as she got in before turning around to watch Lily buckle herself into her car seat – which Hannah who had decided to sit in the middle checked, tugging ever so slightly on the straps to make sure that it was correctly fastened – and Tim strapped himself into his booster seat.

“We did, Momma.” Tim answered grinning up at her.

“Do you think Lex has seen _The Starry Night_ while she’s been at school? The book said it was located at the Museum of-”

“Modern Art,” Hannah helped causing Lily to shoot a smile at her sister in thanks.

“Right, the museum of modern art, which Hannah said is located in New York by Lex!”

“It’s actually really close to where Lex is,” Tim added, “NYU is further south than the MoMA, but the MoMA is by Central Park, so you probably saw it when you took pictures for Hannah when you took Lex to move in, Momma.”

“Do you think we could go sometime?” Hannah asked.

“Maybe,” Emma looked in the rearview mirror at her children as she stopped at the red light, trying not to smile. In short, the answer was yes. It was one of the places she and Paul planned on bringing the kids to when they took the trip out to New York that spring to help Lex move out of her dorm. They just hadn’t told any of them about it, besides Lex, of course, and were hoping to keep it a surprise for Hannah’s birthday.

“We’ll talk about it and then decide. Is that okay?”

Hannah nodded before turning her attention to something Tim was saying and Emma turned her attention back to the road.

While she would have been fine with a general list of places to go in New York, Paul wanted a much more detailed itinerary. If it helped reduce the general anxiety he was certainly going to experience being in New York City with millions of people and while trying to explore with 2 small children and 2 teens – or three depending on if Ethan wanted to come as well – she would happily help to put an itinerary together. Plus, there was something so nice about cuddling on the loveseat in her office pouring over a map so they could choose places semi-close together and plan what would be their first entire family vacation outside of Michigan.

Sometimes it felt so domestic that she couldn’t believe it was her life. And yet, somehow it was.

Emma stopped at the light and checked the time noting that they should make good time getting to the airport. They were almost past the town limits for Hatchetfield and were just about to hop on the road which would take them across the Nantucket Bridge which she could take all the way to the first Clivesdale exit and then hop on the highway to get to the airport. Hopefully with how easy and smooth the trip had been it would help soothe Hannah’s anxieties. Given the history they all had with cars and accidents, she wasn’t surprised that those worries would raise their ugly head from time to time and it was only worse around the holidays. She’d stop by Hannah’s room tonight to see if she wanted to talk a bit more about what had caused her to be so worried. She hated seeing her children upset. But, soon they would be at the airport ready to welcome Lex home and Paul would be home the next day and everything would be right once more.

She couldn’t wait for everyone to be home together as a family. How she had been looking forward to this moment since the second she stepped onto the plane at LaGardia after leaving Lex behind at her dorm. Smiling at the thought of everyone being reunited, she watched the light turn green and proceeded to start driving through the intersection.

Chuckling and shaking her head at something Lily said in response to Tim, she saw something out of the corner of her eye that immediately caused her to snap her head in that direction.

Her eyed widened at the sight of an 18-wheeler speeding towards her with obviously no intent to slow down, already starting through the intersection and on a direct path to collide with them. Emma’s immediate thought was to slam on the gas and hope that it would miss them entirely. However, she knew her minivan, which had been Jane’s vehicle at one point, and knew its acceleration. There was absolutely no way on earth they’d get through in time and with all three of the kids sitting in the back… She couldn’t risk it. She wouldn’t risk it. There was no way she could live with herself if something happened to them. And there was no way to even make a turn in time, not with the way the road was set up and the barriers and distance between each lane. No, she knew what the only viable option was and maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. Maybe the truck would just clip the front of the van and nothing would happen. Maybe it would miss them entirely and she was worried for no reason at all. Maybe… But, no matter what, she just hoped they would understand one day.

She hoped they would all understand one day.

Decision made, she looked in the mirror glad that none of the kids had noticed what was happening. That was a miracle, one last miracle. Oh, how she wished she would be there to see them all grown up. She knew they would be amazing.

Blinking she saw Hannah all grown up, an artist in her own right whose art allowed people to see the world through her eyes. The good and the bad, but always hopeful and always with knowledge that tomorrow would come.

And Lily, a chief with a blossoming career. Not something she had ever imagined her little girl would pursue, but all Lily wanted to do was help families come together over the dinner table as hers had. She created easy and simple but delicious recipes that anyone could cook – including someone who had a tendency to burn soup – in order to allow them to focus on what truly mattered. Where Hannah brought hope, Lily would bring people together.

And Tim, her baby. He traveled all over the world seeing all the places she had only ever dreamed of seeing while putting to use all of the knowledge he had gained from reading those tour books for years. Working to gather and share stories from every place he visited in an attempt to bring to light problems which were often overlooked and forgotten he would make people laugh and do something to be better.

They would be okay. She knew they would be okay.

“Hey,” Emma said, getting their attention as she struggled to keep her voice calm and steady. If she broke, the façade would break and she wouldn’t do that to them. She didn’t want that to be how they remembered her, “let’s play a game. Close your eyes and count to 100 for me. Here, I’ll start. 1.”

“2,”

She watched as they closed their eyes, their voices joining hers as she worked to keep the tears at bay. How she loved them so. She never thought, never dreamed that this would be her story and yet, it had been.

“Good.” She murmured as a tear trickled down her cheek and landed on her pants. “Keep counting to 100 and remember, keep your eyes closed for me.”

She could do this. She had to. She could never live with herself if anything happened to them and besides, she had promised to keep them safe. And, just like Paul and Lily liked to say, when she promised something, she tried to never break that promise. Not if she could help it.

“Don’t give your dad too hard of a time; he tries his best.”

Oh, Paul.

Paul.

What she would have done for more years, more months, more days or even mere seconds. He had once told her she swept into his life and saved him and Lily, helping them heal after Kat’s death and bringing everyone together as a family. But he had also come into her life and made her whole again, putting pieces back together that she never imagined someone could fix. How she had loved him. How she loved him, forever and always. She just never thought it might be this short. But he knew. She knew he knew how much she loved him. She just hoped he would be okay. And he would, one day.

Nodding, determined, she threw the vehicle into reverse.

_3_

“And don’t tease Lex too much.”

Lex, her little girl. How she hated what she was about to do. How she had tried to allow her to be the child her daughter should have always been allowed to be all those years she had spent with Pamela and now she was ripping that away from her. Putting Lex in position she never wanted her to be in, at least not until she was so much older and had accomplished everything she dreamed of. But she knew her daughter had a spine of steel and was far too wise. How she had enjoyed all the years she’d had with her children and how they had made her the person she was. Now knowing how her story ended, she wouldn’t change anything, not if meant having loved them.

Looking back once more, grateful that there was no vehicle behind them, she sighed and pushed as hard as she could on the gas.

_4_

Jane had once told her about moments that felt like they could last a million and one lifetimes. Those moments that you just wished would last forever and that you could stay in and remember for the rest of your life. How she wished she could stay in this moment for forever. To never leave her children. To always be there for them. But she knew that could never happen. It simply wasn’t how life worked.

And so, she blinked.

“And remember, I love you, forever-”

The impact of a 40 ton truck slamming into the front of the minivan was exactly as Emma had imagined it was like all those nights she had lain awake thinking about what had happened to Jane and Tom and Kat and yet nothing like it.

Her eyes closed due to the force with which they were struck and she could feel her breath being stolen from her as the world around her began to spin.

She could hear the shouts of surprise and someone screaming.

It took her a moment to realize that it was her screaming as a searing pain shot through her leg that she was unable to understand why or what had caused it.

_31, 32, 33_

As something trickled down the side of her face, she felt the cold settle around her like a blanket drawing her further and further into the dark, away from the pain and beckoning her to sleep. She couldn’t help but think of Jane and Kat. Was this how they had felt?

_55, 56, 57_

She could hear the kids, each of their voices and Emma wanted to open her eyes, just for one more glimpse, one more look, one last memory. To make sure that they were okay, just as she had promised but she couldn’t. Her eyelids felt like they were made of lead and she was so tired. So very tired.

_88, 89, 90_

“Oh God, are you okay? Call 911. There are kids in here and the lady looks like she’s in bad shape! Go, get help!”

_100_

“Hey, are you okay? Don’t cry, you’ll be fine. We’ll get you and your mom out of here. You’re okay.”

They would be okay. They would be okay. They would be okay.

They would live and she, now she could sleep.

_I’m sorry, Paul. I’ll love you, forever-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry. 
> 
> This was included in my outline from the moment I started outlining this fic. However, it leads to some of my personal favorite lines and scenes so I do hope you like this arc we’re about to start. I did add the chapter count because I’m not that evil of a person, even though some might argue that after what just happened in this chapter. I’ll see you all on Monday, or well, early Tuesday morning. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this and for coming on this ride with me. Stay safe and healthy!


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